Jieun and I took my grandma to her annual Rockets game. At the new Toyota Center, which is very nice. Anyway, what follows is a completely true exchange that occurred while we were walking inside.

Random teenager, to Jieun: "Hey, y'all know Yao Ming?"
Jieun: "Yeah, we're his cousins."
Random teenager, to his friends, excitedly: "Dude, those are Yao Ming's cousins!!!"

I was talking to my dad, a Southern Baptist minister, about the whole Lifeway VBS thing, and in the course of the conversation, he says, "Well, Southern Baptists are basically racists." It would take too long to explain that comment but I just thought it was funny.

As a side note, the guy who wrote The Purpose Driven Life, which I should probably read although everyone else and their dog seems to have read it already (it's #1 on one of the NYTimes lists, I think "Self-Help", and was on the cover of the business section of the Houston Chron, of all things), is also a Southern Baptist minister. Random.

Oh, and I didn't cry during Cold Mountain! Progress!

I have no idea why I'm writing, but whatever. LotG.

I was sitting around church on Sunday and I heard these kids talking about reading each others' xangas. That's just odd to me. These people were born in the 90s. What on earth do they have to say to each other? Are they even capable of introspective thought yet? I guess most people don't care about introspection. Which is why my page is so boring. But whatever, it's my page.

It's really weird seeing older people after not having seen them for a really long time. They seem so... short. Both physically and in other ways. Just, before, they were like authority, bigger and older. Now it's like being peers, and that's kind of unsettling to me. I don't like it when things bigger than me are brought down to my level. Makes me lose my sense of wonder. That makes no sense to no one but me.

Maybe it's because I'm Christian? That I believe in a power higher than myself? I think some people like taking things higher than them and bringing them down, makes them feel stronger. Me, when things above me are brought down, I feel vulnerable. Maybe what it is is I have no confidence in my own power. So when things above me are brought down, makes me think I'm next? I dunno.

What does this have to do with people in authority becoming peers? Nothing really. They're not being brought down, it's kind of illogical. But I dunno, it's just a gut reaction. So yeah, when people who were above me (and as a kid, that's everyone older than me) become peers, in a tiny, strange way, it makes me a little bit sad. Not a huge deal, just something I noticed.

I find that I struggle more with materialism when I'm in Houston. What it is is everyone has a house, many people have big houses, and everyone wants a bigger house. And that rubs off on you. You start thinking, hey I should have a big house also. And that disturbs me. It's a lot easier in the Bay Area, where few people can even afford a place. Just having a condo/townhouse is a big freaking deal there. People don't even dream of estates in gated communities, like everyone seems to have here in Houston. And once you become accustomed to living without, that kind of permeates your mindset.

I think superficiality is more of a problem in the Bay Area than Houston though. I mean like caring about how you look. I'm basing this on essentially zero data. Like, I went to work out here and it was almost empty. In the Bay Area, the gyms are all jam packed. A lot more people there care about how they look. Also, here, everyone's fat and they don't seem to care about it much. Bay Area in general is pretty health conscious, and I don't think it's primarily for noble reasons. They just all want to look good. I dunno.

Anyway, everywhere is materialistic and everywhere is superficial. It's just, I think different regions are more and less so than others, and that's interesting to me. But like all things, I'm probably wrong about this.

So I don't understand Christian music. I think this is related to my tornness between outreach and acceptance, maybe not. I've read a fair bit about the history of Contemporary Christian Music, and a for a long time, it was viewed as being almost entirely for the purpose of evangelism, primarily to youth. So altar calls were common, stuff like that.

But I dunno, maybe I'm wrong, but CCM doesn't seem like a particularly good outreach tool. Mostly because it's so entrenched in its own subculture. It seems more like CCM is a way for Christians in their own subculture to mimic the world without being completely heathen, whatever that means. If anything, it almost seems like a gateway for Christians to the world.

I dunno, I'm probably wrong about this. But yeah, I know I know very little about CCM nowadays, but when I look at it, it doesn't really feel like it's drawing the world into the church. It seems like it's drawing the church into mimicing the world, if that makes any sense. Probably not.

At any rate, the book I jive with most is Charlie Peacock's At The Crossroads, I think. He's big on having a kingdom perspective. Always having a larger view. And some music, like worship music, should have a very specific purpose. But that's not the sole purpose of music. I jive with that. Music is just music. I'm doing a horrible job of explaining this thing that no one cares about but whatever. Love of the game.

The reason I like Bohnanza is, skill makes a significant difference in how well you do, but luck is enough of a factor that anyone can still have a chance to win. I'm coming to believe that when everyone knows how to play, luck is more of a factor in Settlers, and that's kind of frustrating. I dunno, that's just how I've felt lately.

So I've been playing some poker and I realized that when it counts, for money or pushups or whatever, I don't think I've ever lost. Not necessarily won, just not lost - at least come out even. Anyway, I think I've got a fairly good grasp of No Limit Texas Hold 'Em now. And I strongly believe you should never play No Limit style with newcomers for money ever. It's simply not fair, and they can lose their money way too quickly. And that's fun for no one.

What I've noticed about most people I play with also is that they don't know when to fold. I dunno. My advice for a beginner is, you can never fold too much. When you get your good hand, the other dumb beginners will stay in with you so you'll do OK with that. So just fold fold fold until you get a great hand, and you'll end up ahead.

Also, it makes no sense to play No Limit unless you're playing tournament style. I think. Otherwise, it should be limit Hold 'Em. But anyway.

Merry belated Christmas, I guess. In honor of the "true" spirit of Christmas neither of my parents stepped foot in a single store this year so us "kids" got nothing. Warms the heart right good.

I think I wrote before how I can't go to Disneyland again until I have kids. Just, the magic is gone for me, so it won't be really fun again until I take my kids, when it's magical for them. Anyway, I think Christmas is starting to be kind of like that. I dunno, maybe there's just something wrong with me, but I just feel like it's becoming less and less special each year. Even since college. Now, besides the Jesus thing, it's just a time to see family. Which is nice and all. Just not super special. I dunno, maybe there's something wrong with me.

Anyway, my sister's pregnant so we've been talking just a little bit about how we're going to raise our kids. Like I'm undecided on how much TV we'll let them watch. I don't want them to watch too much, but it seems kinda hypocritical. Me and my sister watched TONS of TV as kids. TV was our primary caretaker. Second was my grandma. Then my parents. But yeah, hours and hours each day. It's kind of cool, kind of sad, but sometimes we reminisce by singing old TV theme songs. Anyway, was all that TV bad? I think I turned out all right. It might have even aided my social development. I dunno. Anyway, torn.

This came up in small group also but we're unsure about whether we're gonna do the Santa Claus thing with them. I asked my parents and according to them, they never went either way, didn't say he exists, didn't say he didn't exist. I can't remember exactly why we believed in him though. Jieun doesn't want to do that. Doesn't want to do the dressing up at Halloween either. We'll see, I guess.

SN. Jieun asked me the other day if I expect her to be the primary caretaker of our kids. I hate it when she asks questions like that. Ugh. Because I know there's a "right" answer, I just don't always know what it is, so I need to kind of fumble my way through it. What's the right answer to this question? Is she asking if I want to share responsibility? As it turns out, that's not it. She wants to be the primary caretaker. She was just asking if I shared that. But yeah, not clear from the question. I dunno, it's not easy coming up with the right answers.

Anyway, since Xmas is the one time our family's all together it's kind of like a time marker. And by this time next year I'll have a niece. I dunno, time keeps hurtling forward, life keeps changing, it's crazy. We'll see what this next year holds I guess. Boring.

I'm kind of big on not being cutting edge. Everything I get into, it's behind the curve, I think. Still no PDA, I drive an old car, I watch movies after everyone else, stuff like that. Haven't read any Harry Potter yet, maybe this week. I'm not sure why it is. Partly I'm lazy. Partly it's a sort of inverse pride thing. And part of it is, I dunno, it's like a built in filter. Let everyone else figure out what's good and what's crap. Saves me time.

Whoa, boring. Anyway, kind of in support of Jieun, I've been watching the first season of Alias (8 episodes in a single day... that's what happens when Jieun's out of town), and it's pretty good! I dunno, it's just interesting and entertaining the way things unfold. I actually like it a lot.

One random thing I like about it is the music. The score's fine, but more the soundtrack. And not the Smash Mouth or the stuff they stole from the Matrix end credits, more the ethereal type stuff they use. I dunno, for some reason I like it. There was one episode also where I think it was Sting doing a cover of Someone To Watch Over Me. That was an interesting rendition.

Quentin Tarantino though... random.

Can you get any less cutting edge and unhip than me? I'm just now getting into Alias. Whatever.

You know, if you haven't seen Adaptation yet, you'll probably not like it. I think I'm misrepresenting the movie a bit. It's not that it's not a deep movie, or that it's profundity is purely incidental, it's just, that's not the tone of the movie, if that makes any sense. The tone is, it's just an entertaining comedy. I think it's important to know that.

That said, here's another section from the movie I loved. I'm not even joking, when I saw this in the theater I nearly cried. Issues.

Point is, what's so wonderful is that every one of these flowers has a specific relationship with the insect that pollinates it. There's a certain orchid look exactly like a certain insect so the insect is drawn to this flower, its double, its soul mate, and wants nothing more than to make love to it. And after the insect flies off, spots another soul-mate flower and makes love to it, thus pollinating it. And neither the flower nor the insect will ever understand the significance of their lovemaking. I mean, how could they know that because of their little dance the world lives? But it does. By simply doing what they're designed to do, something large and magnificent happens. In this sense they show us how to live -- how the only barometer you have is your heart. How, when you spot your flower, you can't let anything get in your way.

I dunno, I love the movie. But that's just me.

I forgot to mention something about that CompUSA sale. So the super long line was all against one wall. What happened was, a few people just lingered around the entrace and tried to sneak in when the doors opened. And people got *pissed*. I mean, people physically grabbed them and pulled them out of the store. I don't know what's sadder, people trying to cut in line for a nerd sale or the depth of the nerd wrath at said line cutters. But seriously, there are few things in life scarier than an irate nerd mob. I love Silicon Valley.

I'd keep the journals. Also, you can bargain when shopping for furniture. Never ever pay what's listed. We got our stuff at Mancini's and I can't remember how much we paid but it was significantly less than sticker price.

In a lot of things foodwise, Jieun and I have opposite tastes. Like it's well known how her favorite dish to make is kimchee stew, which I dislike. But really, our differences run the whole gamut.

Like, I love root beer. She hates it. I like hot glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts. She likes cold unglazed Krispy Kreme. She in fact likes cold food in general. Including cold biscuits from KFC. I only like them hot. Cold is unbearable.

The funniest thing was recently we were going over our rankings of McDonald's Chicken McNuggets sauces, and ours are in exact reverse order. My ranking from favorite to least liked is Barbecue, Honey, Sweet and Sour, then Hot Mustard. Hers, exactly the reverse. I dunno, we agree on most food things, but those things in which we disagree, especially when we exactly disagree, amuse me.

But honestly, cold unglazed Krispy Kreme?? That's my wife. I love her.

They finally started releasing English translations of the Rurouni Kenshin manga. (Am I using that right? I hope so.) It's weird, because they kept right to left orientation that Asian books have, but it's in English. Interesting.

So I was reading the shooting script to Adaptation, and seriously, it's one of the most brilliant movies ever made. 5 stars. Definitely in my top 15 movies of all time, possibly my top 10.

I could go on and on about why it's brilliant, but whatever. For me, I just jive with the message. Orchids are fascinating in part because they're perhaps the most adaptive plant. The movie is amazing because it captures this, what it means to be adaptive, whether you're an orchid, a writer, a screenwriter, or whatever. And what it means to have passion. And purpose. I dunno, it's amazing to me.

And like I said, I really jive with that. I think "strength" comes from adaptability, not in being unmoveable. I think a lot of people believe the opposite. That you are strong if you make yourself set, and impose actions on your environment. Argh, I'm not explaining myself very well, I hate how I write. But yeah, it's like, people think to be stronger, you need a stronger sense of your self, figure out who you are, be strong in who you are, and impose that on everything around you.

I go back and forth on the right amount of balance between acceptance and witness, if that makes any sense. What I mean is this. You know, when the world sees people who go to church doing questionable things, basically being like the world, it's a bad witness. Makes it seem like the church is full of hypocrites. Thing is, "wordly" people and hypocrites are exactly the ones we need going to church. My dad's whole mantra is the church is a hospital, based on Jesus saying how he came for the sick, etc. But yeah, we need the sick people in the hospital; the sicker, the more they need to be there. So I believe in getting those people into church. Problem is, the more of them there are in church, the more it tends to turn off other people from church, when they see no difference between churchgoers and the world. It's a weird conundrum. I can't get my head around it.

The ideal situation is that "worldly" people come to church, but then get filled with the Spirit and see how empty and unfulfilling worldliness is and they change. It's just, reality is more complicated than that. Maybe I just lack faith? I dunno.

Reason this came up is I was hanging out with some people lately and I felt those competing emotions. Just, a few of them were, I dunno, just into things I'm not into. I think I've said before how I feel uncomfortable when I'm hanging out with Christians and it feels like hanging out with non-Christians. So on one hand, it bothered me. But on the other hand, I was encouraged. Just, this church that they all went to was a true community, so people kept going because of the continuity of that community. What I mean I guess is that sometimes people who go away for school or move or whatever end up drifting from the church in the transitions. But when people grow up in a church and have longterm community there, the same types of people end up staying in the church. And that part I find encouraging, that the church keeps people who might otherwise be drifting. The church is a hospital. So I find it really good that they're thre, even though I'm simultaneously bothered.

Anyway, yeah, church sociology fascinates me, it's something I think about a lot. No answers to anything, just thoughts and questions.

Norm's last entry made me jealous. I want to go to a Nerds Awards Dinner!

Do they have Kolaches in the Bay Area? Or anywhere outside Texas?

I'm currently working my way through the Mega Man games and Mega Man 5 is significantly easier than Mega Man 4. MM4 is just ridiculous. Capcom must have realized that and toned it down for MM5.

I've also been rereading Linda Lee's biography of Bruce Lee (which is utterly fascinating) and she says something interesting. She had a lot of Asian female friends in high school, which surprised me. This is Seattle in the 50s, and she says her school was 20% Asian. I dunno, I tend to think Asian invasions are a recent thing but I guess they happened in pockets a long time ago all over the U.S., to a lesser extent. Not sure why I find that interesting, I just do.

I've written all the time about the sucky things you go through being super skinny growing up. Not finding clothes that fit. Not being able to tuck in your shirt without looking ridiculous. Here's another thing normal people might not realize. So, like the rest of my body, I had/have skinny feet. So rental shoes/boots/whatever never quite fit, no matter how tight I make it. What this means is, stuff like ice skating and skiing is really exhausting, because my feet aren't totally secure, and that increases the effort required to maintain stability an insane amount. Especially with skiing, I've been to a lot of places, gotten a lot of help, and no matter how tight I make it, I've never worn boots in which my feet are secure. Just one of those things you have to deal with.

I'm also really thankful for all the music education I've had in my life. I'm really curious how common it is. Like, in elementary school, we had a school two part choir, sopranos and altos for the upper grades (4th through 6th). Is this common? Jieun said her school didn't have it. I can't remember if we met during or after school.

I've told this story before. But there was an "audition" during a music class (one music teacher for the school, Mr. Seyler, and each class had music once a week) close to the beginning of the year. He'd line up the people who could sing and then have each of us say "hello", and based on that he'd put us in sopranos or altos.

I was always a soprano, which sucked. A devastating blow to my elementary school masculinity. But just practically speaking, most of my friends (all male) were altos. So during section practice, I'd be with mostly a bunch of girls. During combined practice, I'd watch them goof around on the other side of the bleachers while I was stuck with all the well behaved girls. The absolute worst was the first year, 4th grade, when not only was I a soprano, but I was also among the shortest there so I was at the bottom of the bleachers. Standing there in the front left totally emphasized that I was a short kid with a really high voice. Not good times.

By 6th grade I was determined to be an alto, so when Mr. Seyler came around, I tried to muster up the deepest "hello" I could. He paused for a little bit, and then said, "soprano". Sad. Even worse, my sister was in 4th grade that year, and she was an alto. My 4th grade sister was more masculine than my 6th grade self. Depressing.

Anyway, we sung a bunch of two part songs, a lot of which I still remember, and each year we'd have a districtwide concert, in which the choirs from all the elementary schools got together. Each director would handle one song. It's there I realized that while Mr. Seyler only taught at our school, other music teachers taught at multiple schools. The reason that sticks out is, at I think almost every other school in the district, the GATE program was set up so the kids were bused somewhere a couple hours a day or a couple days a week, something like that, and took classes together. But at Glider, the GATE program was self-contained, so we weren't bused anywhere. So in 7th grade, the kids in the "smart" classes already knew each other because of GATE, except for all of us from Glider. Why Glider did its own thing I have no idea.

Anyway, yeah, he taught everyone how to read music and how to sing correctly, a lot of which I still remember even if I never do it. And I dunno, that and band I think was a cool experience. Did everyone do stuff like this? No clue.

It's Thanksgiving and I should probably be writing something holy about what I'm thankful for. Instead, I'm gonna write about a sale that CompUSA had last night, from 6 PM to 12. I've never seen anything like it. I stopped by just before 6, thought I'd get there a little early, try and get a hard drive. Little did I know. The line to get in stretched from the door all the way down the entire strip mall. The entire parking lot was completely packed. People had been waiting there for hours. For a computer store sale! It was absolutely insane.

The great thing was, everyone in line was an out and out nerd. Just tons of dorky glasses and questionable fashion sense. In other words, I fit right in. I hadn't seen that many nerds in one place since the opening of Star Wars, and to a lesser extent, whenever Blackwelder (Stanford grad dorm) gave out free food. Good times.

I love that about Silicon Valley. That's it's a place were nerds aren't just tolerated, but embraced. One of those things I'm thankful for.

Maybe I'm being heretical here, but I think it's too simplistic and maybe inaccurate to say there's no lasting value in entertainment at all. And maybe it's just my misunderstanding of Scripture. But as I read it, the Bible seems to be full of stuff that's reasonable to call entertainment.

Like, Jesus' first sign in John is to provide the alcohol for a party. In general, the accusations against him was that he was a party animal (a "glutton and a drunkard", a friend of sinners). One of David's jobs was to provide entertainment for Saul. There's no indication that this was a bad thing. Paul makes sports references in his epistles. Running the race, training, competing for a prize.

And just in general, it seems like God *commands* His people to celebrate, feast, whatever, a lot. There's just a lot of entertainment type stuff in Scripture, and not all of it is necessarily what we'd call inherently God-centered, like the sports stuff. Meaning, it's not all Christmas pageants and worship music. There's entertainment there, so I think there must be some value to it. Even, dare I say it, lasting value.

Yeah, the problem of our generation is that we value entertainment too much, not too little. But just philosophically, based on how I read Scripture, I think there's some good in entertainment.

I think the biggest thing for me is this. There is an appropriate place for dourness and a healthy fear of the Lord in Christianity. But that can't be the primary thing that characterizes or drives us, I think. Scripture uses the words joy and rest far too much for that to be true. And if our desire to eliminate entertainment is driven by fear, that strikes me as not being a good thing.

I realized (again I guess) this weekend that I was fairly sheltered growing up. And I'm actually really happy about that. I don't think it left me any less able to handle the "real" world. Quite the contrary. I think it gave me a better perspective on what's important and what's necessary for happiness and what have you. And made me more able to wisely handle the "real" world. I dunno, I'm just very grateful for my childhood.

The weird thing about my childhood is that I feel like I was always surrounded by "good" kids. And I wonder a lot how much of that was my own influence, and how much was just coincidence. The reason I wonder is, I dunno, like I've said this before, but I've never cussed in my life. The thing is, my closest friends didn't cuss either. I'm not talking just about church friends. But at school either. And my closest friends in school were this Japanese guy who was active in the Buddhist community in San Jose, and this Indian guy who was (at least nominally) Hindu. None of us ever swore. Japanese guy went to different Jr. High, but Indian friend and I never swore all the way through high school. And I find that really peculiar.

Anyway, cussing is just an easy example. In general, I think I've always been surrounded by "good" people and I feel lucky for that. I'd like to think that part of it was my influence, that I made my friends more "good" but I think in reality it was providence. Which I'm grateful for.

I strained my neck. You know how sometimes you sleep wrong and in the morning it hurts to turn your head too far to either side? Maybe you don't. But it's like that, except it happened during the day Friday and it's worse than it's ever been.

I'm not sure what it is. I want to say it's a pinched nerve but I did a bit of research and they say that's usually accompanied by feelings of limbs being asleep or pain in the back and that's not what I have. It's all in the neck, I can't turn my head. Dunno what it is, or what to do about it.

For the record, I cried during School of Rock also. Disturbing. It's not even a crying movie. Issues.

What I liked about Love Actually (spoilers, kinda) was that it wasn't all superficial lovey dovey stuff. Some of it was, and that part whatever. But I dunno, it looked at different parts of love that pleasantly surprised me. Like how love also involves pain. When you lose someone. Agony, when you don't have someone. Sacrifice. I loved the Laura Linney thing. The tension between romantic and sacrificial love. I dunno, I found the scene with her brother really moving.

I liked what the kid said, about there being no worse agony than being in love. Ain't that the truth. I dunno, the movie was good about that I think, that love isn't just all fairy tale goodness. It's more that love amplifies everything. Makes the joy even greater. But makes the pain more acute also. Pain of loss, betrayal, unattainability, whatever. I dunno, I jive with that.

And I actually liked the Colin Firth story, believe it or not. It just made me think. Like, how much verbal communication is required for love to happen? That's an interesting idea to me. I've thought in the past that it's absolutely essential, maybe the number one thing, but I dunno anymore. Like my Korean has deteriorated to the point that I can barely communicate with my grandmother, but we still clearly love each other. Yeah, I know, romantic love is totally different. I'm just thinking about it, is all. How much verbal communication you need in love. Or at least to fall in love.

So bully for you, John.

Anyway, yeah, not a perfect movie, it's just a little too much in general, but it made me think, and that's the most I can ask for.

Dude, there is something *seriously* wrong with me. I cried during Love Actually. Argh.

I 100% blame Jieun. Pre-Jieun, for like 15 years, I was bone dry, nary a drop. In the years of Jieun I'm becoming more and more a blubbery fool. Pretty soon I'm gonna have to start avoiding Hallmark commercials, that's how pathetic I am. Not good.

Love Actually was actually a lot more interesting and slightly less superficial than I thought it would be. A bit too long, and not every story worked, but I was OK with it. 3 stars.

I've gotten three massages in my life, and I've yet to figure out if I'm supposed to keep my underwear on or not. People say it's optional, but I dunno, I'm still afraid I'm doing something wrong, either way. Keep it on, they might think I'm a weirdo. Take it off, they might think I'm a pervert. I've opted for keeping it on so far. I'm a tighty whitey guy, and I figure that's naked enough.

Anyway, the last one I got was in Santa Cruz, and the person doing it was this new-age cuckoo I think, who I swear was injecting politics into my massage. Maybe I'm making that up. But the new-age cuckoo part was real. She spent part of the time doing this "ancient Chinese technique" (the name of which she said in such a way that offended me, and I'm not even Chinese) she claimed I would love that involved no discernible movement or pressure. She just kind of stood there and breathed deeply. Cuckoo. Maybe it's just me, but I like massages that involve... oh I dunno... massaging? I'm crazy like that.

Anyway, I was giving some pertinent information, for example, that I'm a programmer and sit kind of hunched up in front of a computer all day. Also that I try to work out. To this she said, "I can tell." Normally I'd be pleased, but the way she said it was totally disapproving. She then goes on for about 15 minutes about how she doesn't understand lifting, how it's bad, it compresses, doesn't stretch, you don't *achieve* anything, yadda yadda yadda. And I swear, she was talking about lifting but it felt political to me. She was saying "lifting is bad" but I promise, what I heard was "I bet you voted for Bob Dole." I dunno, it was just odd.

Where was I. Oh yeah. I dunno, I feel like I should say more on this page what I actually do. And one of the things I've done pretty faithfully for a while is lift. I'm not hardcore, I only go like twice a week, so it's more maintenance than anything. And I don't want to be huge. Given my genetics, I don't think I ever could be; I'll always be skinny. I would like to be cut though. By default, I'm both skinny and flabby, worst of both worlds. I'd like to be like Eddie, who's naturally cut, even though he eats a ton. Apparently his body converts it all to sinew and massive amounts of methane as a byproduct. My body doesn't do that. No sinew, no methane. So it's harder for me. Don't think it will happen, but we'll see.

Anyway, the reasons I lift are threefold. One, I dunno, it just feels good to. There are probably endorphins involved or something, but yeah, good feeling. The other two are a little more practical. I find that my posture improves when I workout. I think I'm past the point of no return to a certain extent, but in terms of severity, it's not quite as bad when I'm working out.

The other thing is, well, a few months after I started this job 3 years ago, I started feeling pain in my hands and forearms. Like half our generation it seems like. It's sad. Anyway, I started working out and they disappeared. The thing is, when I don't work out for a while, I get the random pains again, like in my forearms and shoulders. Work out again, and they disappear. So yeah, I think I need to lift a bit to keep certain pains away. It's worked so far so I'm sticking with it.

Boring.

My parents are also fairly fluent in English. My mom regularly gets mistaken for my sister on the phone. And my dad faithfully reads "It Pays To Enrich Your Word Power" in Reader's Digest. SN. Our entire family used to read RD, and I'm not certain, but have a hunch, that all of us read it on the toilet. Both of those facts - that we read it, and where we read it - says something about us, I think. Not sure what though.

They still make systematic errors though. When nervous, my dad uses a** instead of "butt", which is startling. (But nowadays, I'm not even sure if that's profanity. They say it on the radio all the time. Times are changing. Scott Adams is right - it's not profanity anymore unless it's so vile and vulgar it causes the hearer and their pets to light on fire. Everything else seems to be fair game.) And his "bold" and "bored" sound very alike. He was once telling us about how he was praying for someone and for some reason felt very "borld". It was amusing at the time.

I have never heard a worship team play Famous One correctly. The song's in 6/8, but there's a part right after "... is Your name in all the earth" where there's only 5 beats, not 6. Subtle, odd, interesting. Also difficult. I've never heard anyone actually play that. Most just stick with 6 beats because it's easier.

I'm sorry, this may invalidate any musical authority I have but I can't help it: I like My Heart Will Go On. Billions in China can't be wrong. I have this fond memory of being there, and the song came on and I was absentmindedly singing along, and Esther Chun asks me, "Are you singing harmony to Celine Dion???" and she just dies laughing. What can I say. It's catchy.

You know, I understand why Dave kind of split up his pages. I'm kind of confused writing on this page, because I don't know who the "audience" is. I think most people who read this have no idea what's going on in my life. I dunno, it's odd, I think I'm both open and closed. Some of it is intentional, like I'll never write about my job on this page, for various reasons, and that's like a big chunk of my waking existence. But some of it is just audience confusion. Like leading small group takes up a large part of my life, but it's kind of odd writing about it, with people from it reading, you know? I dunno.

Anyway, I think I've been learning a ton from doing it. In men's group, the last thing we did was each write a mission statement for our life, and I think it brought me a surprising amount of clarity. I should write about it sometime. But one thing I realized is that I should be leading Bible studies.

Which is hard for me. I dunno, leading doesn't come naturally to me. I always want to defer the hard decisions, and personality wise, I just don't jive with "leading". But for various reasons, I think it's something I should do, and that was a key realization for me.

Anyway, how's it been going, dunno. But like I said, I think I personally have been learning a lot. Here's the biggest thing. I think I'm just now learning how to leave things in God's hands and not depend on human strength. It's something that took me like 20 years (and counting) to start to grasp, but yeah, I think I'm starting to understand it a bit more, and that's interesting. After every week I'm always thinking in my head, "interesting", just seeing how God works. I dunno, I'm being vague but it's something I think I'm starting to learn.

One more thing. You know, I get really nervous around naturally holy people. Nothing makes you feel more unclean than being in close proximity with holiness. Not just holiness, but natural holiness, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, someone told me recently that they consider *me* holy. That's absolutely stunning to me. I find that hard to believe.

Zits. Caveat lector.

There are three types of zits I hate the most. One is the inaccessible zit. Like the ear canal zit, the inner nostril zit, the scalp zit. Another is the impossible to remove zit. No matter how hard I try, it just will not pop, and all I'm left with is tears, bruising around the area and the fully intact zit. The last is the cluster zit. Where there's like 3 or 4 zits in a cluster, usually a primary zit with auxiliary zits. It's not enough to pop one, you have to pop them all. Brutal.

Is that gross? I dunno, sorry, just keeping it real. Anyway, I think I've recently realized that chocolate gives me zits. Some doctor friends say that that's impossible, there's no way chocolate can cause that. Whatever. Even if it's psychological, it always happens. So yeah, Halloween aftermath has not been kind.

Another realization: caffeine gives me headaches. Really bad ones. As you may or may not know, I try to avoid caffeine. It's easy to do, and it's good for you, so why not. Anyway, when I do have some, it destroys me. I pee like crazy, and get those aforementioned headaches. Something I just realized.

What I wonder is why it took me so long to figure that out. That's odd to me. Chocolate and caffeine, not exactly super rare things. You'd think I'd have figured that out by now. I dunno.

Question. Is gambling wrong? From a Christian standpoint. I say yes, but I'm not completely settled on it.

Yes, gambling ruins lives. Many lives. Because of the excess, people getting out of control. But then, if it's done in moderation, is it OK? The question someone asked me was this: how is it different from alcohol? Alcohol ruins countless lives. But still, it's not alcohol itself that's bad, but excess, drunkenness. At least, that's the Biblical stance.

So that gambling ruins lives isn't in itself a compelling argument for it being inherently bad. Someone brought up the issue of stewardship, that gambling isn't be a good steward of your money. But again, if it's done in moderation, just for entertainment, how is it different from like going to the movies or whatever? Or going on a hot air balloon ride. You have a fixed amount of money, you spend it on entertainment, is that wrong?

I'm playing devil's advocate here. I still think gambling is wrong, unless it's for like pennies, which kind of destroys the purity of my position I guess, but still. I just can't come up with a fantastic argument as for why it is. Just a gut feeling.

***** Matrix Revolutions Spoilers, kinda *****

You know, it's been asked why the machines didn't just nuke Zion. But I think it makes sense that they didn't. Just, the m.o. had always been that the previous One populated a new Zion, so it needs to be habitable - you nuke it and that's no longer possible.

Still not sure why they just don't have tons of EMPs everywhere, though. Unless EMPs take out other EMPs, which is possible. That would explain why they're only on ships, because the ships tend to be off on their own.

So I've been doing more research on teeth grinding (called "bruxism" I found out). Before I was worried; now I'm freaked out of my mind. Just, I need to do something - if I keep grinding at the rate I am I'll eventually need dentures or something radical like that, and it will have an impact on my appearance. My jaw will be more square and compact. My fear is I'll look like that insane guy in The Rock who was also in Say Anything.

The thing is, all these people say that the standard treatment, a thick mouth guard, is bad. #1, it's only effective as a treatment, not a cure. It doesn't stop you from grinding; as soon as you stop using it, most people start grinding again. The worse thing is, there are side effects, like it can affect your bite, cause headaches, earaches, more rapid tooth decay, an open bite, a host of terrible things that freaked me out enough to make me stop using my mouthguard immediately. I actually think my mouthguard is affecting my bite already, so I didn't need too much prodding to stop.

So what to do. The link between stress and grinding is tenuous, and besides, I have very little stress in my life. Other factors include alcohol and caffeine, two things I very rarely partake of.

Positively Fifth Street is an interesting book. Kind of rambling, goes on digressions that seem random but turn out to be relevant. Kind of like my writing style, except for the relevant part.

He makes an interesting point: there's a difference between power and control. He's talking in the context of fixed bet No Hold 'Em. He says that reduces the game to essentially luck, who has the best hand. So in the situation, the dealer has all the power, even though he has no control.

That's a fascinating idea to me. Power does not equal control. I'm still chewing that one over. I dunno, I think there's spiritual truth to it. The world assumes that power comes when you can do whatever you want. Christianity posits that power comes when you surrender, when you give up control. But yeah, it's interesting for me to think about.

Watched a couple movies recently, My Sassy Girl (finally) and Terminator 3.

I don't get the hype with My Sassy Girl. I liked the ending. But the girl made me so uncomfortable the entire movie. The whole time I was thanking my lucky stars that 1) Jieun is more attractive and 2) Jieun is not like that girl. Egad. What's the appeal? No clue. 2.5 stars.

T3 was better than I expected. 3.5 stars. It's interesting watching it after watching the Matrix movies, because T3 hints at certain issues that are explored in way more depth in the Matrix, namely fate and free will, man vs. machine, purpose, stuff like that. It's surprising to see that at all in an action movie; the piddling ways in which its done show all the more how much deeper the Matrix movies are. I'm not saying the Matrix movies were more "successful". They're just unquestionably deeper, and I have a certain amount of admiration for that, just the attempt.

Anyway, T3 tried to resolve some of the problems from T2 in the only logical (12 Monkeys) way, not totally successfully, but admirable, I thought. T2 is a way better movie though. T2 is seriously the perfect action film. Groundbreaking effects used in a great way, good suspense, humor. Great movie.

How do autistic people do at no limit Texas Hold 'Em? It seems like they'd be awful at it. It's unpredictable. And success requires in part the ability to read the subtlest of physical cues. Just a random thought while reading Positively Fifth Street.

D. Koller is mentioned in the book, Eric. Interesting, huh? Apparently she does game theory research that includes modeling of no limit Texas Hold 'Em, and the book barely mentions the specifics, but from what I can gather, it seems to involve decision analysis. I dunno, I think it's kind of cool, reading about academic research, and knowing the people mentioned. I dunno.

They gave some statistic at Promise Keepers. If everyone that currently attends church in the U.S. were on welfare and gave 10% of what welfare gives, giving in the church would increase by 30%. Something insane like that.

That was one of the big messages of PK - be careful of money, it can rob you of spiritual power. There's a story, you know how in Acts, this cripple asks Peter and John (I think) for money. They respond, "Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk."

The story goes, a Pope was counting a large sum of money and he remarked to someone else, "No more can we say silver and gold have I none." And the other person responded, "Yes, your holiness, but neither can we say 'Rise up and walk.'" The point being, the church had become rich at the cost of losing its spiritual power. I think there's some truth to that. Anyway, random story from PK.

Yes, I'm talking about the Matrix. Maybe a picture might help. I dunno, I think they look very alike:

=

After thinking about it all night, I think I'm down to 1.5 stars. We'll see after IMAX.

Karen, is it just me or does Seraph remind you of Seong? I dunno, I kept thinking that.

Initial reaction: 3.5 stars. Current reaction: 2.5 stars. We'll see where it settles.

Legalism = obedience without surrender. I like that.

So my uncle has a PhD in geology so I asked him some questions, I figure if anyone would know, it would be him.

It's actually kinda interesting, and I don't understand all of it, and I might be getting parts wrong. But there are 4 layers to the earth: crust, mantle, outer core, inner core. I think the outer and inner core can together rightly be called the "center" of the earth. The outer core is liquid, the inner core solid. There are no "layers" of lava, just the outer core and pipes from the outer core to the crust. So my uncle says, there are large areas in the mantle that aren't lava but soft mushy solid that they could conceivably dig through.

Also, the earth is cooling, someday it will be cold like the moon. And it's cooling from the inside out. At one point the outer core will no longer be liquid and will merge with the inner core. At which point there won't be lava either, so if the earth has reached this point, again, no lava problems.

Also, it's not pressure that responsible for lava. It's a contributing factor, uncle says, but the biggest thing is the heat from the earth's core. So there's lava because it's nearer the core which is hot. The source of the heat isn't the pressure, else the earth wouldn't eventually get cold, it would stay the same temperature, since the pressure doesn't change. Er, the pressure independent of temperature. If that makes any sense.

Point is, there are no lava issues with Zion.

The pressure is a problem though. Huge problem. He's OK with it though, because it's far in the future and they will have come up with really smart things.

Did anyone care about this entry? Doubtful. I dunno, I just think it's cool having an uncle with a PhD in Geology.

I'm surprised at how much of that I understood. I can "read" Korean, but I can't really read Korean, so I basically have to sound it out loud and when I hear myself that's when I figure out what it's saying. Does that make any sense? I dunno, maybe only to me. But I don't understand writing. So it's a two step process for me, reciting what I read, then understanding what I recite. It's odd.

Charlie's Angels 2 is a bad bad movie. I just reread Dave's description of Hong Kong movies ("things just happen with no explanation, you just take them as given") and that perfectly characterizes CA2. Egad. The logic was like an early Jackie Chan movie for Lo Wei. On the other hand, the plot prominently featured titanium rings, which I jive with. 1 star.

I think one of the big reasons I liked Reloaded is related to this season in my life. The movies that have resonated strongly with me the past few years frequently say interesting things about purpose, most notably Reloaded, Adaptation and Memento. Purpose is on my mind a lot nowadays and all those movies had interesting, sometimes beautiful things to say about purpose. Something about that really connects with me.

It's kind of true, I do relate to Samson. Not in terms of strength, just in terms of stupidity. The fact that I continually, stupidly turn to things that I know want to destroy me because #1 I think I can handle them and #2 I think I'll be satisfied in them. Stupidity.

I've said this over and over but I have no problem with people disliking, even hating Reloaded. But I can't believe one of Scott's primary objections to it is the "theoretical impossibility" of Zion. First of all, it's just a sci-fi movie. But even then, it's certainly theoretically possible. Given that the entire earth has cooled (thus the need to be near the earth's core in the first place) why assume that there's still layers of molten lava at higher levels? That doesn't make sense.

As for water and air, for water they could do what apparently they're doing in Japan now as they're starting to build deeper and deeper underground, with percolation ponds, whatever it's called. And once you have a certain supply, if you're careful enough, you can be self-sustaining. Oxygen you get from water. That was supposedly NASA's plan for colonies on the moon, getting oxygen from ice on the moon. And it may be (not sure) how they got oxygen on Mars in Total Recall, starring Governor Schwarzenegger.

As for power to do all these things, if they're near heat, they can get power. They're far in the future, so it's reasonable to assume they have efficient ways of transforming heat to power.

Far fetched? Undoubtedly. But it's definitely not "theoretically" impossible.

I grind my teeth. I've ground my teeth ever since I was a kid. I think it's genetic - my mom does also. I've heard her do it - it's so loud you could hear it through their bedroom door. Anyway, because of that, I have no fangs. You know, there are those teeth that look like fangs, I don't have the fangs because they've been ground down flat. It actually helps give me the appearance that my teeth are straighter than they are, because my fangs are smoothed down.

I was looking at my teeth recently though and they're getting ground down to dangerously low levels and I was getting scard. Just, it's a permanent thing, you know? It's not like your tooth enamel grows back. So a dentist friend of mine made me a mouthguard. I actually hadn't made it through an entire night but after noticing the perilously low levels of my teeth the other day I forced myself to go the whole night with it on.

It was one of the worst nights of sleep I've ever had. I was getting up every half hour. At one point I thought it must be close to morning since it felt like I'd been in bed so long and the clock said 3 AM. Utterly exhausted today. And I'm wondering why that is. Maybe I need to grind my teeth to sleep? Like Eddie and his nose rubbing thing? No idea. But I'm hoping my body gets used to not grinding; not sure how much more no sleep I can take.

Ted will hate me but I saw Kill Bill. It was disturbing, yeah, but not as disturbing as I was expecting. But still fairly disturbing. But I didn't think it was brilliant like John Park thinks either. Interesting sure. Not brilliant. I dunno. 2.5 stars.

So we have a friend in the film industry and he says that Revolutions is notorious for being a poorly produced (in terms of post production) film. Apparently, the ways they did things are now examples of the wrong ways to do them. That was kind of disturbing. Will that affect the quality of the film, I asked? Possibly, just in terms of effects and sound, he says. Sad. I dunno, managing expectations.

There's one thing about both Matrix movies that I'm still confused about. When is it that Agents are able to inhabit other people? At times, it seems like they can inhabit anyone. Like, in the last chase scene in The Matrix, random people keep turning into Agents, also that homeless guy. In the car chase sequence in Reloaded, people keep turning into Agents. So can they inhabit anyone? Why then in the Matrix do they not take over the police officers in the beginning of the movie when they're fighting Trinity? They do take over them later in the movie. Why not in the beginning? I dunno, that doesn't make sense to me.

Even more boring than all my recent boring entries. A warning.

Our apartment complex is dog friendly, and I guess those are rare because it seems like every dog owner in the valley has congregated in our complex. It's insane how many dogs there are.

One night two dog owners were walking their dogs and they started talking to each other, about each others' dogs, how beautiful they were, breed, etc. They got on the topic of the number of dogs in the complex, and one made the remark, "There are so many of us (dog owners) here. They really should do something for us."

Do something for you? Do something for you? Here's what they should do. They should build an airtight, soundproof kennel so you can all stick your dogs in there at night so we don't have to hear them when they decide randomly to bark at the top of their canine lungs for hours at 2 in the morning.

Not that I'm bitter. I love dogs. Just not super loud ones between 1 and 7 in the morning.

I hate .so file dependencies. They can kiss me arse. And armpits if they want.

I think for most people college was an exercise in becoming more social. For me though, I think I learned how to be more social, but actually became more antisocial. I'm just thinking about it, and compared to high school, yeah, I became more socially ept, but I hung out with people less quantitatively. And that's stuck to this day. I dunno, I don't think think there's anyone I hang out with consistently besides Jieun.

One thing that's happened to me is, for some reason, I expect to get replaced relationally. I dunno if it's insecurity or wanting to be oddly unselfish or what, but yeah, people I'm friends with, I'm waiting for the time when someone else will come in and replace me, and I'm looking for the most gracious exit.

I have no idea why this is, and it's probably nonsensical, but whatever. And I think that contributes to anti-socialness also.

Someone was saying though how I seem to run into people I know a fair amount. Possibly. But again, that's a function of being socially competent, not social, if that makes any sense. Maybe just to me.

Who decided that you're supposed to push down your cuticles? That's just the most random thing in the world to me. I do not understand that at all.

Ever since I was a kid, I've picked at my fingernails. I don't bite them. Just pick at them. So they're in awful awful shape, raggedy, jagged and torn down really low. That's part of the reason I'll never be a great guitarist. Because my fingernails are so low, I don't have enough support to do hard bends. Makes me kind of sad.

Interesting. I just realized that the song they use in Magnolia that John randomly likes, Aimee Mann I think Wise Up it's called, is in Jerry Maguire. The thing is, I knew that. Aimee once came in to this class I took at Stanford and we listened to that song from the soundtrack; she mentioned that it's a nice way to make a little money (she was struggling a bit at the time). I dunno why I forgot that.

Hmm, I've been writing about music a lot lately. The weird thing is, I don't listen to music that much. Most of the time in the car, I'm listening to sports talk. And I can't work with music - I get too distracted. It's just, I think I have a fairly good memory for music. Even just a listen, I remember a good amount of detail about it. Anyway.

I'm sad. As you may or may not know, I'm fairly cheap, and the 2003 Entertainment Book has facilitated my cheapness in a wonderful way. Alas, it's just about to expire (Nov 1), and although I've already got 2004, I'm sad because 2003 served me so well. I'm a loser.

Anyway, in honor of its impending expiration, I offer a memorial haiku:

Entertainment Book
My heart exults in your deals
Buy one get one free

Yep, definitely taking a day off.

Two songs I like: Evanescence's Bring Me To Life and The Ataris' cover of The Boys Of Summer. I love the first one, from the piano intro to the interesting guitar rhythms, all of it. The piano I like because it very vaguely reminds me of the Exorcist theme, a song I think is absolutely brilliant. Just piano, absolutely chilling. It's one of a handful of songs I wish I had written. Another is Every Breath I Take. I'm rambling.

Anyway, like BMTL, I hear the rest of the album sounds nothing like it but yeah. On the radio they've been playing this acoustic version of it that I like. I'm a sucker for acoustic versions. Just, if a song is good, then the production values are secondary and it should still sound good in that setting. I think Beck has this philosophy also, so he plays his music on a muffled radio or something like that when he's done to make sure it still sounds good. Anyway, yeah, I like acoustic versions. I even like the version of Summer of '69 on Bryan Adams' MTV Unplugged. The only versions I can think of off the top of my head that I dislike are Puddle of Mudd's Blurry and Lifehouse's Hanging By A Moment. Just, they sing it an octave lower in a way that takes all the passion away. Boring.

Whoa, I'm all over the place. Anyway, yeah, I like the Ataris cover also. It works.

I watched Reloaded again over the weekend. It really does get better with further viewings. I think I said this before. But the first time, the philosophy is so front and center it obscures everything else, and if you dig that, it's great, otherwise, frustrating. But with further viewings, it's a little more obscured and other things like plot, the action sequences, etc, which are normally the first impression in other movies, come out more.

And the plot / action scenes are really quite amazing. I dunno, Reloaded kind of fell victim to its own hype, but independent of it, it's pretty incredible. Like the highway scene - it really is amazing. I dunno, I think the movie has the best action sequences ever committed to film. It's up there with Drunken Master II. The beauty of the movement is incredible. The burly brawl, yeah, I understand the CGI criticisms, but it's really interesting, like how the virtual camera moves. Even the "little" scenes, like Neo's fight with Seraph is really awesome.

Anyway, I'm super pumped for Revolutions, which is supposedly less confusing than Reloaded. Anyone want to go to opening night with me?

SN. I'm not a fan of the San Jose Centuries anymore. Once upon a time, they had the best sound around, no question. But the last few movies I've seen there, the sound has been disappointing. With the limited number of screens, the fact that they only take cash, and the somewhat awkward seating, I'd rather go to Mercado nowadays, Asian high schoolers and all.

The best picture and sound is, I guess obviously, IMAX. Reloaded was incredible on IMAX. Hmm, supposedly Revolutions on IMAX comes out the same day as the normal movie. I'm torn... do I watch the first time on IMAX or watch normally then on IMAX later? Is it worth taking a day off of work to see it? Hmm.

Brain teaser.

There are 100 guys boarding a plane one at a time. This not being Southwest, they all have assigned seats, and there are 100 passenger seats on this plane, exactly one for each passenger.

The first person to board the plane decides not to pay attention to his ticket and just sit anywhere randomly. Every person that follows first tries to sit in his assigned seat. If that seat is taken, he sits in one of the unoccupied seats chosen at random.

The next person does not enter the plane until the previous person is fully seated, so there are no multithreading issues. The question is, what is the probability that the last person to board the plane sits in his assigned seat?

World Series notes:

• Was I the only one angry at Yankee Stadium facilities? After the Marlins won, they started playing "New York, New York". What the heck was that? I dunno, very unclassy.

• I also really dislike it when interviewers bring up uncomfortable side issues, especially contract issues. They mentioned it both to McKeon and Pudge. Why do this? What do they expect them to say? Of course they'll say they don't want to think about that now, just want to savor the moment. They always always do. So why they ask the question... drives me bonkers.

• Pudge thanked Jesus. I went to his foundation's site and it says his favorite book is the Bible. It also says he wants to end his career with the Rangers. Whoops.

• Maybe it's just me, but I think like Josh Beckett looks like a cross between Curt Schilling and James Hetfield of Metallica. Is that a stretch? I dunno.

  + =

Is this bad? I rather like The Bodyguard Soundtrack, which I'm randomly listening to recently. "I'm every woman..." oh yeah, go Whitney! They've been playing old Paula Abdul on the radio a lot recently and I love that also. I dunno what that says about me but it must say something.

Does any radio station anywhere ever play New Kids On The Block nowadays? I said this before right? My sister got their album again a couple winters ago and it's really aged - it sounds worse than 80s CCM, and that's saying something.

Why do women view men as projects to be fixed? That vaguely disturbs me. At Promise Keepers, there was a nary a word about how to fix or improve the people in our lives. It was all about what we could do for them. Some in our group felt it was maybe too one-sided in that way, asking what if there is legitimately something wrong with the other person. Maybe. But I for one liked the focus being on ourselves. I think it's more "Christian". Maybe I'm wrong.

As always I'm grateful for Jieun because she's not like other women. I dunno, I think she encourages me the right way. I think I'm getting better also, what do you think, honey? Just, like all men, my first instinct is to fix all her problems. (Which is different I think than trying to fix people. Or maybe it's not. I dunno.) But I think I've gotten a lot better with that, being more supportive instead. Only Jieun can really say though I guess.

Another reason that I've heard from enough disparate sources that I think it's fairly widespread is the opening to Psalm 98: "Sing unto the Lord a new song." The idea being that there's something powerful about expressing things to God in a fresh new way. I think that's another reason why worship leaders are into introducing new songs so much.

As for me, I like singing older songs a lot also. Partly because it gives more a sense of continuity. But there's more to it. I really like what Pastor Dave said once about why we sang hymns at KCPC. In a small way, it connects us to the global church. Both geographically and generationally. And I think that's really true. Like at Promise Keepers, I looked around a lot and the times when the singing was most united was when we sang hymns. Old men, young men, everyone could all sing together in a familiar way and there was something powerful about that. And you can go to churches around the world and they'll all know hymns. That's something that's kind of cool.

So I kind of dislike the super rapid turnover of modern worship songs because you kind of lose that feeling of connection with the universal church. Not that it's a critical thing. It's just kind of nice.

I hate it when Yankees thank God in their interviews, like Bernie Williams did last night. You feel so torn, kind of guilty for pouring down curses on them. It would be so much easier if they were all Satan worshippers. I mean, most of them are, just, the rest of them.

I'm not sure why this is, but I feel like separating Christianity from government is a really good thing. Actually, I know exactly why I feel this way. I could care less about symbols - I'm all about souls. And I feel in this day and age, a healthy separation is more helpful in terms of evangelism. Furthermore, I think it sets a good example for what we would like other countries to do where Christianity is not a primary religion, which would foster evangelism there.

So like, I've already beaten the Alabama 10 Commandments thing to death. But yeah, it doesn't attract people to Christianity. And it definitely turns people off. So I don't see much of the point.

Anyway, maybe this is wrong of me, but I'm against that general saying all he did also. It's not a matter of free speech or right or wrong or whatever; to me it's an issue of propriety. And for someone in his position, I think his comments, regardless of the audience, lacked propriety.

I'm against people who believe that they should say everything they think is true, no filtering whatsoever. That's stupid, and incidentally, a bad idea in relationships. You don't have to lie, it's just, it's not required that everything be said.

Anyway yeah, he's in a position that requires to some extent diplomacy, and that in large part is why I think it was wrong for him to say what he said. Comments like that aren't constructive at all - they galvanize the world against the U.S. And no matter how true you think it is, it's a stupid thing for someone in his position to say.

So I'm against him saying it. It's not about the world persecuting Christians. It's about being wise in regards to your office and position. His comments can have a huge negative effect abroad. And the only possible positive being "encouraging" Christians here. I dunno, I'm against. But that's just me.

My pet peeve though are Christians who misrepresent the Founding Fathers. Some of them were Christians sure. But some key ones who are quoted sometimes are decidedly not. Like Thomas Jefferson. Lots of them were Deists, including I believe Benjamin Franklin, whom the general quotes.

Also, Gus is right. We're not a Christian nation. I don't say that with pride, it's a sad thing. But yeah, I don't understand why people seem to think God will have extra favor on the U.S. We should pray for our leaders and our country, yes. But this country as a whole is an unbelieving one. Why should God pay favor to us?

I really liked what Anne Graham Lotz said after 9/11, something that was totally misunderstood by the media. She was answering how God could let something like that happen. And she said (I hope I get the spirit of what she said) she believed that God was grieved by it. But it's ironic that we do all we can to push God out of everything and then wonder why He doesn't protect us. It's true. We've pushed God out of this country, and why we expect Him to protect us as a "Christian" nation makes no sense.

Hmm, I just completely contradicted myself. First saying I support a lot of separation between church and state and then saying it's nonsensical to expect God's protection when we're pushed him out. Hmm. I have to think about that.

I more often tend to use I dunno at the beginning of the sentence, mate. Don't I? I dunno.

It's Matsui. Not Masui. The vast majority of Asians in the major leagues are pitchers.

Why on earth would you want to model Taco Bell in your cooking? Why not model edible food?

Growing up, and even when I go home now, my mom was always on my case about being constructive with my time. You know what? I have no idea what that means. Being constructive. This may sound weird and dark, but to me, unless it's spiritual, everything else in life almost seems like just a way to entertain yourself until you die. I have a hard time seeing how certain things are inherently more constructive than others.

So like, my mom reads all the time. Which is wonderful. It's just, why is reading particularly more constructive than say watching TV or movies or playing video games? Because it makes you think more? Who cares? Why does that matter?

For the record, I read a lot, watch almost no TV, and watch movies and play video games sparsely. And when I do, I tend to be thoughtful about it. Thoughtful about the movies I watch. And when I play video games, that's my thinking time. I have no idea if that makes any sense. But it's like, when I play Minesweeper, I let the game take over my surface thoughts, which can be all over the place, so there's room for more weighty thoughts. No clue if that makes sense but that's how it works for me. But regardless, I really don't see how reading is fundamentally better than these things.

Same goes for developing skills. I dunno, I'm working on certain music things. Thing is, in the end, you die. So I'm not sure of the philosophical point of that either. It's not bad. It's just, why is that inherently better than watching anime or whatever?

There's a flaw in my reasoning. Developing certain things help you serve people better, like music, or cooking, or whatever. So OK, maybe I understand that. I just don't understand why reading is more constructive than other stuff.

I dunno, maybe I'm being overanalytical. I remember a long time ago I was talking with a deacon at my old church, in which both Cal and Stanford students were in the college group. He was saying one of the differences between the two groups were the Stanford students were always asking "why". They wouldn't do something unless they knew exactly *why* they were supposed to do it. I dunno if that's a fair characterization but that was interesting to me.

So Jieun's cell phone was stolen. I have a hunch as to when it happened, but not sure. Anyway, I'm in a quandary. We have a list of numbers this person has called. Doing some quick Google searches, I have at least one name. And a potential address. I actually called a Mountain View number to see if the Google name was right and it wasn't; Russian name in Google, Spanish speaker on the phone.

What I want to do is call all of the numbers and see if I can get one of them to get me a name. I actually want to visit the Mountain View place also. My guess is it's some punk kid, maybe I can talk to his dad (whom I'm guessing I spoke to on the phone, Spanish speaker). But I dunno, is that crazy? I just want to practice my stalking skills I guess. I dunno.

More office uncomfortability.

I think I've mentioned this before. It's awkward to me when I see a coworker at the other end of a long hall. When do you wave and say hi? Too early and it's awkward for the rest of the time while you're walking towards each other. Do you maintain eye contact and keep on waving? For like 20 yards? Just stare and smile? But you can't just keep walking towards them and say nothing either. I don't know what the right timing is. So I honestly duck into random rooms and corridors sometimes if I see someone at a distance, just to avoid the uncomfortability.

Here's another thing that comes up. So when people ask me, "how are you", for some reason I just feel really bad not asking the same thing back, you know, with "fine, how are you?" Otherwise I feel like I'm being vaguely selfish. The thing is, it's awkward if the distance is too short, because then I'm asking how are you while they're passing. So it's like:

(5 feet away, walking toward each other) (other person): "Hi! How are you?"

(Just as we're passing) (me): "Good! How are you?"

(Already past each other) (other person): "Doing good."

It's that last part that's tricky. By that time we're already past each other so now we're awkwardly craning our necks backwards as we walk so we can finish the exchange. I dunno, it's weird to me. But then, the exchange "Hi! How are you?" "Good.", which avoids the neck craning, seems abbreviated and rude to me. I dunno the solution. I'm thinking I need to be more proactive and be the one to ask how are you first, then I can let them work the rest out.

One thing I like about our church is that I honestly and sincerely like every person there. I don't expect that to last as the church grows. I'm not being negative or anything, I'm just being realistic. There's always people you end up not completely gelling with, and whatever, it just happens. But yeah, as it is, I like everyone there and I find that fairly amazing. It's a blessing.

I'm still a bit disturbed about how much cynicism has a hold on our culture and on me. In many circles, I think cynicism is viewed as a mark of wisdom. Maybe some people even view cynicism as *being* wisdom. And I actually think that's reasonable as far as the world goes. But there's something disturbing about that for those that live the gospel life I think.

I think that's the biggest blessing I received from Promise Keepers. Just, it consistently broke through my cynicism and reminded me that although my skepticism in humans is justified, there's power in the power of Jesus, and that's where our hope comes from. I think it did a fairly good job in emphasizing that it's not self help, it's not that we can change things, but that everything is impossible unless Jesus steps in. And I dunno, there was something refreshing about that.

The worship band was another example of breaking through my cynicism. I'm awful when it comes to praise. Just tend to be really harsh in my head. I was no different coming in. But I was won over. Just, there's something powerful about worshiping together with tons of people - it repeatedly gave me chills. Plus the band was super tight and the worship leader was very good. He even explicitly brought attention at the end at how music can be manipulative and how we need to be focused. I really appreciated that. I dunno, they were really great.

It is extremely odd though hearing a bunch of baritone voices with no females in the mix. Plus they arranged all the songs lower so there was a strong deep masculine rumble when everyone sang. Also the worship leader kind of looked like Donovan McNabb. I'm not being racist here. He really did.

Hmm, I think there are enough new people that I should mention this.

Pet peeve.

I don't get it when people don't want the bands they like to be popular. Either they get annoyed when they get popular and stop listening to them or they want that they never get popular.

That makes zero sense to me. That's not being a fan of the music, it's being an elitist. Wanting to be the first and/or one of just a few to know about something. And I don't understand that.

As for me, my goal is to get everyone to listen to the music I like that doesn't get enough recognition. Why on earth would I want people to *not* listen to it? Makes no sense. So yeah, I try in little ways to be a music evangelist. Everyone knows Out Of The Grey is my primary obsession but I dunno if people know the extent of it. I have in the past stockpiled their CDs when I found it super cheap to give away to people. And I've honestly spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how to become a secular record company executive so I could buy their catalog and rerelease it with strategic single releases of their good songs to again, give them the popularity they deserve. I'm a loser.

One last note. I've written about this before. Anyway, stereo is really fascinating. Obviously, if you make a sound come louder from one side than the other, it sounds like it's coming from that direction. We did this exercise in a music class at Stanford where we'd listen to a song on good headphones and identify the location of each sound. Really interesting. I did Charlie Peacock's Insult Like The Truth, a great song.

Anyway yeah, another interesting effect is delay. If you do a stereo delay, you get more a full enveloping effect than a location effect. It's really interesting.

At any rate, if you're ever bored, listen to the last track of Out Of The Grey's self-titled album sometime just one side at a time, first left, then right. They use an *extreme* delay effect on the vocals, and when you listen to just the delay side it sounds totally bizarre. But together, makes the song incredibly ethereal and airy. Great song.

The School Of Rock is one of the better movies I've seen in a while. It does a great job capturing the joy of music. I dunno, there's something about playing music, when it all comes together perfectly, that's magic and the movie gets that. I actually teared at the concert. Odd.

Jieun appreciated the teaching aspect of the film a lot. I thought that was interesting.

What I thought amazing was how the kids were all actually playing the instruments. They didn't cheat, with the possible exception of the piano during the first classical music scene. But everything else, they were playing their parts. Incredible. Especially the guitarist, I dunno, I thought it was impressive. Jack Black's playing was fudged in parts but that was OK.

But yeah, the movie "gets" the joy of music and that was pretty good.

So Jieun asks me on the way home, is there Christian Rock? I didn't know the answer. I mean, there is "Christian Rock" but is there really Christian *Rock*? If that makes any sense. Probably not. But yeah, is there? Petra? Eh, kinda, I guess. Definitely not Newsboys, I think. They're pop-rock at best. I dunno, I've been out of the Christian music scene forever so I really have no clue.

I wanted to play her my old 77s CDs but don't think she would have liked it. But yeah, I think they rock. They even cover a Led Zep song on "Drowning With Land In Sight". In ways, they're like LZ without the pretention. Thing is, they only rock out on maybe 1/4 their songs, the rest they play this moody altish stuff, which I like, just it doesn't rock out.

Actually, Rachel Rachel's cover of Carry On My Wayward Son on their debut album rocks pretty good, even if it is almost exactly like the original except with women, and guitar instead of piano on the verses.

You know, one of these days I need to compile a list of Christian albums that don't suck that not enough people appreciate. Just, let's be honest, a lot of Christian music sucks. But there are jewels out there. I think I've pushed Out of the Grey's first two albums enough - it's just perfect constructed pop. No other way to put it. Anyway, here are some diamonds:

An e-mail I received today:

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I can't believe how awful the new Rockets logo is.

Promise Keepers was much better than I thought it would be. I dunno, maybe it's just the circles I hang out in but it seems like we're aggressively cynical about everything. And even worse, proud of it. Despite that, I dunno, I was blessed.

One thing though, is I think Promise Keepers is suffering from Street Fighter Syndrome. The problem with Street Fighter is that each new version needs to introduce some kind of twist or complexity to keep fans interested, but every addition makes it harder and harder for a newbie to get into the game. Capcom vs. SNK 2 is one of the most absurd games ever made. There are like 50 characters and 6 separate fighting systems. Absurd. How can someone new ever learn? Anyway, that's the dilemma.

I think Promise Keepers is going through the same thing. My impression is every year they switch up the theme to keep it fresh for people who have gone before. Problem is, I dunno, I think they just skip over some fundamental stuff that would have been nice for us newcomers. For example, it's called Promise Keepers but they never once went over the 7 Promises of a PK. It's printed in the program. But was never discussed. I thought that odd.

Let me give the whole quotation: "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure." The "but" to me is critical, and something I don't hear when people quote this line. The movie is in part about his convictions about what God wants him to do and how that's at odds with a particular talent that he has. And he chooses at one point to forego his opportunity to compete with his talent so he can be true to his convictions.

God's pleasure, our pleasure, OK, I'm not sure. I guess what I'm really saying is that I've heard and I myself have shortchanged the line "when I run I feel God's pleasure", taken it out of context. In the movie, and in life, regardless of what the line means, it's not a primary consideration, it needs to be subjugated to God's will. That's the most important message, and something I've missed I think when I've thought about the line.

Actually, a perfect season is neither sufficient for a national championship (which I think you said) nor is it necessary. Most recently, I believe, Florida in 1996 was the national champion with a 12-1 record. Which makes polls/BCS system even more weighty. I dunno, just lends more credence to a playoff system, which you touch on.

Buckeyes lost. Sad. It was inevitable though. They're really not a great team. Good team, not great.

I'll write about Promise Keepers tomorrow I guess, maybe. Not that people are clamoring to hear about it.

There's a line from Chariots of Fire, "When I run I feel His pleasure." I've heard it mentioned in sermons. You know what? I think that line has done me a disservice in life. Is that bold? I dunno, I was just reading something the other day and it was reminding how in Scripture spiritual gifts are always discussed in the context of how they can be used to serve others. That's always the primary thing. Personal pleasure is a far less significant consideration. Maybe not irrelevant, but definitely not key.

So yeah, I honestly think that line has confused me spiritually. But I dunno, still stuff I'm thinking about.

3 quick notes of no importance:

I find it interesting which sports teams I end up rooting for when I have no immediate vested interest. A lot of times, I cannot predict it ahead of time, it's just a purely emotional thing that happens as I watch. So like, that Giants / Dallas game a few Mondays ago, I rooted for the Giants. No clue why. A's / Red Sox, rooted for the A's. Not sure why. I dunno, sports is weird like that.

This is just my opinion, but I think you're employing two fallacies here.

#1, you're not just talking about a capacity for doing evil, but actually doing evil. Everyone has the capacity for doing evil. Everyone is evil. This is both Biblically and experentially true. So it can't be capacity for evil you're talking about, but actually doing evil. You can call it whatever you want, being weaker, or being more sensitive to temptation, whatever, but in the end the only real criteria you can have is that someone actually does more evil. They have more capacity for evil because they have actually done more evil.

Any other criteria of "capacity for evil" is unmeasurable. In my view. How do you know that someone is tempted more than someone else? Or that they're weaker than someone else? There's no way to tell unless they actually do more evil. It might be that someone who seems super good internally actually goes through incredible struggle with temptation. But you can't *really* know that. Anyway.

And that seems contradictory. That you must actually do evil to be more good. On a purely secular logical standpoint, seems odd.

Which gets to #2 - there's an assumption that being empathic is tantamount to being good. That is, that empathy is the only thing (or at least the most important thing) about being good. I don't think that's necessarily true. Why should empathy be the most important part of being good? I don't think it is. Maybe that's just me.

So for myself, I do not believe that you can meaningfully talk about relative capacities for evil unless the criteria involves how much evil people actually do. And I cannot believe that you must do evil to be good. Nor do I believe that empathy is the only or even the most important part of being good, even in a relational sense. But that's just my opinion.

After I voted today I was thinking about it and I really have no idea what my political affiliations are. My policy beliefs are all over the map. I think (and I'm not even sure) that I tend to have conservative values in terms of economic policy. But I'm super against the Republican Party's stand on many economic issues. Like, and I've said this hundreds of times, but I'm super against Prop 13. It was a response to a bad situation, taxes out of control, but was the wrong solution. And the CA Republican Party's staunch support of this awful policy drives me crazy.

Also against the Bush Administration's weak stance on Microsoft. Just, I believe strongly in the power of free markets. I dunno, isn't that a conservative belief? Thought so, but no clue. So yeah, competition is important I think, and the DOJ should have taken a stronger stand against Microsoft. Microsoft has every right to fairly become a monopoly, make as much money as they want. They just can't break the rules. And wussing out on this hurts everyone, I think.

Personally, I'm against the timing of the tax cuts also. I dunno, I thought being against deficit spending was a traditional conservative value. I'm generally in favor of smaller government and more privatization, but the timing of the tax cuts, the deficits it incurs, and the dangerous way it's being done - it's not really shriking government, it's shifting responsibilities to state and local governments - bothers me. But I dunno, I know too little about this to have super strong opinions.

I'm in favor of much higher gas taxes. It makes a lot of long-term sense, I think. Of course it will never happen. Liberals insist on conservation and cheap gas, two things that are opposing forces. Conservatives want less dependence on foreign oil and cheap gas, also opposing forces. Forget the pipe dream. Add a $1 tax to gas, and you'll naturally get more conservation and less dependence on foreign oil. But it will never happen.

Whatever, no point, just, I have no idea what my political affiliations are. And I know that I know nothing.

This weekend I was involved in a conversation with a bunch of 27 year olds, and half the guys were speaking knowledgeably about the cartoons Yu-Gi-Oh, Samurai Jack, and the Justice League. All of them attended Cal. I am not making a judgment here. I am simply stating a fact.

One thing I find odd (different, not bad) about SoCal is the fact that it's possible for Koreans to live there without (almost) ever having to speak anything but Korean. I suppose that's kind of possible up here also, but the sheer number of Korean businesses down there is insane. And the restaurants. Even the Japanese and Chinese restaurants we go to, they speak Korean. It's crazy.

In case anyone cares, I think Blue Stones has become one of my favorite Korean places in the Bay Area. The kalbi is amazing, soft and incredibly flavorful. Last time we went we got this fish dish also that was very very good, on par with the origami bass at Straits.

This is pretty much just for Dave. From the current Newsweek, the editor's desk:

(Writing about Friends) "... I've been won over by the consistently high level of the show's writing. It's not Shakespeare, although as a scholar once pointed out in The New York Times, it can rival the Bard's best comedies in its cleverly shifting romantic entanglements and comic misunderstandings."

Uhh... right.

When we were growing up, after grocery shopping my sister and I would split everything equally and it was very clear that neither of us should touch the other's half. Dire consequences and all. Anyway, she would generally eat her half right away, frequently all on the first day, whereas I would pace myself according to the next grocery trip. Which says something about our respective personalities. Same thing with Halloween candy. She ate the majority of hers the first night. I'd make mine last a long time. So long that she'd steal some, one at a time, later on, when her supply had vanished. I think she thinks I didn't know. I knew. Older siblings always know.

I have no idea how 3 siblings did things. Like, an 8-pack of ice cream bars, how do you divide that among 3? Nothing seems fair, and fairness was my #1 value as a kid.

It's interesting how growing up poor affects people. I think some people become very comfortable with not having money, but others, once they escape it, become very afraid of ever becoming poor again.

Like most of our parents, my parents grew up poor and I think both of those influences were present in my family. But the fear of being poor thing sticks out more to me. I dunno, this is just my own interpretation of things, maybe I'm completely wrong. But the way it expressed it sometimes was in little, random ways. Small things to kind of make us feel cultured, remind us that we're not poor.

Like, and I've mentioned this before, but we ate crumpets a lot growing up. Who the heck eats crumpets? Do people even know what crumpets are? Where do you even find crumpets in the 80s? But yeah, something we did. Ever since I was small, we regularly went to the symphony. Regularly meaning roughly every year. I remember once our family went to see a play, again I think an attempt at "culture". Big mistake. The play was called "Angry Housewives" and the featured song was called "Eat Your F***ing Corn Flakes". You understand, my mom is very sensitive on our behalf. She covered our eyes on the Peter Pan kiddie ride at Disneyland. She was incredibly embarrassed watching Titanic with us (this is when we were in college). So yeah, this play was kind of an embarrassing experience.

We were forced to take tennis lessons for a short time also, despite overwhelming evidence that we had no proclivity towards tennis whatsoever. To this day, I can't serve a tennis ball overhand. There's a high probability that it will go over the fence. If I make contact at all. But anyway, yeah, what I remember is why we had to take lessons. It's not that we liked it or were good at it. My mom thought it was socially important. I'm assuming she got this idea from TV. But someday, she believed we would have to play tennis with (probably rich) people and not being able to would but us at a social disadvantage. I dunno, interesting.

So yeah, again, this is my own maybe wrong spin on things but I've felt like for some time there was this undercurrent, a fear of being poor, in my family, and one way in which we dealt with that was with small, inexpensive touches of culture.

Like with everything, I wonder how this affected. There is one thing. One of the worst feelings for me is that of being uncultured or unknowledgeable. When people talk about stuff I have no idea about, or even worse, if they look down on me for not knowing something, it drives me crazy. I think in general, I respond in one of two ways: go all out in learning about it, or completely reject it.

I think I'm learning to be comfortable with the middle ground though. Not knowing about stuff and being comfortable with that. Like, in the past, I've had this terrible fear sometimes when going to nice restaurants. Drove Jieun bonkers. I was just afraid of doing the wrong thing, of ordering incorrectly, getting the wrong kind of wine, having uncouth manners, and just generally being exposed as an uncultured bumpkin who clearly doesn't belong there. Odd, huh? But whatever, I'm a lot better.

I once bought Wine For Dummies. What the heck was I thinking? But yeah, not knowing about wine bothered me. But again, something I've come to grips with. I dunno, I don't really care anymore and am comfortable in my ignorance. I'll stick with the "bottle of red" and "bottle of white" level.

Boring entry. Whatever, just, in the past few years I've become more comfortable with not having to know things and that's been good for me, I think.

"Inspiration without application leads to frustration." I rather like that. Nice quotation.

Joe's Crab Shack is a national chain. There's one in Lawrenceville, NJ. I don't think it's known for its food though. The most common description I've heard of it is "loud".

I wonder how much of seafood in general is local, though. I found out recently that a lot of the places in SF like at Fisherman's Wharf don't use a whole lot of local fresh seafood, which kind of disturbed me. So when places have dishes I know are local, I try to get them. So like, in Houston, if the menu says like Gulf Shrimp, there's a high probability I'll get it. Not sure why. Apparently I like my seafood oily and high in mercury.

Another question, not sure if I asked on this page before, or if someone else asked it, but yeah, if it's from a lake, like Lake Michigan, is it still called seafood? Or lakefood?