What's on my mind: (3/14/96)

For those who care and those who don't

This is what I wrote yesterday.

Alright, I gots to write again, so here we go.

What I said about the Web page thing being a pride thing; that was totally about myself. I mean, I was disturbed about why I was writing this. And why the heck I was making it public. And I concluded that it was all pride; anything else I said was B.S. And I still think so. It's totally pride. So why am I still doing it? Who knows. But I want to be as honest as possible. But in any case, I was referring totally to myself. I'll repeat what I said before:

I'm really disturbed by that. Why the heck am I doing this? In any case, I refuse to give the impression like my thoughts are somehow cool or challenging or thought-provoking or profound. As Eli would say, "They're absurd." All right? Absurd.

And in any case, I still believe what I said. It's a pride thing, at least partly, and I care at least a little what other people say. Honestly. If it was totally for myself, I wouldn't be writing this, which basically is a response to someone else's thoughts, simply because I wouldn't care. But I'll be honest, I do care, and I am writing this. It might have been between me and God before, like in Fall quarter when I, as the pioneer, consistently did this even though I knew that no one knew about it, but as soon as I start responding to people, it's not just me and God anymore. At least for me.

I'm afraid of two things: the things I said yesterday were misunderstood, and two, that I didn't really mean everything I wrote yesterday. The thing is this: I read something that really provoked thought within me, and I wanted to respond. I wasn't sure whether I should post it but Dave Hong said you have to so I did. Maybe I shouldn't have. But oh well.

When I talk about openness, I'm wasn't just responding to one thing, though that was part of it. I was talking about something I see in society in general. Seriously. And like I said, I started thinking about it more when my dorm did Crossing the Line. That's when it all started. And I thought back then that it was wrong, because that event, the one held in Serra dorm, was basically asking people to reveal personal things about themselves to people they don't know well. Just wanton openness, as if openness for its own sake was a good thing. And I disagreed with that. Just for clarification, this is what I was referring to when I talked about openness to everyone. OK?

Am I wrong about what I said about openness in general? That it has lead to some weird things? Like what I said about what happened in the liberal branch of Presbyterians. (What's it called? Presbyterian USA? I forget). A general desire for openness, honesty in what actually happens almost led to a condoning of it. That freaks me out.

Again, I agree that a certain degree of openness is good. But I still think a problem today is over openness, not under openness. If there are some things that aren't discussed openly (are there any still in this day and age?) I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

Alright, let's get specific. Temptations of the flesh. Should we discuss it? You know, I can't say. To God, yeah, but to others? Who am I to say? It's probably in the hands of the individual's judgment. But I will make this bold claim - such topics should NEVER be discussed between a male and female. Ever. And you might disagree with me, but this is one thing I'm holding on to. Temptations of the flesh should never be discussed between male and female, no matter how sincere the desire for mutual encouragement. It just shouldn't be done.

Galatians 6:1-2 talks about helping a person caught in sin, and how we should gently restore them. It doesn't say, however, that we should necessarily reveal all our sins, but instead that if we are aware of others' sins, we should help them gently.

The verse also has a warning, which shouldn't be taken lightly - "watch yourself or you also may be tempted." This is a pretty serious thing. And I take it really seriously because I feel like I understand it too well. Like in the past, some of my friends have shared their deepest struggles with me. Which, you know, isn't bad. But I have found that with certain things, it causes me to stumble, by virtue of making me think about it a lot, and being tempted by the same thoughts. IT HAPPENED TO ME. I guess I can only speak for myself, but this openness with certain issues was a curse, as it really did cause me to be tempted and stumble.

And the depressing thing is that in the end, the problem wasn't solved. It didn't end, and my friend continued to struggle, even getting worse, and I had to struggle with temptation myself. The net result was that a forbidden subject wasn't forbidden anymore - our openness dulled the wrongness of it, and that was a curse. We didn't edify each other at all, in the end, at least, even though I think our intentions were all right. This really depressed me for a long time, and it's made a lasting impact on me, and maybe that helps you understand why I feel the way I feel. It might be biased, as it's just a personal experience, but honestly, I totally understand why Galatians 6:2 carries that warning, because it's true.

Again, sharing is good, but sharing the wrong things with wrong people, I still think is bad. Like guys and girls; there's a lot they shouldn't share. And other things too. I don't doubt that the intentions are good, but honestly, I don't think that's good enough. The intentions must be right, but I think there has to more - like knowing that the intended result will occur.

What happened to me - we wanted to encourage one another, but our openness in the end didn't have that effect. And I think that happens a lot. A lot of times when we share our personal struggles, wanting encouragement, in the end we don't really try to really overcome it, but instead hang on to it. Like a person who's suffered from child-abuse. A few might feel the need to announce their circumstances to everyone, so it's almost like their identity. OK, you're right, this doesn't really happen to much except with some public figures but let's look at them. Have they really been healed by their openness? Or does it cause them to keep clinging on to it?

Is healing really our intention? I mean, is that for real? If our openness causes us to falsely conclude that everyone struggles with these things, are we really asking for healing? I don't know, this might be totally wrong, but if we say everyone struggles with it, it almost sounds to me like we're saying, no one has overcome it. And if no one, not a single one has overcome, how can we ask that we overcome it? How can we truly ask for recovery if deep down we do not believe that anyone is truly, deeply recovered?

Knowing that others have gone through the same thing is encouraging. But only if it is a testimony of God's power - they went through it and by the grace of Jesus were able to overcome. I mean, we talk about yeah, Jesus understands because He's gone through it Himself. But that's not where the real encouragement comes from. The encouragement comes from knowing that He went through it, and He overcame it. And that through Him, we can overcome as well. Knowing that others struggle in itself isn't encouraging. But sharing how God is working in each others' lives is. Or so I think.

Again, I might be totally wrong, but it seems like there is a risk in openness of not having a sincere attitude of wanting healing, repentance, recovery. It is possible, grant me this, that it can lead to people concluding that everyone struggles with it. And if everyone struggles with it, how can we overcome? Does this make any sense? Maybe not. But I think it's at least possible.

So then what is also possible is that it's not recovery that happens, but it just becomes a more open subject. Maybe just among close friends, but whatever, it just becomes a more open subject. And again, I think it's possible that though it's not intended, it does lead to tolerance. Not for the sin, but for the struggle. Struggling will happen, but man, I have to have faith that God is making us more perfect. If I didn't have that, I wouldn't be able to deal with the struggles at all.

You gotta understand where I'm coming from. I can talk theoretically and theologically all I want. But theoretical, shmeoretical - this hits me very personally, because it's something that has happened and is happening - to me and to people around me, so I see. I mean, given it's a biased view, but it's still a view - something I've actually seen happen, so even if you reject everything I say (like most sane human beings, cf Eddie Ahn), let this at least serve as a warning. Thanks.

Someone was talking about Romans, how the Spirit will lead us in prayer even if we don't totally understand the struggles others are going through. I think that's totally true. So then do we need to totally understand the struggles that everyone is going through? Obviously not. I remember being struck by this - like sometimes I have prayed with like my leaders and stuff, and when we start to share, there was this one youth pastor I had who would sometimes stop someone and say "We don't need to know too much." And I think he was right. God will honor our prayer without us knowing everything.

James does say confess our sins to each other and pray for each other. But my bold claim is that this doesn't necessarily mean confess all our sins to each other.

Again, you gotta understand where I'm coming from. I went to this Catholic school, which happens to be the finest high school in the nation, considerably superior to both Andover and Lawrenceville, and by the way Pablo Morales went there, and wore a Bellarmine Swimming T-Shirt in front of an international audience right before swimming his gold-medal winning race. But I digress.

I went to a Catholic school, and I tell, you, the Catholics took this confessing sins thing seriously. I mean, it's a requisite that Catholics go to confession and confess all their sins to the priest, who intercedes on their behalf. This intercession thing is a big deal to Catholics. They have this whole system of priests and patron saints and all this to take care of it. Even Mary's involved, but hey that's a whole nuther can of beans.

They followed the command to the letter. And is it a good thing? I think the intention was good. But it got messed up. Somehow along the way they got confused and people thought they had to confess to a priest, a man, and could not confess to God themselves. They got caught up in this idea that they had to confess all their sins, no exceptions, and that only the priest could pray for their sins. Now, I might be wrong, but I think the technical Catholic doctrine doesn't mean this: I think they would agree that we must confess sin to God ourselves and that God alone forgives, but the confessing to the priest became a big deal. So much so that forgiveness came through the priest after confession, though of course, God alone forgives.

I think it was pretty good that this system was rejected by Protestants. My personal opinion, of course. Because like a lot of things, the intent was right on, but it just didn't work out the way it was meant to, and had bad side effects.

Like this one. Having gone to a Catholic school, I have a lot of Catholic friends. I'm not gonna get into the are Catholics Christian thing (I'll just say this: there are Catholic Christians) but there were certain things about Catholicism that disturbed me. One thing was confession. It didn't lead to healing, or repentance, but in the end numbed some people to sin. I have seen that once they break through the difficulty of saying it, it doesn't become as hard anymore. To the point that the sin becomes no big deal, and they figure as long as they confess it, it's cool. I don't think they ever condone the sin, but they don't really ask God to overcome it either.

You understand what I'm saying? How openness even with good intentions can be bad? I'm wary about interpreting that James passage as saying confess all your sins to each other, even if it's only before one man, because it risks getting lost in the letter of the law, and even though the spirit is in the right place, bad things can happen.

I'm still saying there are certain things that should almost never be discussed, and confessed only to God. About the James passage: like all the New Testament passages, the stress is on the encouragement, not on the sharing. Tell me if I'm wrong about this, but the N.T. goes on and on most about encouragement, unity, building each other up, and much less about sharing struggles. It's always saying help those who are struggling - the burden is on the helping. About sharing struggles, I could be wrong, but it's never mentioned on its own without the context of encouragement by the body. The stress isn't on the sharing struggles or sharing at all, but on the encouragement by the body.

Ultimately, we should cast our burdens unto Jesus alone, who cares for us. That's what we all believe, right? And it's my bold, and personal (just me) claim that there are some burdens we should share with Jesus alone. Just my opinion.

How does being open with our sin to each other free us from guilt? James talks about healing in chapter 5. OK, I might be wrong, but he was writing about some odd stuff. Like he talks about physical healing right before. I guess back then, physical sickness was sometimes considered a result of sin (like that guy who's lame so they ask Jesus who's fault it was, his parents' sin or his own). So James says if you're sick, call the elders, and they'll pray and he'll be healed; if he's sinned, he'll be forgiven. So then when he says therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed," what does healed mean? Don't crucify me if I say that it might talk about physical healing, since that's what he just talked about, right?

But more generally, I think most people would agree that this healing means healing from the debilitating effects of sin. Which I guess you could say guilt is part of. But the healing doesn't come from the sharing, but from the forgiveness of the sin, the overcoming of it. But are we really asking for forgiveness all the time when we share our deepest personal struggles? How can we say that and also say that everyone struggles with it? How can we believe that God will help us overcome if no one else can? Are we really asking to overcome, to be healed, or are we simply asking for prayer and fellowship in our struggles without true faith in God's power to overcome it?

Guilt is bad, and I guess it separates us from God. But we overcome that guilt by the healing of the effects of sin; and this does not come from sharing our struggles in itself, but by the forgiveness of God that comes through Jesus Christ alone. Not sharing in itself. That's fallacious, and implies that the only was to escape our guilt is by sharing with others.

That we must confess to others to be freed from our guilt gets back to the Catholic thing that bothers me. Then forgiveness comes (although only by God) through the priest to whom we confess. After all, forgiveness is the only way by which we are freed from out guilt, right?

That guilt may drag us down from spiritual things above is true, but that the only way to escape it is by sharing with others isn't, I think.

Most importantly, let me say this. Ignore everything I just wrote. I say that because, who the heck do I think I am? The Bible Answer Man or something? I have neither the wisdom nor the training to speak about things like this with authority. I wrote what I think because of what's happened to me, what I see going on around me, and what makes sense to me. But that's only good enough for a warning. So if anyone really cares and has made it this far, I feel like I've betrayed you in presenting my thoughts which you might take as right or wrong as if I actually know something. Hogwash. In any case, ignore it all and talk to your leaders, who know better than I do. What they say is far more important than what I say, I think. And I cannot encourage anyone to do or not do something without a solid Biblical foundation on something that isn't really clear to me. So I feel bad, and like I shouldn't say let's do this or that, you know what I'm saying? Ask your pastor about it, if you really care. But you probably don't.

I'm never doing anything like this again. Tomorrow it's back to the good old my minds of fall quarter.