Danny and I took a DISC profile test, and it's funny how strong of a "C" Danny is. He's the poster boy for Conscientiousness. "C" people are task oriented as opposed to people oriented, and have low energy as opposed to high energy. They are analytical, and process things internally. That's my husband! Through the years I have learned to be careful with my words. I can't just say things the exact moment I feel them on certain issues or else Danny will be highly affected by the sting of the words. And, I've learned to organize my thoughts into clear arguments with supporting evidence whenever we have an issue to hash out.
One of my co-workers looked at my wedding pictures and pointed to the one with me, Danny, Henry, and Lorraine. He said (pointing to Lorraine), "Is that your sister?" Now, it's a great compliment that someone would think that I remotely look like Lorraine, who has beautiful skin and a great smile. However, I do remember telling this person that I only had brothers. I politely said, "No, that's not my sister. I only have brothers."
Another time, the same co-worker saw a picture of me, Sabrina, and Jane on my computer that I used as a background. He proceeded to say, "Are they your sisters?" I said, "No, I only have brothers." He went on to say that we look alike. "Are you related?" I said, "No, they're just friends from college."
Now, I understand that it is difficult to distinguish people of a certain race or ethnicity when you're not used to seeing that group of people a lot. But my whole thing is, we should all realize that we're ignorant (those of us that are ignorant), and strive to not ask stupid questions. When you see a picture with a bunch of Asians, or a bunch of white people, or a bunch of black people, or a bunch of Native Americans, don't just ASSUME that everyone is related. I guess it's hard to realize your ignorance because the very nature of ignorance is that you just don't know.
This same co-worker was looking through wedding pictures of one of my other white co-worker. There were plenty of pictures with a group of white people standing together, with blond hair and blue eyes. I waited for him to say "Is that your sister?" "Are you related?" But alas, somehow he knew how to distinguish each face, and know that these people might be friends as well as family. There was no need to ask the question "Is that your sister?"
Thanks to Janice Ahn for thinking of me! I found out about a book today, called The Name Jar that exemplifies my Korean American struggle with my name: Jieun. It's about this little Korean girl named Unhei. The same character for "Un" in "Unhei" is used for my name in "Jieun." It means grace. Hence, my middle name is Grace. Anyways, the little girls Unhei decides to pick a name that everyone can pronounce. So she has kids pick names for her and drop it in a jar. However, when one classmate finds out how special Unhei's name is, she convinces her to keep her name. WOW!!!! I feel so affirmed in my identity through this picture book. I would love to purchase this for my classroom. I need more books like this. The reason why I kept my name as is was for basically the same reason. I was never ashamed of my name because I knew what it meant. And no matter how much people butchered it, I was strong inside. Even when other Korean Americans suggested that I take on a more white American name, something more pronounceable, I stood my ground. Of course, there were times when I faltered and tried to be who I was not (ask me about these incidents later), but in the end, I'm proud of my Korean name. And it's not THAT hard to pronounce. You just have to take the time to learn. Thank you Yangsook Choi.
Today I was on lunch duty, when a distressed kid came up to me and said, "Mrs. Chai, someone smeared my shirt with an olive." And sure enough, he had a big purple smear mark on his white polo, which is part of the uniform at my school. So naturally I tried to seem very concerned, and asked him many questions. "Did he do it on purpose?" Yes. "Did he apologize for what he did?" Yes. Hm. Usually kids come up to me when they can't solve a problem. In many cases, they're in tears. But this one, I couldn't seem to figure out what was truly wrong. "Are you worried that the stain won't come off?" No, not really. OK. So we went over to the kid who caused this crisis, and I asked him a string of questions as well. "Did you do this on purpose?" Yes. "Did you apologize?" Yes. So I was clueless as to what to do next. I figured the kid just needed to tell me that his shirt was stained. In conclusion I said, "Well, next time, don't stain his shirt because he seems to not like it." And he said, "OK." Shortly thereafter, the stained shirt kid threw his arm around his culprit friend and walked off in friendly happiness. They were friends again.
A bride is "given away" on her wedding day. Most of society and most cultures view the bride as entering into the groom's family, and not so much the other way around. Hence, the bride changes her name. In Korea, when a girl gets married, the literal term is "goes to the in-law home." Instead of asking "Did she already get married?" they ask "Did she already go to the in-law home?" Therefore, I think that the wedding day is more a "bride's day" because she's being given away. She needs to look good. In order for that to happen, she needs to be pampered. There is way more preparation on the bride's side than the groom's side for a wedding. A lot of it is emotional preparation. As well as aesthetic preparation. This kind of preparation needs to begin from childhood. That's why girls dream about their wedding day. They're getting ready to be "given away." It's actually quite a deep phenomenon.
In response to Danny's short thoughts entry... The tip of the tongue syndrome is the story of my life. Maybe I'm rubbing off on Danny. I for the life of me can not remember names, of people, songs, items, etc. You name it, and I can't. The other day I was trying to remember the brand name of shoes that seems to be popular among some people. I said... "Lumberyard?" The person I was with kindly suggested, "Timberland?" I said, "Oh yeah." Those darn trees. I get confused a lot by that.