I randomly came across Conan O'Brien's speech at Stuyvesant's 2006 graduation and it's a great speech - funny and thought provoking. Worth a watch or read.

Anytime I stay up all night, near the morning time, no matter what I've eaten the night previous, I always get tons of gas. I don't know what it is. Why would staying up late make me produce inordinate amounts of methane? It's a curious phenomenon.

Someone once told me that the only reason there's caffeine in Coke is to make it more addictive. Meaning, caffeine isn't a natural byproduct of the Coke making process; it's added. And it's not added because it adds taste; it doesn't add any (good) taste. So it's only purpose is to make Coke more addictive. I don't know, that's interesting to me.

Am I the only person who liked Clear Pepsi?

Professor Ullman still uses the UNIX mail program for e-mail.

I was eliminated from the Santa Clara County Spelling Bee for spelling "braggadocio" as "braggadosio."

My first Transformer was Mirage. Albert Shin (I think) broke him in half. My mom never let me have Megatron because it was a gun. But Billy Hwang had Megatron. When I was real small, I thought Billy Hwang was the coolest guy ever.

Am I the only person who liked Clear Pepsi?

Professor Ullman still uses the UNIX mail program for e-mail.

I was eliminated from the Santa Clara County Spelling Bee for spelling "braggadocio" as "braggadosio."

My first Transformer was Mirage. Albert Shin (I think) broke him in half. My mom never let me have Megatron because it was a gun. But Billy Hwang had Megatron. When I was real small, I thought Billy Hwang was the coolest guy ever.

I miss breast milk poop.

Speaking of which, who uses Pampers vs. Huggies? We started off with Huggies, but had consistent leakage problems, so switched to Pampers and haven't had problems since. The difference was so marked that I could not believe anyone would ever use Huggies. I've since heard that Huggies might be better for boys, Pampers for girls. In any case, I'm interested what people use, or if maybe another brand like Luvs is better and/or cheaper.

I find it fascinating how kids develop a sense of humor. I guess kids' development in all aspects is fascinating, but the humor thing I find particularly interesting. What makes something funny to a kid? How do they learn about humor?

After watching a video of Ellie singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat, I was really excited to sing it with her when I saw her in New York. But by that time, she had changed how she sang it. When we got to the "merrily" part, she'd substitute "dream" for random words. For example: "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a... lollipop." And so forth.

When it was my turn, I did my typical sophomoric humor thing and said "Life is but a... buttcrack" (it's an inside joke*). At which she laughed, paused, and said "that's funny". Which, of course, it was. I just thought it was interesting that she thought so. It's not physical humor, which all kids get. It's not exactly wit either, but it's the beginnings of verbal humor. And how do kids learn to understand and appreciate that? It's fascinating to me. They're coming in a week so I'll get a chance to try out more verbal humor with her then.

*I think I wrote about this before already, but last Christmas, Ellie would speak what sounded like gibberish, then my sister would give a translation, to which Ellie would respond "yeah". So the exchange would go something like

Ellie: "Bwa wa fumtoo twee".

My sister: "You're interested in the application of Hidden Markov Models in object tracking for computer vision?"

Ellie: "Yeah."

I'm exaggerating, but you get my point. I couldn't quite see the connection between Ellie's gibberish and my sister's supposed translation. I had a sneaking suspicion that Ellie would just respond yes to words that she recognized. I wasn't even sure she understood grammar yet. So I did a test with her, speaking a stream of words that she understood with no structure to it. And one of the words in her vocabulary was "buttcrack". So for example: "Uncle Sammy wawa buttcrack Cookie Monster here at Gymboree?" And she'd pause, then say, "no..." So I guess she did understand some grammar. But I'm still not positive she was saying what my sister said she was saying. Although I'm probably wrong.

So I wrote before how I think love in action must also involve emotion; same with joy, that it involves some measure of happiness. Here's the flip side to that.

I often hear, in regards to evangelism and missions, prayers like "let our hearts break for the lost". This sentiment is undoubtedly good. My question is, is it Biblical? I kind of shared this in small group leaders training. When I most recently read through Acts, one thing that kind of struck me is that Paul never expresses this sentiment, a "heart" for the lost. What he does express, repeatedly, is a conviction of being sent by God to the Gentiles. But it's very matter of fact; God sent him so he went. On the surface, you would not be able to tell if he even cared about them much at all. It's just, God sent him, so he went. Virtually no emotion expressed at all.

His epistles bear out that he deeply loved his spiritual children and other Christians. But I'm not sure he ever expresses the kind of compassion wrapped up in the sentiment of our hearts breaking for the lost. I may be wrong, but just reading through it, that's the sense I get.

HS said how the hearts breaking thing could mean more having a strong conviction than strong compassion. I'm down with that. I just think sometimes what we pray for (and wait for) is a compassion for the lost as a prerequisite or a motivation to evangelize. My current working theory, and it's only a theory, is that the model of Scripture is that we should be driven less by compassion and more by conviction. We need to know that we've been sent more than we need to feel compassion. Not that the latter is bad. It just shouldn't be the primary motivation, nor am I sure it's even necessary.

Therefore, I will no longer pray for a heart for the lost, just a conviction for the lost. Nor will I sing "Heart For The Nations" ever again. Although I might sing "Our Heart", just because the major 6th chord on "rise in honest worship" is one of the coolest chords ever, accompanying one of the coolest lyrics ever. Honest worship. What a great sentiment.

Here's one thing I don't understand about SoCal people. When you ask them how long it takes to get from one point to another, they almost always say "it takes x minutes without traffic", then they give you a more practical, realistic estimate.

My question is, why even bother saying how long it takes without traffic? There's always traffic in SoCal. No matter what time we drove all weekend, we ran into some traffic somewhere. (The worst was a 2 mile stretch of Wilshire in Santa Monica that took 40 minutes. That's just wrong.) So what's the point of saying how long it takes without traffic when it's never relevant? Is it just like an interesting side fact? Like saying it would take 2 hours by bike, just for kicks? I dunno, I just thought it was odd. Seriously, almost every time. "It takes about 40 minutes without traffic. So it will take about an hour." Ridiculous.

I was kind of surprised at how many posters, bumper stickers, etc. I saw for Greg Laurie and the Harvest thing in San Jose this past weekend. The most random place in which I saw a poster was Thai Basil. Are they Christian there? Then what's up with the Buddha figurines inside? Odd.

I never had Vietnamese food until midway through college. I held out on Indian food even longer, never having it until I started working. It turns out they're both pretty good. But growing up, I had Indian and Vietnamese friends, and their houses all smelled weird to me. So I associated those cuisines with those funky house smells, and it took a long time to get over that.

Our house apparently had a smell also, a fish-like odor they say. I wonder if my non-Korean friends avoided Korean food for a long time because of our house smell. I also wonder if my current apartment has a distinctive smell. Does it? You can be honest.

Scott's right; the self-sacrificial nature of Jack Bauer is one admirable, Christian quality, so I guess it's not completely wrong to admire him. Honestly though, I don't think think that's the primary quality people admire. They just think he's bad arse.

The problem with JB is that his moral issues are muddied by the fact that he always knows the best thing to do, and the things he does nearly always gets the results he wants. These things being true, using whatever means necessary seems a little more justifiable, a little less troubling. But that's not true to real life at all. What would be far more interesting is if he was only right 80% of the time. And his methods achieved his results only 80% of the time. Then would he still be justified in doing what he does? That would raise some really thought-provoking issues.

But yeah, the fact that he's always right and effective muddies the moral difficulties of his actions. In real life, what he does would be terrible. Like torture. It's (supposedly) well established that torture is not an effective means of eliciting information from prisoners; in the end, they'll just say anything to make it stop. You could get the wrong message about that from watching 24. And if you think about it, the Bush administration is like a Jack Bauer - they believe they should be able to do anything to achieve their ends, and that anything short of that is a waste of time that puts lives in danger. And that mentality, in both JB and the government, is wrong.

I actually think John might be the 2nd best ex-420 James Rd. worship pianist. He was messing around on our keyboard when he stopped by last week and I really liked his phrasing and chord choice. I hear him play so infrequently that I had forgotten how good he was.

I know that absolutely no one else cares about this and is bored that I'm bringing it up again, but I'm still disturbed that so many people consider Jack Bauer a hero. I'm done trying to figure out his standard of morality and whether he's immoral or amoral; he's just inconsistent. I have concluded though that Jack Bauer is a symbol of our times: the ends justify the means. Bauer is this principle hyperbolically personified, and only by that standard can he be considered a hero.

And I strongly believe that that mindset is pernicious, even evil; certainly contrary to Christianity. I believe that for Christians, the means matter far more than the ends. And that the mark of a man is not what he accomplishes, but the quality of his character.

That message is completely lost in contemporary American society. My dad I think says this is partly attributable to the influence of the educator Dewey, who shifted the focus of U.S. education from producing people of good character - good citizens - to training people who can contribute to society - productive citizens. That the best society is the most productive society is virtually taken as a given today.

And I think it's seeped into Christian culture also, with us maybe caring too much about results and associating our value with what we accomplish. We should certainly seek to do God's will. But in terms of our value, we should find it more in being loved, not in being used.

I love what Rich Mullins said about this in an interview:

Rich Mullins: In terms of eternity, those people who did the greatest things for God were the people who weren't trying to do anything at all. They were just simply being obedient

Interviewer: Those are the people God can use.

Rich: Those are the people God can use. And I want to be one of them. If God should use me, that would be great but if He doesn't there is a very interesting thing you can do. In the gospel of Mark or in any of the four gospels, you go through the gospels and you say, what people are absolutely essential to this story? So Mary is essential to the story because Mary had to give birth to Jesus. And you could say, well someone else could have. But lets say that if she wouldn't have done it then the story wouldn't have happened. So, you have God who chose to become flesh, you have Mary who gave Him flesh, you have Jesus who was God in the flesh or who was the child of Mary and God, you have Pontius Pilate who had, in an artificial sense, the power to kill Christ, you have Judas Iscariot who betrayed Christ and handed him over to the bad guys, you have whoever it was that nailed Him up to the cross. Out of those people that God used to accomplish His will in the gospel, only a couple of them were very nice people. Most of them were bad people. We all want to be useful to God. Well, its no big deal. God can use anybody. God used Nebuchadnezzar. God used Judas Iscariot. Its not a big deal to be used by God and the shocking thing in the book of Mark, and the reason why it is so shocking is because Mark is the briefest of all the gospels but he has these terrific little details and one of the little details is that it says, "and Jesus called to Him those that He wanted." And you realize that out of the twelve people that He wanted, only one was essential to His goal in coming to earth. The other eleven people were useless to Christ but they were wanted by Christ. And I kind of go, I would much rather have God want me than have God use me.

He's overstating things a little, I think, but it's still a great quotation. We should find more value and joy in being loved than in being used. And we do better not when we focus on the ends, but just the means - obedience. I totally resonate with what he's saying.

I suppose I feel so strongly and feel we have to be hypervigilant against this because 1) the Jack Bauer ends mentality is so prevalent in our culture, 2) it's so detrimental to our Christian walk (in my opinion), and 3) it's a particular danger for those of us who are Asian-American, who are already prone to being achievement-oriented.

So I'm going to make the claim that Christians cannot admire Jack Bauer. His fundamental character is too contrary to true Christian values. And people who do admire him should think long and hard about why they do. My bold claim.

I still find the show entertaining though, but not for the "hero". And definitely not for its portrayal of women. Have you noticed that every female character on the show is annoying, crazy, and/or evil? There's only been one completely good / non-annoying female character, and she's dead. What a misogynistic show.

What is the difference between joy and happiness exactly? Yes, I hear all time that they're different. And if you argue that joy differs from happiness in that happiness is an emotional reaction to circumstance, whereas joy is more abiding, than I completely agree. But if you argue that they're also different in that happiness is emotional and joy isn't, as Scott and j seem to be suggesting, well I'm just not quite sure that's true. It's an idea that makes logical sense. I'm just not sure it's Scriptural.

I actually did do a loose word study on the two, and it wasn't that fruitful, as "happy" and "happiness" don't appear enough to really be clear about the supposed different contexts. Supposedly the word rendered "blessed" in the Beatitudes also means "happy", but supposedly that's not a fully accurate translation either. And Scott's reference to James makes no sense whatsoever since that passage doesn't say to not be happy, but to not have joy, which kind of goes against his point.

For some reason, E on Entourage reminds me of Kr1s S0ng. Jieun concurs.

Here's one thing in Neighbour's book that really challenged me - he notes that doing ministry activities does not mean you're really doing true ministry. I'll say that again: doing ministry activities does not mean you're really doing true ministry. In fact, ministry activities can even insulate us from doing true ministry. We can get so caught up in these activities and roles that we don't have the time or opportunity to really build relationship with fellow Christians to love them and equip them or with non-Christians that we can reach out to them. We become insulated in a ministry bubble.

I'm not saying this is true for anyone else I know, but it definitely cut me to the core. One example: as you may or may not know, I love cleaning up equipment on Sundays. One of the reasons is, it gives me an out from having to talk to and get to know people, which for me is awkward and something I have to work at. I'd much rather get out of it by saying I have to go clean up equipment, especially since not many people like to do tear down.

It seems all good and right to "serve" in that way, but both in motivation and execution, it's all wrong. I was taking pride in doing ministry activity, but it was actually taking the place of true ministry. As someone in my small group said when I shared this, I was being a Martha.

Anyway, it's an idea I was challenged by a lot and I'm still thinking about it. Whether in the ways I'm serving, if it's truly doing what Scripture tells me to do, or if these activities are actually distracting me from doing true ministry.

That said, I do think I'm an anomaly at church. Most people would do anything to get out of setup/teardown. And that's probably not a good thing either.

These MadTV parodies of the latest Survivor are completely wrong, but I couldn't help laughing. Jieun wants me to remind you though that the only reason it's funny is because when truth hurts, humor is the number one way to deal with it.

I sometimes think the Bible stories and songs we teach our children are age inappropriate, that we should save it for when they're older. Like, a Bible story commonly taught to children is Noah's Ark. Uh, hello? This is a story of mass genocide. Not just of humans, but all animal species. And this is appropriate for children? Whatever we're teaching our children through this story, we're surely missing some of the point.

Songs and lessons also. Like Seek Ye First, a song we used to sing when I was a kid. I've been thinking about it, and I think we should save that for when people are older. The context of that verse is about not accumulating earthly riches, not worrying about food or your body or your clothes. But really, how applicable is that to kids? How many kids really worry about food and drink and daily provisions?

I think the target age for that passage should be around 30 years old. I dunno, I just feel like now is the age where we start worrying about stuff like that, how we're going to acquire shelter or survive/thrive financially or amass riches/influence. And I've personally been finding great comfort in that verse: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." So much so that I kind of wanted to sing it for Sunday worship. The problem is, now it's associated as being a kids' song, so the impact of singing it would be lessened. Which is a shame.

You know what's weird? Ask anyone you know to pronounce the word "details" and they all say it the same, like "DEE-tails". But listen to any television or radio ad, and they consistently pronounce the word "deh-TAILS". As in, "read contest rules for deh-TAILS". That's so odd to me, that the word is pronounced consistently differently between real life and ads. Not that anyone in the world ever thinks or cares about stuff like this besides me.

I have no idea why people have kids.

I'm not saying no one has a reason. It's just that we never really talk about it, why we have kids. We talk about the when a lot, the timing. But not so much the why. It's pretty much just expected of people after they've been married for a while.

That's not good enough for me. I've written about this before, but a KCPC deacon once told me how the Stanford students frustrated him because they couldn't just do what they're asked to do, they always need to know why, and wouldn't do anything without knowing that. It made things slower and more difficult because they always had to explain themselves to these pesky kids. I'm not sure if that's a Stanford specific thing or what, but it's definitely true of me; I pretty much can't do anything in life unless I understand the purpose behind it.

For example, it's semi well known that early in college I used to go around telling people that I was celibate. As it turned out, I was flamingly wrong about that. But regardless, getting married isn't something I took for granted, especially in light of how I read Scripture. I needed a specific reason for it.

That applied to having kids also. That it's just the expected thing to do wasn't a good enough reason for me. And empirically, I saw that kids often hindered the parents' ability to be involved in ministry. It seemed that Paul's reservations about marriage, that it makes people divided in terms of attention (and time) were also applicable to having kids. And if something is going to potentially distract from your ability to serve God and the church, it seemed to me that you need a very good reason to do it, something more compelling than it just being expected of you.

I definitely wasn't compelled by kids making parents or grandparents happy. That just didn't make up for the serving tradeoffs, in my mind. Or wanting to have some sort of legacy. It's all too self-focused.

The best reason I heard for having kids was presented to me in Perspectives: having and raising godly children is a way to grow and maintain the Kingdom. You need them to support the church in the next generation, be a light, and grow the Kingdom. We learned in Perspectives that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world. However, that growth comes primarily from Muslims having lots of children. In terms of conversions, Christianity is still the fastest growing religion in the world. I'm not totally sure what the implications of that are; I'm not quite in favor of gigantic families (SN. We saw a bit of Cheaper By The Dozen the other day and both cried multiple times. That's just embarrassing). But I did find that reasoning compelling, that raising godly children is an important way of supporting the Kingdom in the next generation. That makes sense to me.

So that's my goal as far as raising Abby is concerned, that she be someone who helps grow the Kingdom, because I personally don't find any other reason to have children compelling. I'm sure there are other good reasons to have kids, but this is mine. That's why I'm so obsessed with the character thing. And my hope is that the message gets through to her somehow. My goal for her isn't that she be famous or rich or change the world of science or politics or music or whatever. It's just that she be a woman of character and grow the Kingdom. That's why I wanted to have her. That's all that matters.

Anyway, I realized last night that I decide a lot of things in my head without informing Jieun, which is a pretty bad habit. This is one of those things I think I just internally decided and never really discussed. Whoops! Sorry Jieun! We'll see how it goes, anyway.

Starting to get my head out of the water. Back to school night done, work decision made, worship set chosen, Bible study ready, things to worry about diminishing.

You know one thing I realized about myself: I'm terrible at identifying when I'm overwhelmed. Partly because that rarely happens. You may not believe me, but I almost never feel burned out. It's reflected in my life, I think - I rarely take "breaks" from things because I'm overburdened. When I commit to something, I'm virtually committing to it until Jesus returns. Like, I've been leading a small group for 7 years. I've essentially been on worship team for 16 years. I'm not saying this is ideal; I buy the concept of Sabbath times for the benefit of both the individual and the ministry. I'm just saying I never feel so burned out that I have to take a break.

There are a few reasons why I don't burn out much. One, I'm not afraid to set boundaries. Jieun is impressed by this, how I can say no to people in positions of authority. But I'd rather say no to things when I feel I have to so I can be faithful with everything else I've got. Two, to be perfectly honest, I never go all out with things, I always kind of pace myself. I don't know exactly how to explain that, but yeah, in almost everything I do I pace myself. Three, I think I'm just naturally less stressed. It actually kind of bothers Jieun when we have a lot of things to do and I'm completely relaxed; it makes her feel like I'm not taking the tasks seriously. But there's not much I can do about that.

That said, I'm human, and there are bursts of time, like for a day or a week, where I do feel overwhelmed. What I've realized though is that I'm not consciously aware of when this is the case. What ends up happening is something sets me off and I totally overreact to it, and when I peel back my response I realize it's because I am feeling overwhelmed. It's hard for Jieun. She'll make an innocent request and I shut down or whatever because I feel overwhelmed. It would help if I could let her know ahead of time that I have a lot on my plate, but I never realize I'm feeling this way until after the fact, when something's pushed me over. So it's a tough situation, but I'm not quite sure how to address it.

In No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em, at least when you're a beginner, it's frequently the case that how you end the night is less a function of your overall play and more dependent on just a handful of instantaneous decisions made with not too much thought. At Young's bachelor party, near the end of the night, one guy who had played solid the entire night and was slightly up went all in on a pure gamble, just it was the end of the evening. He busted out, and I was really saddened by that, not so much for the money as the stakes were small, but the principle of it, that an entire night of solid play can be invalidated by a single ill-advised gut reaction. I think one of the most important lessons for a beginner is to limit as much as possible these types of moves, where you go crazy without thinking. It happens to everyone; you just have to learn to control it.

I think life is the same way. One of my life theories is that the course of our lives is frequently directed not by so much by the careful planning we do but by a handful of decisions and actions that aren't necessarily made with a lot of thought. Things like why we chose the major / career we did, the friends we have, the places we live, whatever, for a surprising number of people, these decisions weren't made with a ton of thought, people just kind of went along with what was going on at the time. Or like, if you saw He Got Game (a not very good movie that I remember Leo was really disturbed by), he ends up in jail because of a split-second anger reaction where he pushes his wife and she ends up hitting her head and dying. No forethought, just an instantaneous reaction that alters the course of lives forever. I personally believe this kind of stuff happens a lot.

I think that's why the Army repetitively trains people to react in very specific ways. When they're faced with unfamiliar situations, they'll respond as they've been conditioned without thinking about it. Battles hinge upon those instinctive decisions. So they train soldiers to instinctively do the right thing.

Why am I writing this? It's been a really tough week at work. It's not really busy, it's just that I'm at a crossroads where I need to make some fairly important decisions about my future. What's making it hard is that the situation I'm in is an unholy mix where I have to take the initiative for things to happen but also have patience, with a really imminent deadline mixed in. It's starting to take its toll.

And my tendency in pressure-filled important situations like this is to just say screw it; forget doing the stressful work to arrive at the best conclusion. I'll just make a quick decision to get it over with. In other words, All In. I suppose I don't deal with the pressure well and would rather get it over with suboptimally than deal with the process.

I'm trying my hardest to use my poker training and not do that, not make a quick decision just to get it over with, and be patient through it all. But yeah, it's just been a hard week.

And dang, when it rains it pours. Mix in small group stuff, leading worship this week, Jieun's back to school night, going to the Stanford football game this weekend, and general father/husband duties and it's making for a very long week. I totally resonate with what Minho says about there always being stuff to think about and the effect that has. It's just one of those weeks.

In Catholic school we weren't taught that Solomon wrote Ecclesiastes. The author was just referred to as Qoholeth, or The Teacher. There were several reasons why they didn't attribute it to Solomon, including some of the language used, but just from the text itself, it suggests that he had been king over Israel but wasn't any longer, while Solomon was always king. Him being a son of David could just mean a descendant of David.

I spent the latter part of the evening listening to Britney Spears. And liking it. I dunno, I think a part of me is a Britney apologist. Yes, I still kind of think she's an anti-Christ, but when I listen to her music I feel really sorry for her. Songs like I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman (which I've already written about way too much) and Lucky rings with a melancholic truth on a level I'm not sure she even realizes, which makes it even sadder.

Even if she is white trash, I don't think she's deserving of the level of disdain we pour out on her. She is what she is; why all the hate? It's not her fault if she's unintelligent and/or unrefined. I think we should just lay off a bit.

As opposed to say, Jude Law. Did I mention how he was at my cousin's restaurant while we were eating there? Wearing a sleeveless-T and tight slacks, the type of outfit you can only pull off if you're European or gay (or both). I was simultaneously excited to see him there and sick to my stomach at my excitement. Why does celebrity do that to me? Britney might be trash, but this guy's a slimeball, the type of man I literally pray I never become. And yet I found myself wanting to catch a glimpse of him. Ugh.

This guy's crazy. He climbs a 400 foot rock without ropes or a harness, in 4 minutes. I nearly peed my pants just watching it. Absolutely insane.

How can I deny Arthur. Honestly though, this is probably the worst survey I've ever filled out, and that's saying something.

1. Grab the book nearest you, turn to page 18, line 4?
"valid anytime" (a coupon to buy one entree get one free at Mio Vicino)

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you touch?
Empty root beer bottle, Sony MDR-7506 headphones, Canon SD300 camera, Hearos ear plugs, guitar string winder/cutter, Arctic Silver 3 Thermal Compound applicator, Bicentennial quarter given to me by my gomohalmoni, Entertainment book, computer speakers, Southwest Drink Coupons.

3. What's the last thing you watched on TV?
A bit of Everybody Loves Raymond that Jieun was watching.

4. Without looking, what time is it?
11 PM.

5. What time is it actually?
11:03 PM.

6. Except for the computer what can you hear?
Jieun typing, the baby monitor.

7. When did you last step outside and what were you doing?
I took out the trash about 10 minutes ago.

8. Before you started this survey what were you doing?
Packing up a shipment of Robotech DVDs I sold on EBay. I'm bitter at whoever released the DVDs, by the way. I don't know if you ever saw that rant on David Letterman where this random black guy talks about anime topics, but he has one where he rants about how they released all these Robotech DVDs, then they released them again in a cleaned up, remastered version so fans were forced to buy it twice. I totally relate to that rant - I wasted tons of money. That's George Lucas-esque evil. Even worse, they later released a complete remastered DVD set after releasing the remastered DVDs individually, which cost less also, so I wasted money twice.

Anyway, the old DVDs are just taking up space so I sold them at a huge loss, but whatever, time to get rid of them. Once upon a time, I used to be a packrat, saving everything. Now I like getting rid of everything I can.

9. What are you wearing?
An undershirt (the John Yo0n special), Gap jeans. No socks.

10. Did you dream last night?
Nope. But I have been having vivid dreams in general lately.

11. When did you last laugh?
Last night watching the Borat movie trailers. Crude, but hilarious.

12. What's on the walls in the room you're in?
The only things on the walls in our office are two separate calendars. We're not much for decorating.

13. Seen anything weird?
A baby being born is the strangest thing I think I'll ever see.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
Perhaps the worst quiz I've ever filled out. It gives absolutely no insight into the person filling it out whatsoever, so it's as tedious to read as it is to fill out. But I'm stubborn like that.

15. Last film or video seen?
Wow, I don't think I've seen a movie, even on DVD, since X-Men 3.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight what's the first thing you'd do?
I really have no idea. Unlike Henry and his Jesus Institute or whatever he called it, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about what I would do with ridiculous amounts of money. I've recently been plotting my life course in a bit more detail, and I'm fairly certain that getting rich won't happen to me even incidentally; my career path doesn't include it, and I don't play the lottery (aside from scratchers on Road Trips).

That said, if I came into money I'd probably buy a new car just to get Jieun's mom off my back.

17. Tell me something I don't know about yourself?
What doesn't Arthur know about me... when I take a dump, I don't drop my pants all the way to my ankles like some guys do, but pull down just enough to give clearance for the critical parts, usually a bit above the knee. I don't like exposing my legs like that, it's chilly, and I don't like the pants touching the gross bathroom floor.

18. If you could change one thing about the world regardless of politics what would it be?
Another lame question. I don't believe world peace is possible, or even necessarily a good thing; justice is more important than peace. I tend to think that the inequitable allocation of resources in the world is also unavoidable; the alternative is just everyone having nothing.

What I really want to change is the way the world thinks, primarily the spread of relativistic thinking. Not that I have real experience, but my gut says it's easier to reach someone who believes there is an absolute truth, even if it's different from what Christianity says, than someone who rejects that. I think that's the biggest roadblock for the gospel. But that might just be what I resonate with.

19. Do you like to dance?
Hate hate hate it. I'm just way too self-conscious to fast dance comfortably. And more structured dancing, like ballroom type stuff, I've already said how I'm scarred by Fred and the Stanford loser ballroom dance mafia. So not a fan of dancing. Maybe that will change though. I used to hate karaoke since I hate how my voice sounds, but now I'm willing to bust it out and don't really care. Maybe I'll learn to let go of my self-consciousness with dancing also.

As a side note, I'm really happy how people are digging Karaoke Revolution. Great party game.

20. What comment would you like to make to George Bush?
Stop cussing.

21. Your first child is a girl what do you name her?
You know kind of how we settled on Abigail? I bought a baby name book and we both decided to look through it and make a list of 5 names we liked, then we'd see how our lists coincided. I never got past half the first page. And it happened to be on Jieun's list. But I'm happy with it - it's a great name with great meaning.

22. Your first child is a boy what do you name him?
I've been trying to push Stone for a long time but I doubt it will happen. I want Maximilian also, but also unsure. I also wanted Joshua for a long time but that's our cousin's name. Willy tells me to go with Reggie, because "no one named Reggie is a bad athlete". We'll probably go with something boring. Like Snake-Eyes.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Absolutely. I'd love for that to happen.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
Enter in to your rest.

25. Five people you want to do this quiz? I tag:
ach, Leo, Eric, Irvo, Niccolo.

Jieun's mom bought us a new vacuum. According to KBB, the vacuum is worth more than my car.

This might sound odd, but I was kind of worried to see Ellie and Matthew in New York. My concern was, now that Abby was around, that maybe I'd feel a weird loyalty or something like that to Abby that causes me to care about her to the exclusion of other kids. You know, before, Ellie was like being a parent by proxy. Now that that's not there, what it would be like?

Happily, I found I felt as much affection for Ellie as ever, although the nature of it is different now. And I find myself strangely protective of Matthew. Weird word to use, but that's the emotion. I kind of want to popularize giving him the nickname Squirmy, since that's exactly what he is, but I don't think my sister likes it. (SN. Have you ever thought about, if you and your friends all had G.I. Joe type callnames, what they would be? Wouldn't that kind of be an interesting exercise?) Anyway, yeah, much love, if not more.

In fact, for me at least, having a kid has made me more affectionate of other kids in general. I've actually picked up the bad habit of kissing babies that aren't my own. It's just so hard to resist. I got the OK from Elbert for Emelia and Ben for Jonah, but I think they think it's kind of odd. Like, Ben said OK, but his face said "OK... wierdo." I should stop.

"Man's character is his fate" - Heraclitus

That's a great quote, right? One I completely jive with and believe. The type of person you are, more than the things you do, determine your ultimate destiny. Hmm, that actually kinda conflicts with the Harry Potter 2 quote I love so much. Oh well.

I decided to read a series on the History of Philosophy, borrowed from the church office. I may be in over my head. First of all, the first book, which only goes up to the Renaissance, is like 1600 pages. I haven't read a book that long since Les Miserables the summer of '95. What's more, the guy sprinkles his prose with Latin, Greek and German with no translation. The reader is expected to be familiar with them. Nevertheless, I'm pressing on. I actually like big projects so we'll see how this turns out.

Lee was saying how he doesn't understand how I have the time or energy to read this kind of heavy stuff. But really, ideas to me are like people to extroverts. I personally can't understand who extroverts have the energy to be with people all the time without being drained. But extroverts gain energy from being with people, so they don't have my paradigm at all. I'm the same way with ideas - reading about and thinking about ideas invigorates me. It makes me feel alive.

Anyway, the book is completely fascinating, the parts I understand at least. Like, he says something interesting in the intro. Some people believe that there are never new ideas, that all ideas are at heart recycled themes, very Ecclesiastes and there's nothing new under the sun. But that can't be true; if you take it to the logical conclusion, the first man must have been the protophilosopher, who came up with every kind of idea that could be. That clearly doesn't make sense, so at some point, someone must have come up with a truly original philosophical thought. So it makes logical sense that it's at least possible that people still come up with truly original ideas even today. That's an interesting idea to me.

What also fascinates me is how math and science change philosophy, even refute philosophic ideas. Like, when we learn calculus, the books frequently mention Zeno's paradoxes. Like, if I'm walking toward a wall, at some point I'll be halfway between my starting point and the wall. Then at some point I'll be halfway between that halfway point and the wall. And so forth - wherever we are, no matter how close to the wall, there is always a point halfway between us and the wall. Therefore, we'll never reach the wall.

What the math books never mention is why he had these paradoxes. He was a follower of a guy who believed that there is only Being, not Becoming. Things are, they cannot come to be, else they would have come from nothing, which is not possible, and if they came from Being, then they already were. Therefore, there is no such thing as Becoming, and he rejected change as being illusion.

The problem with that is that it's not in line with what we see everyday, where we constantly see things changing in front of us. Zeno's paradoxes are meant to show that other world views are no less paradoxical than his own; there are things that don't make sense within those systems.

What's interesting to me is that his paradoxes are refuted by math, which people typically don't think of as having philosophical implications. Calculus shows us that infinite sums can have finite values. And that explains Zeno's paradoxes.

I guess that's only interesting to me. ανιαρός.

I've heard many, many parents say that having children makes you lose brain cells somehow. There may be something to that, because I'm definitely getting dumber. I had this lunch interview last week and the guy was asking me my advisor's name. And for the life of me, I could not remember. You have to understand, this guy is uber-famous in the AI world, a pioneer. Also, his name is such that there's repetition in the first and last name, like Kris Kristofferson, Magnus Magnussen, or Boutros Boutros-Ghali (bonus points if you know who all three of those people are). And still, I could not recall his freaking name. Totally embarrassing.

I'm re-reading Where We Go From Here and am reminded why I loved it the first time I tried to get through it. It's incredibly convicting and challenging, and in my opinion, full of insight on so many different topics. Seriously, reading it makes me want to go out and change the world; I can see why John loved the book so much, and I feel bad that I stole his copy. I was so impassioned by it I think I scared Jieun.

Anyway, it has something to say in a way about gunning that I think is very true. He argues that Satan sets up kingdoms in this world that imprison us, and the goal of Christians is to break through those kingdoms. Each kingdom enforces a certain type of behavior:

Affirmation is a reward, and separation is a punishment for not "acting right." This destructive behavior is found in all cultures. Satan's great lie is that your significance depends solely on your performance. The gnawing fear of rejection -- not only by the family unit but by the kingdom -- creates prison bars far more powerful than steel! Satan has kept his subjects in his control by instilling them with fear.

I just found that passage really interesting. And I think it's true for many of us, especially Asians, definitely myself - I think I've said this explicitly before in the past, that my greatest fear is failure (which to me is mediocrity). And I think implicitly behind that is a fear of being rejected, like by my parents. I need to get over that fear, and overcome Satan's lie. What I accomplish says nothing about what I'm worth.

Man, it's a great book. So much insight; this is just like a throwaway one in the book.

This was referenced on the Freakonomics blog, but you have to see this video; it's a 14 year old (at the time) girl pianist playing this amazing stuff. At 16:40, she starts doing an improvisation based on 5 notes picked at random by (of all people) Goldie Hawn. I almost wept at that part. I'm a little less impressed by the musical structure of the improv, but I just couldn't believe the emotional maturity of the playing coming out of a 14 year old kid.

What's it like to be that good at something? I'm kind of haphazardly working on Rhapsody in Blue (in my opinion, the finest piece of American music ever produced) and it may take the bulk of my lifetime to get to a point where it's even decent. And though it's not easy, it's just scratching the surface of the stuff she's playing. At 14 years old. That's crazy.

Today is Abby's first day in daycare. I'm so sad about it. It's just hard to imagine trusting a stranger to our most precious Abby; it tears me up. And it was a lot easier for us to decide on Jieun going back to work and doing the daycare thing before she was actually born. 5 months seemed a reasonable age back then. Now... I dunno, I still think we're doing the right thing for the family but it's hard. Especially since so few in our community can relate; we're literally the only family in church right now where the mom is working (albeit half time) and the baby is going daycare. Honestly, it kind of makes me feel like we're subpar parents. But whatever.

I actually really enjoyed Young and Cindy's wedding. (SN. Minho has mentioned something like this before about himself, but I realized I use two words inappropriately - "literally" and "actually". Like I'll say, "It's literally raining cats and dogs", that is, use it for emphasis, not correctly. Or I'll say "actually", which kind of has an undertone of surprise or unexpectedness, where there is none. Like, "Actually, two plus two equals four." The latter one is Ted rubbing off on us.) But it was a nice reunion, good to see people, and the homily was perhaps the best wedding homily I've ever heard.

Anne Cr0ssman nee B0nner was at our table, first time we've seen her in like 8 years. The story of how she and Jieun became friends is great, but I'll let Jieun share that.

I have no idea why he keeps doing this, but Henry keeps subscribing me to Esquire. Actually, he never said he did, but the subscription is for "Daniel Squawk Chai", and only Henry is a loser enough to do that. Anyway, it's a completely odd magazine; you get emotional whiplash reading it. Like, this month's issue features these two beautiful, heart-wrenching stories about a nursing home that was destroyed (with many people inside) after Hurricane Katrina, and a story about what's happened to a handful of people after 9/11. I almost cried reading it; I told Bea to read it and she cried too. In between, a story featuring Mary Louise-Parker in her underwear talking about songs that make her want to have sex. Jarring juxtaposition.

Also, the latest issue of Christianity Today features an article with an evangelical who until recently was an advisor and speechwriter to GW Bush. One exchange that caught my attention was a discussion he has on immigration; while he understands why people want strong borders, he says Christians have an obligation to help all people, regardless of their legal status, and that colors how we should approach the issue.

I was really encouraged by that. I happen to lean against what he's saying, but just that fact that he's not a party line Republican, that his faith informs his politics instead of vice-versa, made me happy. I have no idea why some people think being Christian means you have to buy wholesale into the Republican platform. Like why so many evangelicals are skeptical about environmental issues, or why I've heard anti-gun control commentaries on the Christian music station in Houston. That prominent Christian political figures aren't like that made me feel better.

I always want an overarching theme or vision statement to guide my spiritual growth. The problem is, Christianity is too complex to fit a pithy statement like that, so I end up swinging from one theme to another. Nevertheless, it's useful for me so I still do it. Currently, my spiritual life is guided by the following one principle: abide in Him. I really think that's all it comes down to; everything else is just details.

In light of that, I've been trying to get more spiritual influence during the in-between times. Like, I've been doing the elliptical machine more (SN. The first time I ran it was completely disturbing - there's a gauge that measures your heart rate; at a certain rate you're in the fat burning zone, a little higher and your in the cardio zone, and anything above that is just over. I was in the over level on the lowest setting after just 5 minutes, and it did not descend. Egad, I'm out of shape.) so I decided to listen to sermon MP3s while doing it. Mostly Chuck Swindoll and John Piper since they're free. Unfortunately, sermons aren't good workout listening; I need something more so I've taken to reading US Weekly while listening to them. Kind of blasphemous, I know.

Anyway, I've found that I resonate with Chuck Swindoll's preaching more than John Piper's (random SN: both Greg Laurie and Chuck Swindoll are avid Harley-Davidson fans), mostly because it more closely matches my sermon listening philosophy. And that philosophy is, when listening to a sermon, any sermon, find just one thing on which you can change your behavior. Christianity isn't about knowledge, it's about action. In Romans 2, Paul criticizes Jews who take pride in knowing the law; he argues that it has no value because they don't observe the law. Action is what matters; knowledge only matters insomuch as it effects action. Therefore, for me, the ultimate goal is not to understand better but to act better.

So my goal when listening to a sermon is to find just one thing on which I can change my behavior, even if that one thing is just worshiping or praying differently. No more than one thing because otherwise it's more likely I won't do anything. I'm all about sustainability. Every journey begins with single step; changing your life takes many little sustained steps along the way. So I try and find that one thing I can sustain that will push me along life change.

I've found that Swindoll makes it easier to do that. He's not as heavy as John Piper, but he signposts his sermons well, is easier to listen to, and he makes that one thing really easy to hold on to. Like, he had one sermon on Eli and his sons (SN. I know the NT says that how a man runs his household is an important measure, but both Eli and Samuel's kids were fairly screwed up, and they both led Israel, in Samuel's case very well. So what does that say?) and his theme was "erosion". Families and relationships don't just suddenly go bad; they erode through time. He must have said erosion a hundred times during the sermon. But I'll be darned if it didn't stick, and now I'm more vigilant in watching for those little things that might erode my relationships with my family and other people. My life is changed.

Anyway, those are my spiritual philosophies at the moment: Abide In Him and Just One Thing. Who cares? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I'm exceedingly sad that we won't be able to go to the retreat, since I'd been wanting us to have one for so long. Oh well. Next time, I guess.

For no particular reason, I added stuff to the right sidebar of this page. One, a link that takes you to a random entry. The sad truth is, we (OK, maybe not all of us, but most people I know) find ourselves more interesting and funny than other people do. I'm the same; I'm actually very entertained by randomly reading old stuff that I myself have written. Kind of sad, but whatever.

Also added a module by which you can IM me through the web page, without having to log in to anything. Why? Why not.

Abby definitely goes through emotional stages: talkative, reserved, smiley, fussy. Last weekend she was in a smiley / laughing stage, hence our most recent pics and (poorly lit) videos; the first capturing her laughs.

People say being a parent helps them understand God's love more, and I'm sure that's true, but my insights have been more pedestrian - it's helped me understand my own parents' love more. My parents were in town last week for a couple days, the first time I've seen them since Abby was born, and I literally looked at them in a whole new light. Just, somehow I realized that they loved me as much as I love Abby, and that kind of blew me away, made me feel... well... ashamed.

I've always appreciated my parents, but there have always been little things about them, things I wished they had done differently, choices they made, ways they treated me. But now, I mean, I've not so much hubris to think I love Abby more than they loved me, and to know the depth of that love from the other side, wow, I just feel like an unappreciative twit.

So seeing them was an interesting experience. I literally see them differently now, and it's caused me to have a lot more appreciation for them.

One more note about Robotech, the Macross saga. The story is really a soap opera with aliens, robots and violence. In fact, in a lot of ways it's a Korean drama: it has a primary love triangle and two secondary ones - a love triangle triangle. It even flirts with incestous themes, another weirdo K-drama thing. It actually makes me want to watch a K-drama. I mentioned this to Arthur and he said, "Jieun wins."

I spent Saturday afternoon watching the Kim boys and it reminded me again why I love California. Just a perfect day spent at the park. We all complained about the heat wave a while back, but only because it was so unusual. Many of us don't have AC because we almost never need it. Since then, it's pretty much been perfect low to mid-80s. I love California.

It made me happy also because while we watched an episode of Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends and played a little retro Atari, they got bored pretty quickly and had a lot more fun at the park. Kids are meant to run around outside during the summer. Says the guy who spent his childhood summers watching 10 hours of TV a day. But yeah, it was nice that they liked being outside, and nice for me to be outside myself.

I had a great time because I love watching kids play, it just fascinates me. I have big problems with too much freedom; I need structure for my time. Like, when we have going away get-togethers for people and there's no structure to it, I get exceedingly uncomfortable. Or any formal group gathering, for that matter. I want some sort of direction or structure to the time, it's just how I am.

Kids aren't like that - they can just play, and that fascinates me and makes me jealous. They have an endless capacity for amusement and creativity. I miss that. We spent quite a bit of time on the playground traveling through space and encountering aliens, then quickly morphed into a ship with sharks. S played on the swings for about 45 minutes straight while B urgently moved sand from one area to another. I've lost a great deal of my creative spirit through the years, so to experience that vicariously through kids is refreshing.

I think also that my instincts with boys are a lot more developed than with girls. I feel like with boys, the stuff you have to deal with, like boundaries, responsibility, consequence, are largely physical, which to me is relatively straightforward. Maybe I'm wrong about this. But with girls, it seems like the same types of issues are more emotional, which is more cryptic to me. We'll see what happens with Abby, but yeah, I think my track record is a lot better with boys than girls. It's ridiculous the number of girls at chuch I've made cry.

Yogurt alert: the whole milk Brown Cow yogurt is currently $0.75 at Whole Foods. $0.75! That's a great deal for people who appreciate rich, good yogurt. I bought 15.

Jieun and I have been watching the remastered Robotech DVDs. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I've said this countless times, but Robotech was an important influence on me in my childhood. However, I haven't actually watched the series straight in a long time, and watching now I'm reminded of why it resonated so strongly with me. Apart from the obvious attraction of transforming robots.

For one, I see clearly now that I've always wanted to be Maximilian Sterling. Self-effacing, kind of a nerdy, glasses wearing guy, doesn't like being in the forefront, but is the ultimate wingman. That's pretty much my ideal role in everything, what I've wanted to be. Plus his wife is hot, just like mine. Woo.

I'm also remembering how compelling the Rick-Minmei-Lisa love triangle was to me as a kid. Thing is, I didn't identify with Rick - I identified with Lisa. Not that I was ever involved in any love triangle, but I resonated with the spirit of her character, the sensible, capable, but kind of boring one always being overlooked in favor of the charismatic, attractive, but empty one. I still resonate with her character in a lot of ways.

Anyway, yeah, it makes me exceedingly happy that Jieun is watching it and understanding a part of my childhood. And it's sticking too. We went to Costco and got these enormous bottles of juice and Jieun says, "who is this for, Zentraedi?" That pretty much made my day.

One thing I've learned, from talking to my dad and other pastors through the years, is that preachers *always* know when people are sleeping during the sermon. You will never get away with it.

A somewhat related corollary - older siblings always know when younger siblings have been messing with their stuff. I think younger siblings sometimes think they're clever, getting into their older siblings' stuff and taking/reading/eating whatever without them knowing. Take my word for it; just because we don't say anything doesn't mean we don't know. We always do.

Pastor Mike made a comment today in his sermon on Joseph, how he's both good looking and well built, which, while most people consider desirable, can be dangerous on a moral level. Specifically, they cause people like Potiphar's wife to tempt him into sin.

I actually think about stuff like this a lot, personal attributes that nearly everyone want, which are actually a hindrance morally or spiritually.

For example, good taste. Whether it's good taste in food, clothes, music, movies, or whatever, everyone wants to have good taste, but is there anything spiritually good about it? I honestly want to know. As I see it, only bad can come out of it. You don't get more personal enjoyment from it: you're harder to please, less satisfied in general by those things for which you have taste, and it takes more effort or resources to satisfy your tastes. And the constant temptation of good taste is to look down on others who don't share that taste. It's a battle to have good taste and not turn into a snob. And none of that is good. So spiritually speaking, what good is good taste? It seems to me in many ways a curse.

I was reminded of this at Connie and Marshall's 3rd wedding. I'm not saying I have the best musical taste in the world, but I am fairly discerning and have strong opinions about music. I was struck by the wedding because I fully agreed with the pianist's playing (except for 2 chord choices in the second worship song). But I could not remember the last time I was completely satisfied by the piano playing at a wedding I attended (including my own playing). That made me sad. My discernment brings me less satisfaction and makes me look down on people, which sucks. It's a curse.

I suppose the sweet spot is to have discernment that allows one to bless others and still not look down on others who don't have that. It's just hard is all. Fortunately, outside of certain foods and music (and some people would question even that) I have very little good taste. And I'm thinking maybe that's a good thing morally. So like with Abby, I'm just wondering, why should we cultivate good taste in her? What benefit does that do to her character? Maybe it's better for her soul if she never develops refined tastes in things. We'll see how that goes over when she comes home from school crying because the kids made fun of how daddy dressed her like an engineer.

So yeah, anyway, I think a lot about things we covet, like looks and talents, and the effect they have on our moral character. I do believe that it is more difficult for extremely beautiful people to have strong moral character. Obviously, like Joseph, many of them do; I'm just think it's harder. To make a huge generality with many exceptions, while growing up I always felt that the good-looking / popular kids tended to have lower standards of morality. So for a long time, I preferred hanging out with "losers", the unpopular crowd (not that I had much choice), and honest to God, the reason was I believed that they had higher moral character.

Then I realized that I was wrong; they didn't mess around not because of their character, but simply because they lacked opportunity. Like, I didn't attend, but I've heard that those CTY camps for "talented" high-schoolers were basically sex camps for nerds. If they have the opportunity, they're just as base as the popular kids.

But still, whether by choice or circumstance, it's better not to compromise morally. So this might be odd, but I've always wanted my kids to not be too good looking. My ideal is that they be like Jieun, who was somewhat of an ugly duckling. I'm not saying that's the reason she turned out to be the woman of character she is, but I think it helped. And since I care much more about my childrens' character than anything else, I kind of don't want them to be too attractive as kids. Because it does affect them.

I guess there's a kind of balance to it. I think it's kind of like with what Proverbs 30:8-9 has to say about money. Too much money, and we may disown God. Too little, and we may steal and dishonor God. I kind of think other things like looks are the same way: too much and we are more inclined or tempted to compromise, too little and we become too bitter.

Anyway, I think about stuff like this all the time. How will I raise children of character? What kinds of stuff influences their character? It matters a lot to me. I just hope in the meantime I'm not too much a hypocrite and that they don't hate me.

One interesting thing I realized on this trip is that Abby is truly my daughter. My sister's kids are fairly outgoing and gregarious; they'll play with and be held by (more or less) lots of people. Abby's not like that at all - she's an introvert, just like me. Put her in a big group and she'll basically not want to be held by anyone. But put her in a situation with like me, Jieun, and one other person, and she's happy and interactive. The contrast between how she acted with lots of people around and when we retreated to our hotel room was striking.

And that's fine with me. I hate being the center of attention, love being in the periphery, so I naturally extend that desire to her as well. Jieun, in contrast, is a ham, so maybe she's sad about it, but what can you do. I actually apply this to conversation as well. I love her to death, and will talk about her with pleasure when asked, but I don't like dominating conversations with other people about her. Again, this stands in contrast to Jieun, whose phone convos with certain mother friends are apparently battles where each side tries to talk about their own child(ren) more.

I also realized that she's a giantess. You don't realize that when you just see her by herself, and I guess there are no babies at church of comparable age, but yeah, put her next to other kids and it's shocking.

At a little past 3 PM, we leave the Museum of Television and Radio (we watched an old episode of SNL (Lorne Michaels left the show for a few seasons and he shows nearly no clips from the seasons he was gone, which featured like Billy Crystal, Martin Short and Christopher Guest, so I wanted to see what those shows were like) and the pilot episode of Growing Pains at Jieun's request) to walk to our hotel. On the way we realize we left a bottle of milk in the fridge in the room when we checked out.

You have to understand that milk is like gold - it takes so much work and effort to produce that it's a true treasure. We value every drop. Definitely not something you just casually throw away. So anyway, once we realize that, Jieun runs on ahead, getting run over by a bike in the process. I get to the hotel at a little after 3:30, but to make a long story short, the hotel takes forever to find out what happened to the fridge and to get bandages and wipes for Jieun's cuts, having to go through the "proper" procedures, and we don't end up leaving until 4:15 for a 5:30 flight at JFK. Not good times. And we aren't even able to find the bottle.

We end up taking a limo car (not really a limo but a Lincoln Navigator) since the cost going into JFK is comparable to a taxi and, since it's a flat rate, there's more incentive to get us there fast. Get to the airport at 5:00, but they close check-ins 45 minutes prior (4:45) so we don't make it on the flight. After waiting in line for an hour (one ticket agent serving all domestic flights. Curse you, American Airlines JFK) we construct a plan to fly standby to LAX then take a flight out the next morning at 8:00 to SJC. We send our bags straight to SJC, taking out what we need for the night.

The ticket agent claims we have a strong chance of getting on the 7:00 flight to LAX, but it's full and we don't make it on. We do get on the next one at 8:45, which arrives in LAX past midnight. Oddly, both flights we're standing by for have medical emergencies that delay departure. The flight to New York was great - there was an empty seat so we could bring the carseat on. No such luck coming back. With much effort, Jieun gets Abby to fall asleep on her lap, after which she walks funny from her leg being completely numb. Jieun's words: "we are never flying to New York again."

Giwoong picks us up from LAX. As we're walking to the car, I hear someone yell my Korean name - Sunil-shi! I turn around and see the Kims - Daniel and Risa's parents - driving through the parking lot. I'm so shocked to see them (I thought they lived in Austin) that I leave Abby's stroller in the middle of a lane to go to their car; meanwhile Giwoong's car alarm goes off and he can't stop it, and Jieun's wondering who these random people are. Chaotic moment.

Anyway, alls well that ends well. The Kims get to meet Abby, Jieun's family also gets a quick moment with her, and we end up flying into San Jose so Penny doesn't have to drive so far to pick us up. Exhausting though.

And that was how the Chai family got home from New York. Alesage.

Not that anyone cares, but I've been spending much more time on Yahoo Messenger than AIM nowadays. It's just more convenient.

Here's a question I have about infant baptism. I was raised a Southern Baptist, everyone knows where I stand. But whatever, infant baptism people feel their stance is Scriptural, and that's fine. What I don't get is, if they really believe that infant baptism is well grounded in Scripture, how come so many of them feel the need to have something like confirmation, which is (as far as I ignorantly know) extra-Scriptural? What's the need for something formal like that if infant baptism is so Scripturally sound?

I'm by no means saying it's wrong, I'm just saying I don't get it. I've frequently heard Scriptural justification for infant baptism. I'm just not sure I've ever heard Scriptural basis for confirmation. But like I said, I'm just an ignorant dunker.

We read a ton of baby / child rearing books. Probably a dozen by now, and she's not even half a year old yet. Because, you know, knowledge is power. Learning is half the battle. Yo Joe.

The problem with all these baby books is that they give conflicting advice, so you have no idea who's right. Some of them are almost violent in their disagreement. Like you should read how Babywise talks about La Leche League - it uses language normally reserved for the likes of Slobodan Milosovic and Pol Pot. It's almost comical.

Veronica Mars may be my favorite drama on television nowadays. Sadly, no one watches it and consequently, no one will read this entry. Alias ended with a demoralizing whimper, 24 is good but just a bit too ridiculous and contrived, Lost is... well... lost, last couple seasons of Sopranos have been boring. So yeah, my favorite drama.

It's not a perfect show. Outside of Veronica and her dad, the acting isn't that great. And the second season wasn't as good as the first, which I thought had a lot of insight into high school life and life in general. But it's a great show.

There are 3 things I especially like about it.

One, there's a variation in the tone. Meaning, it switches from comedic to dramatic to violent to mundane. Some people might be turned off by it, find it distracting or inconsistent. But I dunno, I jive with it. It's very Korean/HK movie-esque, and I find that interesting. Plus, that's more true to life.

Two, the stories are tight. Every story detail ends up being significant in the end. As opposed to say, Lost, where they constantly throw out random connections but they don't meaningfully come together. Or The West Wing (we've watched the first 6 seasons over the course of this calendar year. Exhausting), which has great but kind of sloppy writing. Meaning, they constantly set up and then just drop storylines. Like one season ends with Sam being photographed with a call girl. What happens to that setup? Nothing. They just make an oblique reference to it later. And that happens frequently on The West Wing, stories are set up then dropped. With Veronica Mars, everything is really tight. I like that.

SN. What was up with the Alias guy's subplot with his dead wife's murderer? Totally random, added nothing to the story, and distracted from the main plot. Seriously, every aspect of how the show ended depressed me. But anyway.

Three, I like the little commentaries Veronica Mars has on life. One interesting subplot of season two was the proposed incorporation of Neptune, which would essentially separate the haves from the have-nots. They have an interesting discussion where they talk about another place where that happened: Palo Alto. According to the show, after the incorporation of Palo Alto, property values in the incorporated city skyrocketed, while the unincorporated part became one of the worst crime areas in the country. The show's pretty strong against the incorporation idea, so it's somewhat a condemnation of Palo Alto. I actually have no idea if the incorporation story is true, but it's interesting nonetheless.

What other shows have social commentary like this, as brief as it is? None I can think of. Good stuff.

I also like high school shows because I can't relate to it at all and I feel like I learn something. As you may or may not know, I went to an all-male high school. The only girls I really knew were from church, and they were nice and all but had little to no appeal to me, so that whole high school raging hormones pining after people thing, I pretty much completely skipped. That's a pretty significant life experience to not have, you know? So yeah, I find that interesting.

On a related subject, I wrote before how I thought Jack Bauer was amoral, guided solely by utilitarianism. I'm taking that back now. I have no clue what his morality is; whatever it is, it's completely inconsistent. At times he's completely willing to sacrifice one or a few lives to save many others. "Millions of people will die" he says. Then at other times, he's not willing to sacrifice a few people when it could save many more people, like in the mall. Then at the extreme, he'll risk millions of lives to save a single family member or friend. You can't reconcile it at all. Completely inconsistent.

Oringbay.

I'm not a contrarian by nature. You know, some people have a natural aversion to things that are popular. If the masses like it, they're inclined to be against it. I'm not like that; I like to think I form my opinions independently of anything. I love (still) Titanic. Don't like Friends.

All that just to say that I liked but didn't love Blue Like Jazz and I've been trying to figure out why, since it seems like everyone else I know loved it more than life. I thought it was good and had bits of insight, but it didn't blow me away. Maybe it was just overhyped in my mind? I kept waiting for it to change my life and it didn't, so maybe I just set myself up to be disappointed. I don't know.

That said, I do think it was a very good book. One part that really struck me was his discussion about the power of metaphor. He goes to a lecture by a Westmont professor who's talking about how metaphor frames our thinking and actions. He asks the crowd to yell out words they associate with cancer. They come up with words like "battle", "fight", etc. - all words related to war. That's how we frame treating cancer - as a war. And he thinks that might not be appropriate. For one, many times cancer is not so deadly as to require that type of thinking, and it might cause unnecessary despair. And some people might not be able to deal with that type of war mentality, and just give up the "fight", which is detrimental, because the outlook one has makes a huge difference in the outcome.

I agree with that. Around the time my mom was diagnosed with cancer, two other women from our church around the same age were diagnosed with the same cancer, but my mom was the only one that survived. I always felt vaguely guilty about that, that I got to keep my mother when they didn't. Anyway, yeah, I think the outlook makes a huge difference in the outcome.

What really hit me though was his discussion on the words we use for relationships and love. The audience used words like "investing" and "value", words that deal with investment and finance. I thought there was real insight there. That is how we view relationships and love - we give to make a return, and give most where we think we can make a good return. At least I do. I form relationships to get people to go to church, or to get something out of the relationship myself, or something like that. Even if I don't use the word explicitly, I think of relationships as something I invest in because there's value I (or God) will get out of it.

I dunno, I was challenged by that a lot, because that's not the Biblical model of love and relationships. It's not an investment, it's a pouring out, with little consideration of return. So I think that's how I want to frame things in my mind now - a pouring out, not an investment.

Anyway, on Sunday after church we were at McDonald's and this random, probably slightly crazy guy butted in on our conversation in such a way that we couldn't extract ourselves out of it. He just injected himself into it and would not stop talking. Which is annoying enough, because we're just being talked at and have no way of escaping. Most annoyingly, he talked supremely confidently and inaccurately about two subjects I know a decent amount about - Christianity and the Internet. That's my pet peeve, the combination of ignorance and arrogance. Drives me nutters.

And the whole time, I was thinking about Blue Like Jazz, and what it means to love this person. I was torn and even now am not sure. I knew for sure we weren't going to form a lasting relationship, and apparently he already went to church so it wasn't an outreach opportunity, but I kept thinking, I need to love not to get something from it, but just to love; that's what Jesus would do. But practically speaking, I didn't know what love was in this situation. At a bare minimum, I tried my very hardest to not seem visibly annoyed. And actually, that worked out well; even internally I wasn't that annoyed at him. And even though he would not stop talking, I didn't try to cut him off. Was that enough? I don't know.

Jieun is actually better at this - she didn't just listen but actually engaged him. In her mind, he's just a lonely old man who wants to talk to someone, and she has no problem doing that without getting enraged at his ignorance. Well, one qualm - in general it's not good for women to engage strange men, but she was with us. However, she thinks men (in particular me) have more license to engage other weird men so she thinks I should have done it more. Maybe I should have.

Anyway, I've been thinking about that a lot.

It is wayyyy too Hive Five of Teenager, as Paul would say. Saturday I came very near to giving up. I don't even know what that means. But if the Lord decided to take me, I would not have minded at all; it's that hot. And it reminds me again why I don't live in Houston. There, it's this hot all the time. That's just no way to live.

After church today, Stewart went up to the front, stood behind the music stand, and said "Welcome everybody to Baylight Church." I nearly died. We also asked him about his swimming lessons, and someone asked if he ever pees in the pool. "I *never* pee in the pool," he responded. "But sometimes I fart." Hifreakinglarious.

Eddie remarked the other day how Abby is so cute, he doesn't know how I can stand it. The answer is, I don't. Quite literally; I'm frequently forced to sit or lie down. Unbearable cuteness.

Anyway, I think I'm a scientist at heart, and I've been doing little experiments with her as she develops. Nothing big, just little curiosity experiments. For example, every time I feel a yawn coming on and she's around, I try to yawn in front of her. Just to see if, you know, yawns are contagious for infants. I've done it dozens of times now and it's never once made her yawn, so I guess it's not. I plan to keep it up to see when it kicks in. Don't you ever wonder stuff like this? I do.

I've also been experimenting with her vision. As I believe I've mentioned, depending on her mood she does imitative smiling. I experiment a bit to see from how far away she'll recognize a smile and mirror it. She's out to at least 8 feet now. That's pretty good.

The other weird thing I noticed is that when she started making "g" sounds, like "guh" and "gah", she could make them without opening her mouth. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out how she did that. You try it; it's impossible. But she'd do it all the time. I guess babies start making sounds in different ways than adults do. It's pretty weird.

The NIV has a footnote for Joshua 2:1 (and anywhere else they mention Rahab), where it says "So they went and entered the house of a prostitute* named Rahab and stayed there." The footnote? * - Or possibly an innkeeper.

Crikey. Isn't that kind of a critical distinction? Prostitute vs. housekeeper? If the alternative translation is true, we've been maligning Rahab for millenia. Egads. Not that my name will ever be recorded anywhere, but I'd hate for that kind of mistake to be made about me. "They befriended a crack dealer* named Danny." (* - Or possibly programmer.)

Here's another thing with women. Literally every single woman I know wants two things from their men: to be led, and to be pursued. See, that confuses me. Because at least superficially, that seems oxymoronic. How can men simultaneously lead and pursue?

But every woman also insists that it's not contradictory, and I don't really think it is, I just find the superficial disparity interesting. You know what I really think. I think women want men to lead them where the women want them to go. Take the initiative to do everything they want and they'll be happy. Because as much as they want to be led, it's not just an open invitation to lead; the leading itself isn't enough. I've tried leading Jieun to Robotech, live sporting events, Elliott Smith and a host of other things, and boy did that not work.

I know it makes no sense, but I mean, don't you think there's at least a tinge of resemblance between the cousins?

Last night Abby cried for 2 hours before she slept, until we figured out the buttons on the back of her outfit were bothering her. After we realized that I felt like a heaping pile of crapola. She suffered and couldn't sleep for hours and stupid dad couldn't figure out why. My poor daughter.

I'm positive everyone's getting tired of my spiritual insights in everyday life but whatever, this is my blog so alt-left if you want. (SN. I just recently learned that you can shut down Windows by pressing the Windows button, then 'U', then 'U' again. 3 quick keystrokes to shut down. Changed my life.)

So as you may or may not know, I'm a huge Boglehead, a fan of John Bogle, the founder of Vanguard. Love nearly everything he has to say. I consider him a financial prophet, if there is such a thing. It's not just that he has such insight and speaks such truth. It's that he frequently peppers his speeches with Biblical references so that I'm reasonably certain he's a Christian. I think Norm was wondering about how Christianity fits in with financial services. Well, I think John Bogle is the model. Work for the benefit of individual investors, and in the ways you can, exert Christian influence in your world.

Our first date since Abby was born - to celebrate our 4th anniversary - was a romantic evening spent watching X-Men 3. No dinner, else we would have had to stay out too late. Such is life with an infant.

We both liked the movie a lot, surprisingly. I didn't have much faith in Brett Ratner, and it wasn't as thought provoking as the first two movies, but it was entertaining. I was actually a pretty big Marvel geek growing up. I read Uncanny X-Men, X-Factor, Excalibur, some New Mutants, so for a while I was fairly well versed in the mutant world. Bought my comics from Comics Pendragon on Branham, or online at Mile High Comics or New England Comics, where I also got my acid free plastic covers and cardboard backings. You remember that Simpsons episode where they get Radioactive Man #1 and they sterilize tweezers before turning every page? That's pretty much how I was like. Uh, no clue why I'm writing this. Just to say that I'm one of those dorks that looks for random mutants in the credits. Psylocke was in the movie! Cool! No one cares!

Jieun loved the movie because she thought it was about race issues, her favorite issue in the world, and our conversation topic for the rest of the evening. Magnified by what we saw at Verde - a group of middle-aged Caucasians sitting at a table right in the center of the place, surrounded by a sea of Asians. I was stunned to see them. So much so I wanted to take a picture. It was that jarring to see 40-something Caucasians having bubble tea in the midst of a sea of Asians. And I'm pretty sure a couple of them were having the taro tea. Just bold all around.

Anyway, regarding race, Jieun was saying how she asked a coworker if she was Dutch and she said, no, she's Danish. We were talking about that, because Jieun wasn't sure what the differences were - which were languages, which were ethnicities. I was pretty sure ethnicity wise, Danish meant from Denmark and Dutch from the Netherlands. Jieun thought the Netherlands was a group of countries. I was pretty sure the Netherlands meant a single country. But when I thought about it, I wasn't sure the difference between the Netherlands and Holland. Are they the same? When I think of the Netherlands, I think of tulips and seawalls. When I think of Holland, I think of windmills. Why would I think of those separately?

As it turns out, Holland is technically a region in the Netherlands, but is frequently used to mean all of the Netherlands. The people of the Netherlands are Dutch. Yes, I'm ignorant.

My point is, even educated people are ignorant about some ethnic/race issues. There's a famous story of someone I won't name, but he's a twin living in NYC, where he had dinner with a couple friends, one from Uganda and one from Nigeria. During the course of the meal it came out that he thought Uganda was the capital of Nigeria. Whoops. They were appalled and proceeded to share all the stereotypes of Ugandans vs. Nigerians.

OK, so most of us probably know Uganda and Nigeria are separate countries. But how many of us know the stereotypes of each? We're all ignorant about something, so I say, let's educate each other, but cut each other some slack also. So like, I'm not that bothered when people talking about Japan reference Kung-Fu. Or when people ask me if I'm North or South Korean. Let's educate, but not freak out about it. We're all ignorant about something.

I spent much of the morning reading Dave's old thoughts. Good reading. Reminded me of why it was my favorite page back in the day. Not just mine. It was actually Joe's browser's default page for a while. Absurd.

So I've been mildly depressed for the past couple of days for the most ridiculous of reasons - the very last Rurouni Kenshin manga came out. I get sad when something I'm emotionally invested in ends. Like after I read the last Robotech book in Junior High (End Of The Circle, not the crappy fill-in books that came out after) I think I was down for a month. The feeling that something you love is all over gets to me.

Anyway, everyone else I know that was into Kenshin moved on long ago but I've kept on reading the monthly manga releases. And Kenshin is one of the greatest stories ever. Highly recommended. And I actually think it's a source of spiritual encouragement, with what it has to say about purpose, sacrifice, and discipleship. Especially discipleship. And in the last story arc especially, there were multiple times when I thought, John absolutely has to read this. It's like his discipleship dream come true. Anyway, I highly recommend it.

Hanah mentioned to me how I seem to be finding a lot of spiritual lessons in different things recently. I think I agree with that. It's mildly related to one of my biggest life influences, Rich Mullins. But he was of the opinion the spiritual is in the practical everyday. Here's a quote I love from him:

A lot of times we think something spiritual is happening and it is merely aesthetics. That is why it always bugs me at the end of a concert someone will say, "Wow the Spirit really worked" and I kind of go, "How would you even be able to know that? It was so noisy in here tonight. How would you know if the Spirit was working?" "Well, I was really moved." Well, that is an emotional thing. That's not a spiritual thing. A spiritual thing is folding your clothes at the end of the day. A spiritual thing is making your bed. A spiritual thing is taking cookies to your neighbor that is shut in or raking their front lawn because they are too old to do it. That's spirituality. Getting a warm, oozy feeling about God is an emotional thing. There is nothing wrong with it. I think there is nothing more practical than real spirituality. But nothing more fun than just a good heartfelt emotional experience of God because I think emotions are good. They are only dangerous when we come away from an experience where we were emotionally manipulated and we confuse that with being convicted. I think conviction - there is an emotion that accompanies that but it certainly goes deeper than just coming away going, "Oh isn't God neat? Two different worlds.

So yeah, I'm very much of the opinion that spirituality is a part of the practical day to day, not something that just happens on Sundays or during quiet times. And that there is spiritual insight to be gleaned from all parts of your life. Don't get me wrong - the best sources of spiritual insight are still the obvious ones: Scripture, prayer, Biblical teaching and preaching, Christian community. But I dunno, I do think there's secondary spiritual insight to be gained all over, when filtered through the Word.

I still can't figure out who Abby looks like. I suppose my side of the family, but personally, I don't think she looks like me. Some people think she looks like my sister, which doesn't make sense since we don't look alike. Then again, people also say there's resemblance between me and my cousin Peter, which makes zero sense since he looks like his mom, me like my dad, and it's the other parents that are related. I guess resemblance is weird like that. That or all Koreans look alike. I do think at times there's vague resemblance to Ellie.

Anyway, now that she's almost over her first cold, she's smiling a lot more again, and it's crazy how happy that makes me. It makes my life. I'm not even joking. If I feel sad, I think about her smiling and it picks me up. Good times.

Anyway, some vids. First of Abby smiling at Daddy. Bad lighting and angle, but I had to hold it to the side so she wouldn't look at it.

I find it hard to believe that my fumbling entry somehow inspired Bobby's eloquent and profound one from June 22. I guess the Holy Spirit can use anything.

A while back I came across this quote by John Piper in the D.A. Carson book. D.A. Carson quoting John Piper - talk about a quotation having some weight.

The greatest enemy of hunger for God is not poison but apple pie. It is not the banquest of the wicked that dulls our appetite for heaven, but endless nibbling at the table of the world. It is not the X-rated video, but the prime-time dribble of triviality we drink in every night. For all the ill that Satan can do, when God describes what keeps us from the banquet table of his love, it is a piece of land, a yoke of oxen, and a wife (Luke 14:18-20). The greatest adversary of love to God is not his enemies but his gifts. And the most deadly appetites are not for the poison of evil, but for the simple pleasures of earth. For when these replace an appetite for God himself, the idolatry is scarcely recognizable, and almost incurable.

Wow. That totally spoke to me. He says it's almost unrecognizable, but I think, in retrospect, I see when it's been true in my life. When my passion for God has waned, it's never been the result of a sudden turning away, a deliberate choosing of something evil. More often, that's the symptom, not the cause. Rather, it's a long series of small choices that lead me there, choosing things that are good, but which cumulatively start to become my treasure. Overvaluing the things or the freedom itself that God gives me.

I've said this before, but I strongly believe that's how Satan works. He's never in your face about it, rather, he masks himself in light. So stuff like Marilyn Manson or Erotica-era Madonna, I don't think that's typical of how Satan works. Rather, it's those things that seem or are in fact good that slowly lead you away from God that are truly Satanic. Like Britney Spears' slide from virgin bubble-gum pop princess to someone who discusses her sex life on national (low-rated) TV. He's much more likely to use something like that than Cannibal Corpse.

Our church is pretty good I think at keeping each other in line regarding big, obvious sins. What I wonder is if there's some way we can encourage each other in those endless little choices along the way that can dull our passion for God. Ask not just whether the things we do or value are good, or whether we have freedom to do things - because that's only part of the issue - but whether collectively, they're best. Unfortunately, I have no idea what that would look like.

This may sound terrible, but my prayer nowadays is that Abby may not interfere with my passion for God. I look at her, and see what a good and wonderful gift from God she is. But even children can be an idol. So yeah, I want to love her with all my heart (which at this point isn't that hard since she's so frickin cute. I mean, seriously. Ridiculous) but do it in a manner that honors God. We'll see what that looks like.

We got to play some Dr. Mario 64 this weekend, which was a lot of fun. Minho's still talking about his sweep the last game, but ask him the overall record that night and what levels we were playing. Scoreboard.

Anyway, whenever we play, Jieun and I bust out some phrases that were started mostly by Dave when we used to play together. For example, when people start off playing Dr. Mario, they usually do poorly, because it's a totally different paradigm from Tetris and Puzzle Fighter. But once they make that mental breakthrough, they make rapid progress. And when this happens, we say "he is beginning to learn at a geometric rate" in a faux Austrian accent, in reference to the line from Terminator 2.

Anyway, we were busting out a couple other classic phrases and I was reminded of the spiritual significance of Dr. Mario. I'm not joking. One big mistake beginners make is not realizing that the point of the game is to clear the viruses - they just endlessly clear blocks as if they're playing Tetris. But it's not Tetris - there's a purpose, a goal, and an end. You're not just supposed to play until you die, you're supposed to finish something. So when people were just clearing blocks without making real progress, Jieun commented on how they were just doing "maintenance ministry". And I chimed in with "without vision, the people perish", a paraphrase of Proverbs 29:18.

I don't think anyone had any idea what we were talking about, but it's true, both in Dr. Mario and in life. You cannot win in Dr. Mario doing maintenance ministry, just managing the blocks that come. You need to make progress in clearing your viruses. And without a vision for how you're going to clear your viruses, you will die.

It had been so long since I've heard the phrase "maintenance ministry" that it made me stop and think. Am I doing maintenance ministry in life? Just managing my spiritual and church responsibilites, not driving towards something, pursuing a vision? I actually think in a lot of ways, I am. And I want that to change. I think I'm pretty good at being faithful with the responsibilities I'm given. I've been reminded again to go beyond that, beyond mere faithfulness, to moving toward something, not just treading water. Vision. No more maintenance ministry. Otherwise, I think it's a slow slide towards spiritual lethargy.

So thank you Dr. Mario for that spiritual insight.

Sorry, I don't think I'm going to be supporting the henryhsu and classic skins for a while. Maybe I'll get to it eventually, but it's way down on my list of priorities. In the meantime I've added recent comments and recent pics to the blog sidebar. No one cares.

For no particular reason, I decided to merge my old thoughts entries with the current format in MySQL. 3 readers understand what that means. Of those 3, zero care. In any case, that's why the archive menu is (at the moment) ridiculously long. And it gives me a bit more flexibility. For example, I now know the total number of blog entries I've written since I started in 1995: 3165. Egads. That's simultaneously impressive, depressing, and disturbing. Get a life, me.

I doubt anyone but Henry will read this, if even him, so it's easier to just address him directly instead of explaining everything. I'm not sure you understand the net neutrality thing. I'm not sure I do either, but I think you understand even less than me, because your whole entry on the subject has pretty much nothing to do with it. People having varying levels of bandwidth usage? Price schemes? Huh?

In college, I took a few linguistics classes, one of which involved pragmatics. What is pragmatics, you ask. Good question. In linguistics, you have syntax, which deals with the structure of language. Then you have semantics, which deals with the meaning of language. Pragmatics involves context, stuff that's communicated beyond the meaning of the words. An example: say there's an exchange where someone is describing a single girl to a single guy, and the guy asks if she's attractive. Other person pauses, then responds, "She has a great personality." There's a clear message there, but it's not captured by the meaning of the response itself. It's contextual. That's pragmatics.

Anyway, for my final paper I did an examination of Korean, with a lot of help from Jieun, since my Korean is worse than Shaq's free throw form. Here's the weird thing about Korean - at least conversationally, a ton of it is ambiguous and contextual. For example, "I gave it to him", "They gave it to you", "Did she give them to us?" could all be expressed in Korean the exact same way - the subject, direct and indirect object are all optional, and frequently left out. It's all defined by context.

There's a raging debate about whether thinking affects language or vice versa, but I do think that the features of a language say something about the cultures that use it. With Korean, the fact that so much of the language depends on context for meaning reflects the culture, where so much is unsaid and beneath the surface, where there's a concept of noonchi - intuitive thinking - that understands beyond what's actually said or done. I think it's reflected in the language itself.

And personally, that's the part of both the language and culture that I least get. The unclarity and imprecision of it all, where what you mean doesn't match what you say. That's also the part of me that frustrates Jieun the most, my lack of contextual understanding, but for the life of me, I don't know how to get over that. I'm not Korean, I'm American, and I just can't grasp how one could say something and mean something completely different.

So I'm starting to think maybe the secret is knowing Korean better, since it's built in to the language. As I recall, Dave got way more obsessed about social situations and contexts after his Korean skills improved. Perhaps that's the key. Too bad I'm too lazy to do it.

On a related note, Jieun said to me the other day, "Abby needs to know three languages by the time she's two." Yikes. No pressure or anything.

No one cares, but the most recent season of Survivor was one of the best they've had. Mainly because it was unpredictable until the end. People this time around actually played to win, not just to last another week. And you had a completely psychotic individual who lasted a long time. All in all, very unpredictable, and very entertaining.

The reason I like certain reality TV shows is because even in my entertainment, I like to think, to learn about something. The more something makes me think, the more I like it. Come to think of it, that's probably why I like the first two Harry Potter movies more than the next two. The first have fortune cookie wisdom, especially the second, which tells us that it is our choices, far more than our abilities, that determine who we are. The next two are just plot. Which is fine and entertaining. But I like things better when they make me think and if they say something about life.

Reality TV shows, at least the ones I watch, are really interesting to me because they're a commentary on human nature. The environment is always contrived and artificial, but the participants are real and unscripted, so you still learn something about humankind based on how they act and react. And that fascinates me.

Like one interesting thing about Survivor is that everyone is always obsessed with integrity. At the last tribal council of each season, the finalists always say how they're proud of how they played the game with integrity and the jury always harps on how devious and blatantly non-integrous the finalists were. It happens every single time.

Which says a few things to me. One, everyone has a different standard of integrity, and it just happens to most closely match how they themselves naturally act. I personally think this is one of the hardest barriers to evangelism - everyone thinks they're mostly good; it's hard to convict people of their own sin. I think there was some survey that said like 90% of people think they are more moral than average. That's pretty much how it is.

In any case, I think the integrity thing is a crock anyway. The players don't really care about integrity; they just use that as an excuse to explain why the finalists made it and they didn't. It's a defense mechanism they use to explain why, despite not having made it to the final 2, they're still better people. But they don't really care about integrity, else they wouldn't be bashing other people about it. Calling into question someone else's integrity doesn't exactly demonstrate a lot of integrity yourself.

It's also fascinating what happens when people are stripped of their authority or title. People who are in positions of respect and power in real life can come across as childish and petulant when stuck on equal ground with everyone else. Which shows how much personality is dependent on context.

Anyway, we also watched the last season of Beauty and the Geek, both the US and UK version. Also fascinating. For one, to see the differences in geeks for the two countries. But yeah, the show makes me both happy and sad at the same time. Truth is, I relate to geeks; I feel like I'm one of them, and I'm on their side. Team. What makes me happy is that the beauties always say, after getting to know them, that geeks aren't so bad; maybe they should consider dating a geek. What makes me sad is the knowledge that even though they say this, there's pretty much zero chance that they'd ever really date a geek outside the show, unless he was uber-rich. That's just how life is.

I dunno, that bothers me because I still feel like that geek who was never given a chance with the girls. Which actually makes no sense whatsoever because I was given chances and I'm married now. But you know, so little of our self-identity actually makes sense. And deep inside, I'm still an unattractive geek.

Speaking of human nature, there was this brief article in the paper about some village in China, where the authorities, to ease the transition from a rural to urban society, offered apartments to the residents, a one bedroom apartment for singles, and a two bedroom one for families. What happened was, couples starting divorcing solely so they could get two apartments and rent out one of them. The government found out about it and closed the loophole, but many of the families remained broken as the newly divorced husbands ran off with younger women. What a sad commentary on human nature. Any opportunity to be greedy or selfish, and humans will take it.

I've written about this twice before, but whatever, feel like writing about it again.

In an effort to cook more, I bought a Rachael Ray cookbook with 365 30-minute meals. First of all, 30-minute meal my arse. *Maybe* if you have an army of assistants who prep all the chopping and whatever, but even then, 30 minutes is a stretch. In fact, her directions overlap the cooking directions a lot, to fit in that 30-minute window, and for a non-cook like me, it's a recipe for chaos. For example, last night it said to boil pasta for a certain time, and the directions emphasize *while* boiling the pasta, put into a pan olive oil, butter, onions, etc. I follow directions as they're written, so I did the sauteeing while doing the boiling. But I'm not good enough a cook to juggle multiple things going on at one time; I get flustered and stressed. I should have done things sequentially. So curse you and your artificial 30-minute schedule.

Anyway, dinner was a disaster, and we inflicted it upon the poor, unsuspecting Hyuns. The recipe was for Mac and Cheese with Broccoli. Somehow, I turned it into, it wasn't soup, not even really stew, more like cheese infused gruel. Seriously, that's a gift, to mess up a recipe that bad. Lesson learned - don't try out new recipes on other people.

Anyway, at dinner, I joked that we should all go around and talk about our exes, just to make the conversation more uncomfortable. Bea says to me, incredulously, "You have an ex???" Ouch. And yet, not the first time I've gotten that reaction.

OK, so these video game music things are getting tired, but this one's pretty cool - 2 guitars at the same time.

It's awful that I find this clip so funny, but I do.

As I've mentioned before, I'm against repealing the estate tax. I'm not a socialist, but I'm against solidifying and reinforcing the lines between the haves and the have nots in this country. It just seems that in history, a widening gap between the poor and rich is a precursor to a lot of societal problems, even the downfall of civilizations.

Plus I've never heard a compelling argument for repealing it. Some people bring up how it's double (or triple) taxation, as if that's inherently wrong. We get doubly taxed all the time, on our income, then on things we buy, etc. The arguments I heard for it last time I wrote about it were the most disturbing - that people will always find loopholes anyway so it's not even worth trying. What kind of defeatist attitude is that? Why even bother enacting any laws at all then?

All this to say Paul Krugman's latest article was really interesting. He is similarly against repealing the estate tax, and he talks about an argument the repealers bring up a lot, that it causes farmers to lose their farms. Krugman says that this is a completely made-up argument, that there is not a single real case of a farmer losing a farm to pay the estate tax. I was shocked at that claim. The farmer thing brought up so often, could this actually be true? But it's so easily verifiable, it's hard to imagine that someone so well known would throw it out casually. Anyway, I found it very interesting.

My sister finds Dave's dance entries "inspiring." Jieun just got through watching, with immense joy and laughter, Henry's latest video, which shows a full month of Nathaniel's life in real time. Egad. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

On the plus side, Jieun was also laughing after reading Dave's latest entry, because she only got as far as "i'm gonna try to stop talking about dance since literally no one cares", which she read as she was clicking back because it was so boring. "But I really like his other page" she says. Right.

Our keyboard is one of the greatest purchases I've ever made. I'd probably rank it third all time, after Jieun's engagement ring and my XBox. (Right after that would be my $200 car cover that I used for about a week and the lighting system I bought so I could control the lights in my dorm room from my bed and not have to make the huge journey from the bed to the wall. Oh wait, Henry bought those things, not me. Never mind.)

It's not that I play it so much, but whenever I do I find great pleasure in it. And Jieun plays it a lot, which makes me really happy. An added bonus is, Abby seems to be soothed by the music. She actually has a favorite song: Bach's Invention #8. Immediately calms her down. Invention #1 doesn't do it for her, only #8. She is a baby of discerning taste.

I suppose we're doing the Baby Einstein thing of playing classical music, which supposedly makes babies smarter. I think it's cooler though that Jieun actually plays the Bach every day, instead of some recording.

I'm kind of against the whole Baby Einstein thing in general though. A friend said this and I concur - why is being smart the most important thing? Shouldn't we, especially Christians, value other things even more? Like being emotionally intelligent, or kind, or compassionate, or encouraging? Where are the Baby Barnabas products? Baby Mother Teresa?

My personal goal with Abby is to not place so much emphasis on achievement, but on personal character. In the end, that's what really matters most, right? I don't plan on being a driven parent, but if I am, that's what I want to drive her to, not going to a good college, or being a doctor, or whatever, but being a woman of noble character. We'll see if I'm able to reconcile that with forcing her to take piano lessons until she's 18.

I'm in the Meyer second floor computer cluster, using a Power Macintosh 7100/66.

So I found out Clara has something like this as well, but she updates it more often. At one point, in fact, she would update it daily. That's a little much, but I have to compete, because as Dave Hong knows, I'm Danny Chai (wag the head).

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day. Why don't people just call it in celebration of sin? That and Halloween. What's up with that? Anyway, the FiCS guys got together and made little Valentine's packages for all the girls in FiCS. Dude, so we figure it will take about you know, an hour or two. But it turns out to be a 9 hour extravaganza. Nine hours!!!!!! Insane.

The best part of that long Saturday was the music though. Hosanna has this medley of Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad and Praise the Lord that is amazing. And because I'm a dork, I have to explain it. Okay, so they start the verse to Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad, then go to the chorus, then back to the verse, then chorus, then chorus again; but (this is great!) it's acapella with only men. So one group sings a bass line, then one sings this tenor line, then one pops in going "Hallelujah He Reigns!" It's great! So edifying! Then the chorus again. Then to Praise the Lord, the chorus, the verse, which is sung in cut time, then to the chorus again, but this time, after they sing the first Praise the Lord part, they modulate up half a key. Superb! Then they go back to the verse, then when they sing Praise the Lord again, half of them go back to the Hallelujah for the Lord... part again, then when they get to Almighty Reigns the first time, some go Praise the Lord... It's awesome! Total edification.

Ok, so I hear that, and it's the first time I've heard the recording. So I find out that we've been singing the song kind of wrong. And you know, that bothers me. So what do I do? Do I insist on singing it right, when everyone else is singing it the other way? Such an ethical dilemma.

This is my struggle. You know, I seek excellence in praise because I believe we should strive for excellence in serving God. Like in the Old Testament, the players are commanded to play and sing skillfully; the builders and craftsmen likewise. Like in making the tabernacle and ephods and all that stuff, they go totally all out, and God grants the head men (what's his name again? Ohaliel or something like that) great skill, and they use all this awesome material, overlaying everything in gold and using the best wood, etc. I mean, it's extravagant, and it probably could have been used for other practical purposes. But regarding the Lord, we must give and do our best. Especially when doing this doesn't mean taking away from others. Like in praise, making it the best we can only means maybe a sacrifice of time; it's not like we're taking money or things away from people (although this is possible and is another dilemma of mine). But then the problem is, sometimes praise gets so complicated and intricate that the worshipful heart and attitude is lost. Or people get caught up in the music and not the one to whom that music is meant to be directed. It can even be a distraction, a stumbling block. I mean, praise should be a magnifying glass, right? It helps you to focus through it, not on it. But I guess that doesn't always happen. That balance is so hard to find, you know? Anyway, that's what I've been thinking.

You know, my drawmates are too cool for me. I was just reminded of that yesterday. You know, my strategy for the draw was this: I figure if I surround myself with cool people, people might regard me accordingly, not because I am, but because of the association, you know? Like they'll refer to the good-looking draw group (which my draw group really is) and then they'll remember, wait, Danny's in that draw group... hmm... I guess that must mean he's good looking. Cognitive Dissonance theory. Good stuff.

I hate Dave Hong.

I'm in the Meyer second floor computer cluster, using a Power Macintosh 7100/66.

So I found out Clara has something like this as well, but she updates it more often. At one point, in fact, she would update it daily. That's a little much, but I have to compete, because as Dave Hong knows, I'm Danny Chai (wag the head).

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day. Why don't people just call it in celebration of sin? That and Halloween. What's up with that? Anyway, the FiCS guys got together and made little Valentine's packages for all the girls in FiCS. Dude, so we figure it will take about you know, an hour or two. But it turns out to be a 9 hour extravaganza. Nine hours!!!!!! Insane.

The best part of that long Saturday was the music though. Hosanna has this medley of Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad and Praise the Lord that is amazing. And because I'm a dork, I have to explain it. Okay, so they start the verse to Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad, then go to the chorus, then back to the verse, then chorus, then chorus again; but (this is great!) it's acapella with only men. So one group sings a bass line, then one sings this tenor line, then one pops in going "Hallelujah He Reigns!" It's great! So edifying! Then the chorus again. Then to Praise the Lord, the chorus, the verse, which is sung in cut time, then to the chorus again, but this time, after they sing the first Praise the Lord part, they modulate up half a key. Superb! Then they go back to the verse, then when they sing Praise the Lord again, half of them go back to the Hallelujah for the Lord... part again, then when they get to Almighty Reigns the first time, some go Praise the Lord... It's awesome! Total edification.

Ok, so I hear that, and it's the first time I've heard the recording. So I find out that we've been singing the song kind of wrong. And you know, that bothers me. So what do I do? Do I insist on singing it right, when everyone else is singing it the other way? Such an ethical dilemma.

This is my struggle. You know, I seek excellence in praise because I believe we should strive for excellence in serving God. Like in the Old Testament, the players are commanded to play and sing skillfully; the builders and craftsmen likewise. Like in making the tabernacle and ephods and all that stuff, they go totally all out, and God grants the head men (what's his name again? Ohaliel or something like that) great skill, and they use all this awesome material, overlaying everything in gold and using the best wood, etc. I mean, it's extravagant, and it probably could have been used for other practical purposes. But regarding the Lord, we must give and do our best. Especially when doing this doesn't mean taking away from others. Like in praise, making it the best we can only means maybe a sacrifice of time; it's not like we're taking money or things away from people (although this is possible and is another dilemma of mine). But then the problem is, sometimes praise gets so complicated and intricate that the worshipful heart and attitude is lost. Or people get caught up in the music and not the one to whom that music is meant to be directed. It can even be a distraction, a stumbling block. I mean, praise should be a magnifying glass, right? It helps you to focus through it, not on it. But I guess that doesn't always happen. That balance is so hard to find, you know? Anyway, that's what I've been thinking.

You know, my drawmates are too cool for me. I was just reminded of that yesterday. You know, my strategy for the draw was this: I figure if I surround myself with cool people, people might regard me accordingly, not because I am, but because of the association, you know? Like they'll refer to the good-looking draw group (which my draw group really is) and then they'll remember, wait, Danny's in that draw group... hmm... I guess that must mean he's good looking. Cognitive Dissonance theory. Good stuff.

I hate Dave Hong.

I'm in my Bio 44X advisor's room, using his Power Macintosh 7100/66.

This advisor, by the way, Mike Lin, is a really swell guy. And single. Come visit him. He lives at the end of the hall on the first floor in Serra, which by the way, is a cool dorm.

Last Friday FiCS was really good. We saw a video; Tony Campolo at Urbana '87 re: commitment to God. Seriously, it was one of the most powerful things I have ever seen in my life. I strongly recommend you see it- it will (or should) change the way you see what being a Christian means.

The only thing wrong with Friday was the praise. OK, so I get the right equipment this week. But I chose really difficult songs. And they were really high. And we had tuned our instruments ever so slightly so high. So we're singing stuff like Sweet Mercies or Take My Life and geez, we're struggling to hold those Eb and Fs. Hard night. I lost my voice.

A song I'm digging right now is Brent Bourgeous' Blessed Be The Name of the Lord, which was based on Job. Where he says, the Lord gives, the Lord takes away; Blessed be the name of the Lord. I guess just because sometimes, I feel like Job, and nothing in my life seems to make sense, but my prayer is that through it all, no matter what happens, though He take my very life, Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord.

I came to the realization again that I'm just plain annoying. That's all it really comes down to. Kind of depressing to realize. Like the other night, a "friend" of mine says how her first impression of me was that I was really really annoying. And then she still finds me repulsive sometimes. So I'm perturbed, and my roommate goes, geez, you have a really abrasive personality. You have to expect stuff like that. Ouch. Abrasive is so abrasive. Ouch. Frankly, I'm repulsive.

So I went to the arcade the other day. They're doing much better; have a variety of games, and they're fairly cheap. $0.25 for Street Fighter Alpha. Now all I have to do is learn it.

Well here I am back at Stanford. I'm in my drawmate Irwin's room, using his Power Macintosh 7100/66.

It's been weird to be back. You know, every time I go to another place, I always miss the place where I just was. Like I missed Korea when I got back to the U.S., missed Stanford when I went home, and right now I really miss Houston. I don't know why. Just a transitory thing, I guess.

Anyway, I had to pick up my CS106A final in the new Gates CS building. That's after Bill Gates, for those who don't know. $38.4 million building. Anyway, I liked the way that sounded. The Gates building. You know, I wonder if I were to give a bunch of money, what would I want named after me? The Chai Symbolic Systems Building? How about the Chai Arcade? Yeah, I kind of like that. The Chai arcade. Just down the street from the Gates building.

Speaking of arcades, why is the Stanford arcade so shabby? Like, this is a world class institution. We deserve better. I mean, at Berkeley, they have the Underground: it's famous; the place where legends are born; where good and evil men are made and die. Why can't we have that? Doesn't Tresidder management realize that there are so many people around her who want to waste their time and money on video games? They could be making a ton of money, if they would just open their eyes. Man, if I was in charge, I would revolutionize the business there. Get good games, for cheap. That will bring people just by word of mouth; I guarantee it. The next thing is to change the ambience. It's a big deal at arcades. You gotta have a slightly dark, moody place. It's gotta be serious. I think carpeting is preferable. And a couch would be good. Man, I could make a ton of money at that place. I understand the video gamer's mind, you see.

Why is it called a guinea pig, anyway? I wish I knew where that came from. They are neither from Guinea, nor are they pigs. Talk about random. It's kind of like Stern Food Service, ay? Just a random juxtaposition of words.

Well here I am in Houston, Texas, home of the World Champion Houston Rockets, at 1:10 in the morning. It's been a good vacation. Lots of rest. Like tons. The night after I got back I slept for 20 straight hours. Contemplate that for a second. Then every night since, I've slept at least 12 hours a night. That's a lot of sleep, and let me tell you, it takes a certain amount of discipline to sleep that much. Oh and I also got sick with the flu, and that helped.

Anyway, since I was sick, I had to go to the doctor (and also to check on my nagging cough, which I've had for over 2 months now). Anyway, he decides it's probably nothing, but just in case, he says let's run some tests. I say, Ok, that can't be too bad. But what the heck? The chest X-Ray was alright, but then I go to the drawing laboratory, and the nurse takes out five vials. Five Vials? How many blood tests can there possibly be? OK, I realize I'm whining, but it hurts when they have to pop the cannisters off and on.

You know, David Spade isn't funny at all. Just annoying. It's like a friend of mine once got this bug stuck in his eylid, and he couldn't get it out becuase, you know, how do you poke around your own eye? and it was really deep in there but was still alive, so he was going crazy with this bug buzzing around in his eye. That's David Spade.

So my friend is at the Huntsville bus station, about to get a ride back to Houston. Anyway, there's a bunch of men there, and the odd thing is, they're all wearing the same white outfits, like they're waiters or something. And my friends think it's odd, but not much else. So they go, and they're worried, because she has to get back to catch a ride, and they're like all these people there. Anyway, they go up, and they're all, no problem, go in front, yadda yadda, and they don't seem to care too much. And one guy goes, "Heck, I've been waiting 13 years; what's a few more minutes?" So this confuses my friends. Well they make small talk, and after a while, one asks, "So what club do y'all belong to?" And they're all, "Oh us? We just got out of prison." Ok, that's a lame ending to the story, but I thought it was mildly amusing. Ok, maybe it wasn't. Dave Hong would laugh, you know.

Why is it called a guinea pig, anyway? I wish I knew where that came from.

OK, so this vacation I've been learning a bunch of songs on both piano and guitar. Anyway, I want to learn to play Lady in Red. But how do I manage to keep the sensual feeling of the song without the synthesizer back? Is it even possible? Hmmm...

Well here I am in Houston, Texas, home of the World Champion Houston Rockets, at 1:10 in the morning. It's been a good vacation. Lots of rest. Like tons. The night after I got back I slept for 20 straight hours. Contemplate that for a second. Then every night since, I've slept at least 12 hours a night. That's a lot of sleep, and let me tell you, it takes a certain amount of discipline to sleep that much. Oh and I also got sick with the flu, and that helped.

Anyway, since I was sick, I had to go to the doctor (and also to check on my nagging cough, which I've had for over 2 months now). Anyway, he decides it's probably nothing, but just in case, he says let's run some tests. I say, Ok, that can't be too bad. But what the heck? The chest X-Ray was alright, but then I go to the drawing laboratory, and the nurse takes out five vials. Five Vials? How many blood tests can there possibly be? OK, I realize I'm whining, but it hurts when they have to pop the cannisters off and on.

You know, David Spade isn't funny at all. Just annoying. It's like a friend of mine once got this bug stuck in his eylid, and he couldn't get it out becuase, you know, how do you poke around your own eye? and it was really deep in there but was still alive, so he was going crazy with this bug buzzing around in his eye. That's David Spade.

So my friend is at the Huntsville bus station, about to get a ride back to Houston. Anyway, there's a bunch of men there, and the odd thing is, they're all wearing the same white outfits, like they're waiters or something. And my friends think it's odd, but not much else. So they go, and they're worried, because she has to get back to catch a ride, and they're like all these people there. Anyway, they go up, and they're all, no problem, go in front, yadda yadda, and they don't seem to care too much. And one guy goes, "Heck, I've been waiting 13 years; what's a few more minutes?" So this confuses my friends. Well they make small talk, and after a while, one asks, "So what club do y'all belong to?" And they're all, "Oh us? We just got out of prison." Ok, that's a lame ending to the story, but I thought it was mildly amusing. Ok, maybe it wasn't. Dave Hong would laugh, you know.

Why is it called a guinea pig, anyway? I wish I knew where that came from.

OK, so this vacation I've been learning a bunch of songs on both piano and guitar. Anyway, I want to learn to play Lady in Red. But how do I manage to keep the sensual feeling of the song without the synthesizer back? Is it even possible? Hmmm...

Well here I am in Houston, Texas, home of the World Champion Houston Rockets, at 1:10 in the morning. It's been a good vacation. Lots of rest. Like tons. The night after I got back I slept for 20 straight hours. Contemplate that for a second. Then every night since, I've slept at least 12 hours a night. That's a lot of sleep, and let me tell you, it takes a certain amount of discipline to sleep that much. Oh and I also got sick with the flu, and that helped.

Anyway, since I was sick, I had to go to the doctor (and also to check on my nagging cough, which I've had for over 2 months now). Anyway, he decides it's probably nothing, but just in case, he says let's run some tests. I say, Ok, that can't be too bad. But what the heck? The chest X-Ray was alright, but then I go to the drawing laboratory, and the nurse takes out five vials. Five Vials? How many blood tests can there possibly be? OK, I realize I'm whining, but it hurts when they have to pop the cannisters off and on.

You know, David Spade isn't funny at all. Just annoying. It's like a friend of mine once got this bug stuck in his eylid, and he couldn't get it out becuase, you know, how do you poke around your own eye? and it was really deep in there but was still alive, so he was going crazy with this bug buzzing around in his eye. That's David Spade.

So my friend is at the Huntsville bus station, about to get a ride back to Houston. Anyway, there's a bunch of men there, and the odd thing is, they're all wearing the same white outfits, like they're waiters or something. And my friends think it's odd, but not much else. So they go, and they're worried, because she has to get back to catch a ride, and they're like all these people there. Anyway, they go up, and they're all, no problem, go in front, yadda yadda, and they don't seem to care too much. And one guy goes, "Heck, I've been waiting 13 years; what's a few more minutes?" So this confuses my friends. Well they make small talk, and after a while, one asks, "So what club do y'all belong to?" And they're all, "Oh us? We just got out of prison." Ok, that's a lame ending to the story, but I thought it was mildly amusing. Ok, maybe it wasn't. Dave Hong would laugh, you know.

Why is it called a guinea pig, anyway? I wish I knew where that came from.

OK, so this vacation I've been learning a bunch of songs on both piano and guitar. Anyway, I want to learn to play Lady in Red. But how do I manage to keep the sensual feeling of the song without the synthesizer back? Is it even possible? Hmmm...

I don't like playing basketball at Terman. Partly because I just don't really like playing basketball period. Some people love the game itself so much they can play with pretty much anyone, including strangers, and have a good time. Not me. I just like the fellowship. That's why I'm not into like 4 of us Baylight peeps playing with random people there. Then it's not fellowship anymore, it's just playing basketball, which I'm not into. So yeah, that's why I always ask who else is going. Not to follow the crowd, but because I'm into the fellowship, not the game.

But there are other reasons I don't like playing at Terman. Specifically particular people there.

Top of my peeve list is over-educating guy. This is the guy who, every time I play with him, feels some strange to teach me about the finer points of the game in the most condescending way possible. "This is how you box out." "This is called a screen." Or he'll set a back screen for me and get completely pissed if I don't take it (followed by a primer on how to take said screen). Completely condescending. Wholly enraging.

The reason I get so angry is because he's better than me, but not *that* much better than me, not enough to justify the condescension. I'm positive I know as much about the game as him, it's just that I suck. That's why I can't box out sometimes. Too skinny, short, and weak. That's why I don't take those screens. Wouldn't know what to do with the ball even if I got it. But I know the game. Have you ever scored 300 points with 100 steals in a single game on NBA Action for Sega Genesis, over-educating guy? Q.E.D. Thanks for the making the game no fun. Appreciate it.

Another annoying character is little-too-into-it guy. Guy who's a little too vocal, takes a few too many shots based on his talent, who yells at his teammates a little too much when they shoot and miss. Dude, it's just a game. If you want more competition, you shouldn't be playing with a bunch of mostly dorky Asians. Chill.

Last one is the girl. This has nothing to do with personality. She actually seems like a really nice person. The issue is just that playing against her is a no-win situation, and since I'm generally the worst on the team, I get stuck on her. If I shut her down defensively, there's no glory. Which, incidentally, never happens because it's more than a little uncomfortable to defend her that closely. So I'm resigned to giving her her shot, which she makes a good amount. So I get frequently scored on by a girl. Not good times.

So yeah, basketball at Terman is not my friend.

Abby's starting to do some imitative smiling, which is such a good feeling, so I've started smiling at her for hours every day. Anyway, I don't know if these vids quite capture it but yeah, kind of smiling in them. Lighting's bad, but what can you do.

I cannot believe I've been tagged. Whatever, love of the game.

1. Four Jobs:

a. Hot dog vendor at Great America. Not a hot dog stand, but the booth in the Farmer's Market. My advice: avoid the chili dogs. I'll skip the details, but take my word for it.

b. Piano accompanist. K@thy Yung got me this gig for her voice classes during college. I accompanied her an hour a week and got paid for it.

c. Lab assistant. I was pre-med once upon a time, then switched junior year. So I took 4 quarters of chemistry, 2 chem labs, 3 quarters of bio, 2 bio labs. I'm one PChem class short of the requirements. I also worked in a cancer research hospital for two summers. What a waste.

d. Software engineer. Boring.

2. Four Things I Wish I Had Done Earlier:

a. Switched out of pre-med. I dunno, maybe it will be relevant again someday but it feels like a waste at the moment. Had I been symbolic systems from the start, I could have taken way more interesting classes. Definitely would have taken more philosophy. And gotten a better foundation in C.S. Oh well.

b. Realized that smart people can play sports. While growing up, I held this dichotomy in my mind, that there are smart people, and there are athletic people, and they are fully disjoint sets. I don't think that changed until college, when I met people who were apparently intelligent but also athletic and cool. Not all of them, but enough to finally shatter my preconceptions. Back in 7th grade I was invited to join a couple soccer clubs but I didn't, nor did I join the junior high team, because in my mind, nerds didn't play sports. I wish I had; maybe I wouldn't be so physically awkward now.

c. Stopped washing my face. I'm serious. Jieun thinks I'm delusional, but I promise you, my acne got way better once I stopped washing my face so much. My theory is, if you pay too much attention to your face, it dries it out and irritates it and makes it worse. Ever since I stopped washing it so much, and almost never with soap, my complexion's gotten much better. You should see pictures of me from high school - my face was a disaster. Nowadays, I only get one zit every few weeks or so. Unless I'm sleep deprived. Which I am now. So I currently have a full spectrum of zits, the cluster zit on my left cheek, surface zit on my left chin, and the dreaded deep tissue zit on my nose. Not good times.

d. Figured out what I want to do with my life. Which I still don't know. But in the meantime, being a dad is pretty nice.

3. Four Places I Have Lived:

a. Columbus, OH for less than a year. But I visited my home years later. Highland Street.

b. Bay Area - Sunnyvale (on Hollenbeck), San Jose (Rice Dr.), Los Altos (with Minho's family).

c. Houston, TX - but only for summers. But since I've been going "home" there for so many years, in some weird way it feels like home.

d. Sunnyvale, with my wife. Here's an odd fact about me. One reason I'm hesitant to call into national sports-talk shows is because I don't know where to say I'm from. San Jose? Sunnyvale? NorCal? "NoCal"? Silicon Valley? Seriously, no clue. And that's enough to keep me from calling.

4. Four Countries I Have Been To:

a. Portugal - my first mission trip, summer of '93.

b. Korea - summer of '95. Most people go to Yonsei; my mom sent me to KAIST in Taejon. I should have went to Yonsei. The only thing I learned that summer was how to play Bust-A-Move and what the inside of a video-bang looks like.

c. Canada - various road trips and family trip. I've been now to Vancouver, Victoria, Calgary, Banff, Toronto, Montreal, Kamloops. I'm a huge Canada fan.

d. Tahiti - we were just talking about this with another couple, but if you ask me, it's better to go on a honeymoon to an English speaking place. The combination getting used to spending 24-7 with each other and dealing with a foreign tongue is too big a transition, I think.

5. Four Countries I Would Like to Visit:

a. Argentina. I wrote about this before, right? I've been getting Travelocity travel updates on Argentina ticket prices for years now. I don't think it's ever gonna happen though.

b. Mexico. Just because it's somewhat absurd that someone who's lived in CA as long as I have has never been to Mexico. The closest I've gotten is the illegal immigrant crossing signs in San Diego.

c. Czech Republic, or wherever Prague is. My cousin told me that Prague is for "lovers". That sounds pretty nice.

d. Peru - before tourists destory Macchu Picchu. I fully realize that I'd be contributing to that. But it's getting destroyed anyway, so I might as well see it before it's gone.

6. Four of My Favorite Dishes:

7. Four Sites I Visit Daily:

Long, boring weekend recap. People like Karen who find this page boring to begin with, click back immediately.

Actually, I have to start off by saying that I'm a huge Karen fan. Reason being, she's an incredible friend to Jieun, and I love the way she makes Jieun feel. That's a secret to getting in my good graces, btw (not that anyone's ever wanted to, but you know, theoretically): be good to Jieun. Conversely, treat her poorly, and I'll hold a grudge for a really long time.

Anyway, I hope it's OK to tell this story, but I think it sums up Karen's character well. One year, on Karen's birthday, Jieun had a particularly busy, crappy day and ended up forgetting to call, so that evening, Karen ends up calling Jieun, saying how someone forgot someone's birthday. Jieun of course feels bad, but starts telling her about her crappy day and the bulk of the conversation turns into Karen consoling Jieun. On her own birthday. That's Karen in a nutshell. Giving and caring, at least as far as Jieun is concerned.

This weekend we went to SoCal for a wedding. Abby's first time on a plane. I was actually fairly concerned about it beforehand, because we've heard a number of horror stories from other parents about traveling with babies. Even though L.A. is a quick flight, one other parent described an L.A. flight he took with his baby as the longest 1.5 hours of his life. So there was more than a little trepidation there. As it turned out, Abby was an angel, made only about 45 seconds of total noise, and we were very grateful.

We also got to experience for the first time a perk I had forgotten all about: when they announce preboarding for families with small children, it hit me - hey, that's us! We're a family! We have small children! We get to preboard! That was kind of nifty. Doesn't quite make up for the tripling of gear we need to travel with, but it's nice nonetheless.

Saturday afternoon we hung out with Karen, Norma, Sangsoo, and their kids a the Park residence in Valencia. Although we know many families with small children up here, I don't fully feel like they're peers; they're more like mentors in my mind, so it was kind of different and nice to hang out with families that are more peer-like. They have 3 boys between them, and I had an interesting convo with Sangsoo. He seems to think that there's a real daddy's little girl effect with fathers. Fathers he knows all love their kids, but in his estimation, fathers of boys sometimes feel like they want some time away and feel more tired, whereas fathers of girls can't wait to come home from work every day. I have zero idea if this is true; it's probably not, but still interesting.

We ate with Jieun's fam at DaDo Sushi. Korean-owned, of course. People seem to think I'm an L.A. hater. It's not that I hate L.A. I actually really like the people. There are just things about it that bother me, that I'm reminded of every single time I go there. I've written about it too much to rehash, but it's traffic, smog, heat, and insularity. The last being not just a general L.A.-centricity, but ethnic insularity. In SoCal, it's possible for Koreans to (and many do) interact only with other Koreans. Going to Korean markets, dentists, doctors, dry-cleaners, eating at Chinese, Japanese, and Korean restaurants that are all Korean-owned. I have no logical basis for being bothered by that, but I am. I realized this when at dinner, a Caucasian family came in to eat and I was startled. I was so used to there only being other Koreans there wherever we ate that when a non-Asian family came in it was striking. I dunno, that doesn't seem right to me.

Sunday we went to church at Ambassador Church, where we met up with Gloria. Second time at the church and I like it a lot. I'd probably go there if I lived in the area. Not too Korean, not too big, and they seem like good people. Anyway, the sermon was on The DaVinci Code. I'm all in favor of stuff like this, churches tying in to relevant stuff going in culture, like many churches are doing with TDC and did before when the Passion of the Christ came out. I just think it's a good way to reach out to people are are maybe more plugged in to what's going on in pop culture and maybe less so to the church.

Anyway, I'm amending what I said on Henry page. I had said before that it was primarily blasphemous, not necessarily heretical. Based on some Dan Brown quotes from the sermon, I'm going to say that it's heretical also. Because yeah, it's a fictional novel, but Brown insists both in the intro to the book and in interviews (e.g. with Matt Lauer) that all the historical elements of it are true. Lauer asked him, if it was a non-fiction book, which of the historical elements would change, and Brown replied that none of it would. I don't know if that's what he truly believes, but publicly he insists that it's all true, and that's fairly heretical.

Lunch with Gloria, Jane, and Jonathan at Corner Place. Good time had by all. Incidentally, one thing I do love about L.A. is the food. I can think of tons of foods I like to that are only in L.A. And one of them is the dongchimigooksoo at Corner Place. It's Jieun's favorite, with good reason. Delicious. Anyway, the Chais with three lawyers, and here's one thing I like about lawyers - when they get together, they don't dominate the conversation talking about law, the way practitioners of other professions do. As an outsider, I very much appreciate that.

Not much to say about the wedding, except that it involved a 3+ generation Japanese-American and a Filipino, so it wasn't like most Asian weddings I go to. First Filipino wedding I've seen. Things that stuck out to me: short toasts, loud cheers, huge extended family.

Got to the airport late this morning and we barely made the flight. Abby was great on the plane, other than considerately pooping three times. Nowadays, she grunts and scrunches her face for minutes before she actually lets loose. It's the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.

"And that was my weekend". Boring.

I had a Scriptural breakthrough during the study last week. Parable of the talents. There are several elements of this parable that have always bothered me. One is where the last servant says that the master is a hard man, reaping where he has not sown. And the master acknowledges this. For the life of me, I have no idea what that means.

One other thing that's always bothered me is how the master in the end gives the last slave's talent to the first slave, who had 5 and gained 5 more. Why didn't he give them to the slave who had 2 and gained 2 more? Or split it between them? They both earned 100% on what was given to them. The master just happened to give the first servant more to begin with. Based on things in their control, they were equally successful. So why give even more to the first servant, when he was preferentially treated to begin with? That just never seemed "fair" to me.

And I know it's bothered me for a long time because I remember asking my Dad about it when I was a kid. He responded that in Luke's version (at least I think it's Luke), they're all given 10 to start with. The first earns 10 more, the second servant 5 more, and the last none. In that scenario, it makes sense why the last's pound is given to the first servant - he earned a greater return. But my dad's answer isn't satisfying at all. It's fine for the Luke story. But that's not how Matthew presents it; I want to know what Matthew's point is. And I've been confused about that for a long time.

Here's my breakthrough, and maybe it's obvious, but it's a breakthrough for me. My problem is that I'm still thinking of the talents as something for the pleasure and benefit of the servants themselves. If that's true, then yeah, it's unfair, and difficult to explain. But that's not what they're for. The talents aren't theirs to begin with, won't ever be their own, and anything they get from them aren't theirs to keep either. It's all for the master. Because of that, what the master does with the talents is pretty much irrelevant as far as fairness goes, because none of it is for the primary benefit of the servants themselves. I've been thinking about the point of the talents all wrong.

I was reminded again of that passage from A Long Way Down:

The trouble with my generation is that we all think we're f***ing geniuses. Making something isn't good enough for us, and neither is selling something, or teaching something, or even just doing something; we have to be something. It's our inalienable right, as citizens of the twenty-first century. If Christina Aguilera or Britney or some American Idol jerk can be something, then why can't I? Where's mine, huh? ... talent is never enough to make us happy, is it? I mean, it should be, because talent is a gift, and you should thank God for it, but I didn't. It just pissed me off because I wasn't being paid for it, and it didn't get me on the cover of Rolling Stone.

That's so true of me. I've been thinking of talents as a form of entitlement. Drives me crazy when I see people less talented than me achieving far more success. It's not enough to be thankful for what I'm given; I've seen talent as a justification for deserving more for myself. Or that my talents are primarily for my own pleasure and benefit. That's why the parable has never quite set well with me - I've never fully realized who the talents are for. I've completely missed the point, both in reading the parable and in my own life. My talents belong to the master, and they are for his glory.

I dunno, huge breakthrough for me. We'll see how it plays out.

It's interesting how much of a connection you have for your children. I have absolutely no objectivity at all as far as Abby is concerned. I really mean that. She might be a really funny looking baby, and I have no way of knowing, because I see her and I see the most beautiful baby in the world. She's probably not that. But I just can't tell.

Someone mentioned at church today that it felt like Simon and Garfunkel leading worship. I'm not quite sure how to respond to that. On one hand, I guess it means I wasn't too flat on my harmonies, which is good. On the other hand, I don't think that's quite the feel we were going for with Not To Us. Oh well.

Also at church, I was talking to Jay L3e and Stewart approaches from the back and says "Hi, uncle Young!" Then when Jay turns around he says, "who are you?" That slayed me. People still can't tell Young and Jay apart. Eli can't to this very day.

At lunch today, we ran into an old coworker of mine. I'm always awkward when I see coworkers outside of work, because as you may or not know, I prefer to go by D@niel professionally. But with spouse and friends, I'm Danny. So when the worlds collide, no clue which way to go. Do I go by Daniel and confuse my friends, or Danny and confuse the coworkers? Today, after his wife introduced himself, I just said nothing. Rude, but at least I didn't confuse anyone. I actually got found out recently at work when they called my cell from a conference room and got my message, which identifies me as Danny, and they all flipped out. I need to change that message.

This goes both ways for me, incidentally. I had no idea what to call Minho's parents the year I lived with them so I grunted and pointed for an entire year. Caveman Danny/D@niel; that's me.

I've also started taking my recycling to the Nexcycle station by Pak N' Save. About 60¢ per small plastic bag of recycling. Not much, but it's like minimal effort for free money.

For Mother's Day dinner we went to Maggiano's on Santana Row. The best word for Santana Row is "faux". And I absolutely love it. It was a great night to eat outside, warm but not hot, decent food, nice environment with the faux urban feel, dining with my wonderful wife and child. Good times.

We ran into T@mmy W@ng there. And last time we went we ran into M3lody Low, who was with Singaporean friends. Random classmate run-ins.

Wow, pretty boring. What is this, Henry weekends?

I really need to stop listening to so much sports talk radio. I get too riled up and it's not good for my soul.

Here's one of my biggest pet peeves - callers who complain about the attention some subject is getting and say, there are more important things to be worry about. They apply it to all sorts of stuff, like the steroids issue in past years. One caller said that about the Duke lacrosse team rape scandal. We should stop giving it so much attention, there are more important problems in the world that we should be talking about.

Uh, hello? You're listening to and calling in to a sports talk show. And you're telling us that there are more important things in life to worry about? Here's 25¢. Go buy some perspective.

I saw a snippet of Tom Cruise on Leno and you know what? I saw some resemblance to Sinc. Not a lot, but a tinge. Random.

I liked MI:3 when watching it, but the more I think about it, the less I like it. Three reasons. One, the action sequences were somewhat underwhelming. There was tension, just the scenes themselves, something missing. Two, the story had no flow to it. Just seemed to come to an abrupt end, no real climax. Three, it felt too much like a long episode of Alias. That's basically what it was. From the flashback technique, to the exotic locales, gadgets and gadget guy, Greg Grunberg, Michael Giacchino's music. I like Alias so it's OK. But something different would have worked better as a movie, I think.

In addition to becoming more of a wuss, I'm also getting dumber. As you may or may not know, I don't carry a planner, or a calendar, or scheduler, or anything like that. For most of my life, I've just kept track of appointments in my head. Thing is, I'm getting progressively worse at it.

So last week, I show up at the Kim residence for a small group leaders meeting. I was running late, so I brought my dinner with me. Problem: I was a week off. Whoops! Mike must have wondered what the freak I was doing there, casually walking into their house, dinner in hand. He was good-natured about it, but yeah, I'm getting worse at remembering the correct dates of things.

Incidentally, the kids were all watching Spider-Man And His Amazing Friends. That brought back memories. That was one of my favorite cartoons growing up. And truth be told, I think I had a minor crush on Firestar. Also the princess from Gummi Bears (SN. There seem to be way more princesses than princes in kid cartoons. Not sure why) and Scarlet from G.I. Joe. We all did, didn't we? Guys?

I've turned into a straight-up wuss. There's no denying it, and there's no other way to put it. Wuss.

We were watching snippets of Forrest Gump the other day and when it got to the part where Forrest's mom dies, I was bawling like Abby with a bad diaper rash. Even Jieun was surprised. Thing is, I distinctly remember watching this scene in the theaters, where Forrest is telling the old woman on the bench and she's kleenexing her eyes, and I thought that was not true to life. I mean, it was sad and all, but who would actually cry when hearing it? Wuss, I tell you.

The reason I was moved though was it just made me think about the strength of a mother's love. It amazes me that every time Jieun interacts with Abby, no matter how tired she is or how cranky Abby is being, she speaks to her with love. I mean, I try and do that also, but she's not sucking at my nipples every 3 hours so it's a lot easier for me. There's just no love quite as strong as a mother's love. And that made me cry.

So I have to say I'm a big supporter of Mother's Day. Father's day, whatever, that's just a greeting card company invention that I'm mildly against. But Mother's Day, 100% on board. It's crazy how much they love and how much they do. Nowadays, I literally want to go to every mother I know and give them a standing ovation. Go moms.

I think there's a strong possibility that my children will be more "Asian" than I am.

That's strange to me. I think for most part, each generation that descends from immigrants becomes more "American"; by that I just mean they find less and less of their identity in their particular ethnic background. You can see this by looking at who they marry. First generation immigrants almost all marry within their own ethnicity. This is less true of the second generation, although they still tend to marry with similar cultures. Then you get like modern day Japanese-Americans, where the majority of them marry non-Japanese-Americans.

It's also evident in who they hang out with I think. I dunno, just in general, I think that Asians, like all ethnic minorities in America, have gotten less Asian which each successive generation.

Well I'm pretty white-washed, I think. I'm fairly familiar with Korean culture but I don't speak the language too well or care about it that much, to be perfectly frank. I rarely crave Korean food. Not really big on Korean pride. I mean, I'm happy to be Korean, I'm just not a hangook manseh guy. I dunno, I think I hit a magic center growing up in terms of there being other Korean/Asians around. There weren't so few that I was made super aware of my ethnic identity, but there weren't so many that I had super Asian pride either. To make a sweeping, inaccurate generalization, it seems like people who are really into Asian-American issues come from one of these two backgrounds, where there were nearly none or very many other Asians around when they grew up.

The thing is, Asian presence and influence in culture is growing, so there's this weird Asian pride thing going on I never experienced when growing up. Like, I've already resigned myself to the fact that whatever school our kids go to, there will be many Asians there. It's inevitable. Just, they (we) all value education too much and are willing to sacrifice for it. The Newsweek top high schools list just came out and I guarantee you, Asian parents all over are figuring out how to move into the appropriate school zones. If there are good schools with few Asians now, they'll get there. It's inevitable.

So yeah, our kids will have a lot of Asian friends. Maybe they'll go to Borders and read manga. I still can't get over it, how the bookstores have an extensive manga section. The craziest thing is, recently the Sunnyvale Borders added a non-translated manga section. That's just insane to me. But yeah, Asian influence is growing. So maybe my kids will be all into Asian pride. Not that that's bad. It's just weird to me.

More videos. Mostly super short and boring, but I still feel you get something from the sense of movement that's lacking in a photograph.

OK, the first one I just wanted to show what Jieun says to Abby before every single feeding. Literally every single time, and it's the exact phrase verbatim. The rough transliteration is, "Wanna eat food? Food? Let's eat food."

I recently read this article that talks about Roger Clemens and the secret to both his success and his longevity, and it's totally counter-intuitive: it's his legs. When he talks about how he's doing, he most frequently talks about his legs. His legs are the key to his pitching.

I also read a long time ago that the key to sprinting is upper body strength. Something about how the speed at which you swing your arms drives how fast your legs move, so the faster you can swing, the faster you can run. That's why the best sprinters are so stacked.

I find both those things totally bizarre. Pitching depends on legs? Sprinting depends on arms? Is there anything else in life that's like that, where the key to something is something seemingly unrelated? Like is the key to spiritual health swimming? The key to physical health is reading? Someone tell me these secrets.

On Michael W. Smith's second worship album, there's this song (There She Stands) that I didn't understand at all for a while, just because I didn't listen to it very carefully. When I did, I realized that it's a song about the flag, or about the U.S. as represented by the flag. I was outraged. Nothing against patriotic songs, but what the heck is it doing on a worship album? Shouldn't we render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, and unto God what is God's, and not mix up the two?

But then I realized, maybe I'm the one that's missing something, because in every single hymnal I've ever used, there are patriotic songs in there. Even the Korean-American hymnal includes I believe both the U.S. and Korean national anthems in it. So apparently, among Christians the world over, it's commonly accepted to mix worship with patriotism. I'm just curious how it got to be that way, because I don't quite get it, and I'm still not sure I like it. But yeah, since it's so common, I must be the one that's missing something.

I don't get the hype with the Gospel of Judas either. It's just another example of the syndrome of which The DaVinci Code is also guilty - people want any excuse to say that Christianity as we know it is wrong, and aren't willing to apply the same standards of veracity to these alternative sources that they do for established Scripture. It's really annoying.

There was a quote in Newsweek by the guy who wrote the book on the discovered Gospel of Judas, and he says it well - this manuscript says nothing about the historical Jesus, and it says nothing about the historical Judas. All it tells us is what some offshoot group believed hundreds of years after the events depicted.

Furthermore, I dunno why Dan Brown and other people give ancient Gnostics so much respect. As I understand it, they were this weirdo group that believed that they alone had access to secret knowledge. Perhaps this is overstating it, but in my mind, they were the conspiracy theorists of their day. Like the Area 51 or Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists of today, who think they alone know the real truth. For some reason, we see modern day conspiracy theorists as being cuckoo or at least a little weird. But ancient ones, people give respect. I dunno, I don't get it.

Sorry to be heartless, but I'm against these illegal immigrant demonstrations and whatnot. I'm not saying I'm necessarily in favor of the current immigration policy or whatever. I'm just saying, what's the point of having laws if we don't think they should be enforced? If we say that we should just ignore laws we don't agree with and demand that there be no consequences for doing so? That's a recipe for chaos. What basis do we have then, for prosecuting anyone who breaks a law they happen to disagree with?

I don't think we can just selectively enforce laws without a clear, consistent basis for doing so. If it's a law, he have to enforce it. If you disagree with it, work to change it. Or violate it and be willing to live with the consequences.

So if you don't like our current immigration policy, you should work to change it. But to have a system where we declare certain immigrants illegal and then demand we do nothing to enforce the law both hurts them and makes a mockery out of the law. I dunno, that's just my take. Not that anyone cares.

We're getting to the part in The West Wing where Bartlet has to deal with his father issues. (SN. I think TWW is a good show. Sometimes great. But I dunno, I enjoy many other shows much more, so I don't quite get the hype. SSN. The Simpsons on Sunday, first one I've seen in a while, was hilarious. I can't believe the show is still good.) This is something I think about a lot, how things that happen in childhood can leave a permanent mark on a person's sense of identity.

It's definitely true for me. For most of my life, I was geeky looking, super-skinny, and non-athletic. I'm still all those things, it's just less pronounced now. But yeah, I think my friends from freshman year in college would say the same thing, that I was pretty nerdy looking. In fact, they do say so. But anyway.

Point is, I always thought of myself as unattractive, and at heart, that's still fundamentally how I view myself. And you know, it shouldn't matter anymore, right? Now that I'm married and all. And objectively, I know it doesn't make sense. I had girlfriends in junior high and college. Jieun, a beautiful woman, married me. So I know I must be attractive to some people. There's no point in telling me that; I already know. But it's not a head thing, it's a heart thing, and I'm not sure how to ever get over that.

So yeah, I go through periodic waves where I feel unattractive to everyone in the world, and for some reason, that makes me feel kinda unloved, too. And it all stems from my childhood. Weird stuff.

What exactly is sin?

Maybe I shouldn't be leading studies if I can't answer this basic question but I'm not sure I precisely know. I was thinking about it while holding Abby, and I'm not entirely sure why, but I was inspired to pray for her sins. I know forgiveness requires repentance, and that my prayers won't directly bring about the forgiveness of Abby's sins, but you know, it can't hurt. Maybe I was inspired by Job, I dunno.

In any case, I just started thinking about it. I believe in original sin, and that no matter how cute Abby is, she was born with a sinful nature. But what does that mean? Does that mean that she has already sinned? If so, what does it mean to sin, since she seems barely capable of thought? Is conscious thought and intentionality even a prerequisite for sin?

Maybe it isn't, right? Like, Jesus curses the fig tree for not producing fruit, and "rebukes" the wind and wave. Although that doesn't mean that they sinned. I know that sin roughly means missing the mark, falling short of God's holiness. But I guess I don't perfectly understand what that practically means in terms of infants. Do they just have a sinful nature or have they already sinned? And if so, when?

What a cheerful entry. Geez.

Interesting post. This isn't the motivation for M, but my theory about efficiency is that it's primarily driven by laziness. It's not really my own theory, I think my dad believes something similar. I've told this story before, right? After he finished grad school, he was applying for jobs and had an interview with IBM. They asked him to describe himself and he answered that he's lazy.

His reasoning, of course, is like I said, that efficiency and innovation is driven in part, maybe even largely, by some element of laziness. Being unsatisfied spending all this time doing something a certain way, and figuring out a way to do it faster, better. He believes (I think) that invention is frequently driven this way. I think it's true. The only concrete example I can think of at the moment is the creation of Perl, but yeah, I think there's truth to it.

Anyway, yeah, my dad's English skills didn't quite convey this well, so the interviewer just responded, "Lazy? That's... not a good quality." Whoops!

Lazy is actually a bad word for it. More accurately, it's a desire to do what they want to do, and compact as much as possible the time required to do other stuff. I say this because frequently (not always), people who care a lot about efficiency aren't really trying to be "productive" all the time. They have no problem spending lots of time screwing around. And that's the point. Not to be maximally productive, but to spend more time doing what you want, and the least amount doing what you don't. Shouldn't we all want that?

As for me, I'm the worst of all worlds. Spend copious amounts of time screwing around and don't care that much about efficiency. C'est la vie.

Dang it, I suck. I forgot Jason's meditation phrase already. What was it again? The risen Lord Jesus Christ has given new life to me?

For quite some time now, I've thought about opening a restaurant. For a while it was opening a soon tofu place in Houston. It's reached a critical mass of Koreans there where I think it would be successful. And after my Korea trip a couple years ago, I wanted to open up a kimbap place in the Bay Area. Another place I thought whose time has come.

Anyway, I find out today a soon tofu place is opening in Houston, and on the way to Tofu House I see a new restaurant next to Pho Hoa called Roll House that's exactly what I was envisioning. I'm so upset. Oh well, you snooze, you lose.

At least there's a place now where I can get tuna or cheese kimbap.

Dave has already written exactly this, and maybe even referenced Yao's book while doing this, but something Yao writes about why second generation Asian-Americans root against U.S. teams I think hits it on the head.

When I talk with ABCs, they always mix English words with Chinese words, always. I believe they're not sure what they are or what they want to be more--American or Chinese. I sometimes think they cheered for me when I came to the NBA not just because I was Chinese, but because they waanted me to be better than the American players. I was as if they wanted me to punish U.S. players for something some other Americans had done to them. Maybe that was supposed to make them feel good, as though I was getting back something for them.

That's what it is, isn't it? Deep down, we don't feel like we're completely accepted as "Americans", that Americans still marginalize us in some way, and we want revenge. I dunno, interesting.

I've always been a Yao fan, but I like him even more now. I kind of feel like we could be friends. Like, he quotes Spider-Man. His favorite game growing up was Street Fighter. And I love that he's friends with Teyo Johnson.

Some other quotes from the book I liked:

On big men:

The Beijing Ducks... had a center named Shan Tao. (Mengke Bateer joined the Ducks a few years later, and the two of them were known as the Twin Towers. This was before San Antonio's Twin Towers, David Robinson and Tim Duncan, but after the Houston Rockets' Twin Towers, Hakeen Olajuwon and Ralph Sampson. We need some new nicknames for teams with two big men.)

I met Bill Walton for the first time as I left the hotel for the workout. Walton was wearing a very funny T-shirt--all green and red and yellow--and he had on a tie but his shirt had no collar. He gave me one of those T-shirts. I thought, "What is he doing?" We just talked for a minute or two. He's always been nice to me and helped me, but from that day I've thought of him as a crazy, crazy guy. That was my first impression, and it hasn't changed.
...
Bill Walton talked to me about girls too. Walton is a funny guy. We talked more than once, and every time Colin [Yao's translator] would say to me, "I don't know how to translate for him. I'm not sure what he's saying."

A few places in California had Chinese food close to what I'm used to eating; there was almost no difference. But it's difficult to make Chinese food here taste the same as at home, even for my mom. If there's just a little bit of difference in the soy sauce or the beef or pork or chicken, it changes the flavor. They also cook many things in China that you would never eat here--mice and birds and snakes. Some people believe if it has four legs and it isn't a table or chair, you can eat it. They basically will eat anything that walks or flies that they can catch. Cat, rat, scoprion--if you can think of it, they probably will eat it.

On trash-talking

I want my English to get better so I can talk better trash, too. In the Asian Championships against South Korea, I blocked a 3-point attempt right in front of their bench and yelled in English, "Get out of my way!" I know that's not very good trash-talking, but I'm not sure if the South Korean players understood me, anyway.

Also has interesting tidbits, like the morning he shot that Apple commercial with Mini-Me, he took vitamins with what he thought was a glass of water but was actually gin. So he was wasted during the shoot.

OK, I'd do more but this is boring enough for you. Fun read for me though.

Finance question, since I took zero econ classes in college. This episode of the West Wing, they're talking about the ramifications of a certain announcement, and they talk about the effect it will have on the markets. One advisor says there will be more sellers than buyers, implying that markets will go down.

Someone needs to explain that statement to me. If I'm not mistaken, every market transaction necessarily requires both a seller and a buyer, you can't have one without the other. So regardless of whether markets are up or down, the number of sellers and buyers should always be exactly equal, right? Or does it mean there are more people wanting to sell than buy? How to you exactly measure that? Or does it mean something else I don't understand?

I have a secret talent: I can make balloon animals. I'm rusty now, but I can still do the basics. In my prime though, I could do some nifty stuff, like a parrot on a ring. My niftiest trick that I can still do is a story of Jonah, where I draw a face on the balloon representing Jonah, then there's a trick where you make the balloon into a big fish with the Jonah head rolling around inside, then get it to spit Jonah out. Pretty cool. I learned all this on a mission trip in high school. Same org that contactdp and nuwanda went on, same summer also, so I think they know these also.

I think a lot about why little kids don't "get" me and I've said this before, but the basic reason is that I'm averse to letting go. In general, with kids you kind of have to just let go of who you are and approach them on their level, be silly and all that. I just can't do that. Same reason I can't fast dance. You have to let go. I can't do that. I can do formal dance, because it's structured. But yeah, fast dancing and being silly with kids, I just can't do it.

I do have a secret weapon though, that Jieun has alluded to: unconditional love. Doesn't matter how many times they reject me, I still love them and I still try, and I think that makes a difference in the end. The kids that are warm to me, I think that's how I broke through. Didn't matter how much they were jerks to me. Unconditional love.

People seem to think I slam doctors too much so let me balance that with a fantastic doctor experience we just had.

So today was Abby's first visit to the pediatrician. Picking a doctor is somewhat stressful. All you have to go on is a picture and a one paragraph description and in the newborn club they only give you a few minutes to decide. I chose the one that seemed to have the best credentials; also his last name is the same as my high school friend's, one of those rare two syllable Chinese last names.

Anyway, we went today and in the course of talking he asks us our religious preferences. We tell him we're Christian and he responds that he's also a believer. Talked briefly about churches, then he did his thing. But what was cool was at the end, he said, recognizing that babies are a blessing, why don't we finish with a prayer. And we prayed.

That felt really good. Made me feel like he really cares for Abby's complete well-being, physical and spiritual. Also made me feel good because it felt properly humble, recognizing that doctors can do their best, but in the end, health comes from God. We came away feeling pretty happy about things.

So yeah, I don't know how many of you doctors do this already or are even able to in your situation, but if possible, do it. Goes a long way.

No one cares what I think, you just want baby videos. Jerks.

Here's one. Nothing interesting, she just has the hiccups. Sorry for the orientation and poor lighting, but I did what I could. Also, it's not her best angle, but whatever.

Abby's belly button fell off today. I actually find a lot of symbolism in that. Shows that she's changing. So fast. And it's really weird. Like, I think she looks really different from before. Chubbier, longer. And the way we think about her has changed. One of the videos I had, Jieun says in it, "aw, she peed" as if it's the cutest thing. It's not so cute anymore. Not uncute, but not cute either.

I actually find myself missing the way she was before in certain ways. She's only two and half weeks old! But I guess that's how it is now. A slow, irrevocable march towards maturity, and me trying to keep her the way she is. Sigh. Although Jieun's pretty eager for her to progress. Most notably towards sleeping throughout the night and smiling.

I've been reading a lot lately. Finished off Sting's autobiography (didn't get it. Strange thing to say about an autobiography, but he started and ended with these strange experiences that seem to be symbolic or meaningful but I'm too stupid to figure out what), The Know-It-All (Henry was right - I loved it, laughed out loud regularly, although it dragged after a while) and Angels and Demons (pretty good page turner. I wasn't as angered by the ridiculousness as Jieun).

I'm currently reading Yao Ming's autobiography, which Bobby got for me. I'm only a few chapters in but it's absolutely fascinating, especially his observations about Chinese culture. Like, in China, failure is the ultimate anathema, which he sees as bad, because success requires risk and they're too risk-averse.

Another fascinating observation he makes is that China for a long time was based on Confucian principles, but in such a way that stifled creativity. It wasn't even about the application of principles, but the memorization and recitation of them. They also primarily studies successful historical figures. And he has theories on that, also relating to failure. If you base your actions on the teachings of successful people in the past, if you fail, you can blame your failure on them, instead of taking the heat yourself. Fascinating.

Anyway, he attributes the Chinese system of piracy and cheap knockoffs of name brands like Rolex and Louis Vuitton to this mindset - instead of creating something new, the Chinese like to copy what's established. He theorizes that someday, when Chinese society is less Confucian and more creative, they'll have more Chinese watches and Chinese bags. I'm not sure I totally buy that analysis, but it's an intriguing idea.

I dunno, it's just a really interesting book. Language is kind of stilted, but highly recommended.

The scariest part of our last road trip, without question, was Henry's GPS navigational system. It's a great tool; I've actually wanted to get one from Jieun for some time. The thing is, I dunno if this is a general phenomenon or what, but Henry overuses it. We always set it so we never really learned the routes ourselves, and we become a slave to it. Always using the darn GPS thing.

The scary part was, well for one, Henry spent a significant part of the trip driving while looking at the GPS display rather than the road for long periods of time. After which he'd glance up and jerk back into the middle of the lane. Frightening. Even worse, the system tells you which way to go, but it doesn't always tell you which lane to be in. So we'd be driving along, then all of a sudden we realize we need to be two lanes over, so at the last second Henry swerves like a madman to get there. Scary, scary stuff.

And Henry didn't even realize it, because he was still staring at the display, where all was peaceful ("Recalculating route" is as disturbing as it gets), instead of the road, where there was chaos and despair. So yeah, I associate his GPS thing with fear and trembling.

Hmm, I got some interesting responses to my last entry. I think I should amend what I'm saying. I don't think my attitude in this area is better than anyone else's. Far from it. If it wasn't clear, I think it's worse, unhealthy. Nor do I think people should be like me in regards to this - if you are, for the love of God, stop it. I'm the one with issues, not the right one.

Basically, I'm the weaker brother. I could have sworn there's a better passage, but I can only find 1 Corinthians 8:4,7 which says: "So then, about eating food sacrificed to idols: We know that an idol is nothing at all in the world and that there is no God but one.... But not everyone knows this. Some people are still so accustomed to idols that when they eat such food they think of it as having been sacrificed to an idol, and since their conscience is weak, it is defiled." Different issue, same idea. I'm the one with the weak conscience. But the passage says although it's fine to eat those foods in reality, for some people, because their conscience is weak, it actually is defiled. For me, because I am messed up, for me to acquire certain things would be bad, even though it's not sin in reality.

That's about the only way I can explain it. I've said this over and over before. I know my attitude is messed up. But the weird thing is, even fully knowing that, it's hard to fix. Wise counsel like Mike, Ted, and Lee have encouraged me to be more free in the past. But as I kind of glean from the passage, I won't be able to get over it by just starting to buy stuff. Given how I am now, I would be defiled, like the weak guy eating idol meat. I need to change my conscience first, then be free to do things. But how do I do that? I dunno, pray for me.

Hope that makes sense. I'm the one with issues, so you are right to challenge my attitude.

I will say this though, in response to some of the comments. I don't know if this is what people are saying, but I'm disturbed by the attitude that, if people are bothered by me, that's their problem, not mine, hopefully God will change them but if not, too bad. Egad. That's not Biblical at all. I appeal to Paul, who absolutely asserted his freedom in Christ but simultaneously recognized that his actions practically had an effect on others, especially the weak, and was sensitive to that. We can do the same, I think, assert our freedom, recognize our rights, and at the same time, be sensitive to the effects that has on others, especially the weaker brother. Paul recognized that what we choose to do does have an effect on other people. And he didn't just leave it up to the Holy Spirit to change them; he changed his behavior, even being in the right. I definitely don't think we should be slaves to what other people think, and in many cases we probably don't need to change anything at all. I do think we should have the mindset of being sensitive though, instead of just asserting our rights and leaving them up to God. My opinion.

On a total side note, there was once this Christian contestant on Survivor who had this extreme issue with the Immunity Idol. She didn't want to be anywhere near it and kept saying weird stuff like, it's not the idol that brings us immunity, it's Jesus Christ. She was bizarro, but it did make me think - are we Christians kind of too casual with the term idol? Meaning, like American Idol, we have no problem with it. But maybe there is something screwed up about it, the adulation involved, maybe the show is appropriately named. Course I've never watched it, so. Plus all the winners seem to be Christians. So as usual, I'm talking out of me arse.

Maybe this will come across as judgmental, but whatever, it's what I think, and it's really just a personal thing, not something by which I look down on others. You may not believe me, but yeah.

So there are a few reasons why I'll never drive a luxury car. Not just buy, but drive, even if it's given to me. I'm strongly influenced by a particular experience I had a few years ago that burns in my memory. An acquaintance of mine visited the church I was going to. She saw a number of really nice cars in the parking lot and that bothered her quite a bit. The (mostly non-Christian) friends she hung out with were really into social issues and the poor. They'd never drive luxury cars; they'd use their money for the causes they believed in, that they valued. Contrasting that attitude with the church parking lot, where she saw all these nice cars made her ask herself of the people there, "where is their treasure?"

I'd classify this person at the time as either a struggling Christian or a non-Christian. And the luxury car thing was enough for her to never come back. You could rightly argue that she was too quick to judge. Absolutely true. At the same time, you can't say it's completely unfounded. In general, what you spend your time and money on says something about what you value. And in general, if you spend extra time or money on something, that says something about what you treasure.

I've heard all these things about what it means and doesn't mean to legitimately stumble someone and whatever, but all I know is, empirically, I knew a person who really needed to be in a church community, but a snap impression she got based on the cars people were driving turned her off. My suspicion is, other people we need to reach might feel the same way. And they might be the ones at fault, being too judgmental. But my philosophy is, I want to remove as many barriers as possible for the unchurched to come to church. It's one thing to challenge fellow Christians; with non-Christans, let's lower the bar and get them in church first before we quibble with them.

Also, I think there's a grain of truth to what they think, and I'm lucky in that, for some reason, I just don't care about cars at all. So I just can't in good conscience do something that is easy for me not to do and empirically causes unchurched newcomers to be turned off. Even if we're justified in this case, I don't want to be a part of it, since it's so easy not to.

My other reason is, and I've said this before, but I don't like being a slave to my possessions. Creation is good; the things God gives us are good. The thing is, we can own them or they can own us. If I had a really nice car, I know I'd be constantly worried about it getting scratched or dinged or stolen or whatever. My concern for my possession would own me, and that's not right. As opposed to how I am my car now. I remember about a year ago I ran into a wood support as I was backing out and left a huge puncture in my bumper. My car is so old and beat up, I didn't care at all. There's so much freedom in that. It's something I'm loathe to give up.

Lee has said I should just get a new car and scratch in right away; it's just a car. He's lucky in that he can be healthy in thinking that way. I can't. Probably because I'm so cheap; anything expensive overburdens me.

So yeah, no luxury car for me ever.

Based on Marshall and contactdp's strong recommendation, Jieun and I have been watching a lot of The West Wing lately; we're halfway through season two now. People seem to be crazy about this show, and I never understood it, primarily because of the only episode I had ever seen. In it, they took a cheap shot at a Dr. Laura type character that was so obvious, cheap and contrived, it angered me. Not that I like Dr. Laura at all. Just, it was so cheap it left me disgusted at its transparent partisanship.

That episode turns out to be literally the only episode like that; I've been pleasantly surprised at how balanced and respectful it's been, even of Christians. I dig that. Even John would have liked the episode we just saw - it involves these Chinese refugees who claim to be Christians seeking asylum in the U.S. The Pres talks to one to see how genuine they are (calling it a Shibboleth - nice reference) and when asking how he became Christian, the guy responds basically by saying through a house church. If I had been watching at 420 James, John would have run out of his bedroom from his daily devotional and rewound to rewatch it. Good times.

His speech was actually quite moving. He says how we do not prove we are Christians by the recitation of facts; we believe that we are justified by faith. Faith is our true Shibboleth. I teared up. I actually tear up a lot at the show. And the show lets me know exactly when I should be moved, by employing the Full House method of playing weepy music at the appropriate times. Angers me. Sadly, it works. Freaking manipulators.

Back to boring topics.

I was entertained by V For Vendetta. Wholly engaged the whole time while watching it. So I'm gonna say I'm more pro than con about it. My reservation is, I think I may be against the message. I'm unsure because even after thinking about it for a while, I'm not really sure what the message is. There are hints of something, and I think I'm against those hints, but no overall coherent message.

The one thing I came away with most: the Church needs to get the heck out of politics. Not that individuals shouldn't be involved. But the whole Christian organizations pushing a Christian political agenda is doing more harm than good, I think. It's clear from watching VFV that the world thinks the Christian right is a bunch of power hungry, politically motivated hypocrites. And that's a really bad thing for the kingdom, worse than any good we could achieve by what we're doing.

Henry is of the opinion (and I hope I'm not misrepresenting him here) that God's laws are not just spiritually beneficial but also practically so. A country enacting laws as closely aligned as possible with God's law makes the country practically better, even if the spiritual component isn't taken into account.

I kind of buy and respect that, but disagree. I think it's missing the forest for the trees. If I read Scripture correctly (and I might not be), the primary purpose of the Old Testament law was to show us that we can't measure up to God's law, that it's not possible for us to do, and because of that, we need Jesus. Not that it didn't have any practical benefits that made it not worth following. It's just, there was a problem when people saw the law as being the most important thing, and didn't see that it was meant to show something else.

I kind of think the same thing applies today. I think the most important task for Christians outside of worship is to reach the world for Christ. And that's why I'm against Christian political groups - the impression this leaves on the people we're trying to reach damages our most important cause. Would there be practically good effects in fulfilling the Christian political agenda? Quite probably. Meanwhile, we alienate tons of people, and the world comes to think of the "Christian right" as a bunch of extreme nutsos. Great. I think we're missing sight of what's most important.

This may be crazy, but I would take it pretty far. Just, Jesus (also Paul) had every opportunity to say, Christians, rise up and change this absolutely wicked empire. But they never did. Instead, they said render to Caesar what is Caesar's. Submit to the authorities. And they were some pretty frickin evil authorities doing repulsive things. Clearly, it's a little different when Christians have the opportunity to be a part of the ruling authorities. But regardless, I just see political activism as being way low on the priority list based on what Jesus and Paul taught.

I'm also standing on the 80+ years of Billy Graham, who in that interview with Newsweek I posted a while back said, when asked how politically active Christians should be, said we should be concentrating primarily on Bible study and prayer. Amen, Rev. Graham.

So yeah, my dream is of a day when the church would not be depicted as in VFV any longer, because we'd have the favor of the people, we would be known primarily for doing good, not for being power-hungry political blowhards. In the grand scheme of things, I think that would do far more for the kingdom than whatever we hope to gain by the current type of Christian politial activism.