I totally resonate with Sangsoo's entry. The tension between career and family. When I was younger, I naively believed that I should never do anything solely for money. And I still strongly believe that. The difference is, I'm not naive about it anymore; the consequences are more real, and they involve other people, people I care deeply about. And that makes it exponentially more difficult to not make money a big consideration in decision making.

The problem with life is, it costs money. And when you're the primary bread-winner for the family, you feel all this implicit pressure to make more. Don't get me wrong, in the grand scheme of things, by any objective standard, I'm doing well. And to be clear, Jieun has never ever pressured me to make more money, or made demands that would require us to need more. But she doesn't have to. It's all implicit (well, mostly. With the extended family... let's just say there's also a tension between being Korean and being Christian that isn't always well resolved), both socially and maybe even self-imposed. And it all stems from wanting to provide more for the family, to give Jieun and Abby stuff they need and want. Maybe some help at home. Or educational / recreational opportunities for Abby. Stuff that would be good for the family. Stuff that invariably costs money. Money we don't really have.

The tension exists in that, to make more at work, to progress further, I would have to take time away from the family. At every company I've been at, the superstar engineers work like crazy. And that's a sacrifice I'm simply not willing to make. But that naturally caps my earning potential. And it still isn't enough to avoid the tension. Even with the hours I work now, which I feel is just keeping up, though she never says it, I think Jieun would rather me be at home more. To be home more and maximally provide for the family - it's an impossible situation. That Jieun doesn't complain about either - things she wants or me being at home more - helps, but it's still fundamentally an impossible situation.

The ideal is to have a job that pays really well and is not a lot of hours. And that's great if you can get it. But that's not what God has for me. In my weaker moments, I think I should have gone to med school, law school, or business school, now that I know the salaries involved. I have to remind myself: 1) I hate law 2) I hate business 3) I did the pre-med thing, and was much happier doing computer science. I am where I am for a reason, and I need to be content with that and trust it.

But I still can't help but be sad sometimes that I don't provide more for Jieun and Abby. Better housing. Furnishings. Food. Education. Play. Just a better life in general, things that, even if they don't ask for them, they would invariably enjoy and thrive with. How to get that without hurting the family in the process, I don't know if that's possible.

I do think the struggle is good though. I've been convicted in recent months how the process is much more important than the goal. How we get there is what forms our character, not where we end up, so when we get things too easily, we lose out on the character forming process. So in a meta sense, I'm glad for the struggle. And in the end, I have to just trust in God. Draw a line regarding how much I'm willing to work, do my best under it, and trust God with the rest. And that's relatively easy for me to do on my own. But forcing my family to have to trust in God, leaving them no options otherwise... it's likely good for them but difficult nonetheless. Every father wants to give his family what they want. But when some of those things are at odds - namely, time with family and providing well for family - I haven't figured out how that works.