Commentary on the Keith Lee Slams part 2

Because I’m a loser, here’s my commentary on the rest of the Keith Lee slams. It will be brief, and likely boring. I just want to show where stuff came from, mostly.

After I wrote it all I realized there’s virtually zero information content. So, reader beware.

xacto Member	At work, Keith only takes one bathroom break a day. Except he doesn’t go in the toilet or urinal. He goes in the sink. In the kitchen. Right before lunch. Come on Keith, that’s just sick. At least use a seat-cover.	Pretty good post. Just, it’s harder and harder to be original. Which is why I had stopped posting for a while.
diva JBB Moderator	day…uh…54, i think? keith has a strange way of introducing himself; when he first met Rich Shin, he incessantly kicked him in the shins until he started to bleed. When he first met Henry Hsu, he grabbed Henry’s shoes, soaked them in acid, and threw them in the trash. God only know what he would do if he ever met Dick Butkus.	I thought it was pretty hilarious. Yeah, everything was set up for the last line, but it was funny, something we hadn’t seen before.
xacto Member	Keith just released a new book. It’s titled, Thursdays with Morrie: an old man, a young man, and fistfuls of stolen loot. No respect, Keith. None at all.	Fair post.
xacto Member	Keith recently showed me his collection of earwax. He asked me if I wanted to donate any of mine, but I declined. He said that he’s trying to make a set of crayons. No more Nyquil for you, Keith.	Would have been a great post before, but everything’s been seen already, including the double-hit strategy. My favorite word in these commentaries is strategy, by the way. But yeah, the double-slam strategy has been seen, so it lessened the impact of this one.
xacto Member	Whenever Keith sees anyone put on a cardigan, sit down, cross their legs, and tie their shoes, he starts to spit profusely. So much so that he dehydrates himself and has to go to the hospital. Uh, what did you do with the straitjacket and jumpsuit, Keith?	Pretty weak, I thought. It just feels forced.
xacto Member	After receiving some e-mail encouragement from both of his friends, Keith finally went to San Quentin to talk with the inmates. He found this to be so helpful that he now goes to visit every few days. Keith, they said therapists, not [b]the rapists[b].	Pretty weak. This was John Yoon-esque. That’s not good.
gushndez Member	Keith hears those sleigh bells jingling ring ting-tingling too.	Weird, and oddly compelling.
daveyue Member	Keith sponsors a child for Compassion International, and every Christmas he sends her a nice, warm, luxurious fur coat. Uh Keith, she lives in the Honduras. It’s a TROPICAL region? And if you’re going through all that trouble, at least give her a REAL fur coat.	I dunno, I liked it. Absurd, and kind of Dave Hong flava.
daveyue Member	http://washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A7669-2000Nov30.html Keith, that wasn’t very nice.	I never clicked on it. Maybe it was funny.
jdyoon Member	(ouch, guys. didn’t think my last one was THAT bad. let’s see if this slam gets better) Keith makes kissing noises in his sleep. Feces, Keith, feces.	Pretty bad, John. Stick to prophecy, is my advice.
darkim Member	Keith broke into Martha Stewart’s home and redecorated. So cruel. And tacky.	Pretty weak.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Here’s Keith’s favorite knock-knock joke. quote:Knock knock. Who’s there? Keith. Keith who? Keith Lee.Idiot. [Note: This message has been edited by dcfly]	I don’t know, it amused myself, and that’s really the most important thing. Just, what an idiot, to totally not understand the point of a knock-knock joke. Yeah, it wasn’t great, but I was burnt out and just had to put up something.
dcfly JBB Moderator	At Hilary Clinton’s first Senate meeting, Keith Lee stood up and publically accused her of actually being a man. Keith, you had no right to do that. That was just a lucky guess.	Again, it amused me.
andrewwong Member	Keith bad	?
xacto Member	To try to stay hip with the trends, Keith pierced his knee. You’re cool, Keith, real cool.	I like the ending comment, but not a special post.
diva JBB Moderator	quote: Are you tired off high air conditioning costs? Buy the new Keithotron 2000 for $1/month GUARANTEED* to keep you cold!” (* not a guarantee) It was an offer I couldn’t refuse. But to my dismay, the Keithotron 2000 turned out to be just keith lee, clad only in speedos and a bow tie, blowing his breath in my face. at least he could have brushed his teeth. egad–think about investing in a toothbrush, keith.	I thought it was pretty bad, to be honest. Partly because Dave quotes that “not a guarantee” line about 8000 times a day. So, maybe it was funny to other people.
gushndez Member	Keith, believing himself to be the Pope, announced today that he is permanently rescinding the traditional “blessed” status of the world’s meek. When asked why, all he said was, “Screw the Meek!”	I thought this was pretty funny. Screw the meek. Nice.
ericmao Member	keith, i think the shelling is over. you can safely come out now. for dave’s reference, today’s exchange rate is 1216.55 to 1. hmm, on second thought, keith, go back and hide until the exchange rate improves. i’ll tell you when to come out.
henryhsu JBB Dictator	Keith hates Clara Kim.	Got me thinking.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith hates Clara so much he stopped using Clearasil, just because it sounds similar to her name. Might I add, with disastrous results.	Pretty weak, but again, it amused me. I think I used to call Clara Clarasil. I thought the last line was mildly amusing.
andrewwong Member	Keith, your time in the spotlight is almost up. Clara is now the flavor of the week. I suggest that you post something soon lest you start to fade into obscurity like Al Gore. Show us some love, man.
Ryu2 Member	After the “Senior Prom Incident”, classified CIA intellegence reports indicated that shortly before the abortive Iraqi strike on the carrier, Hong Kong tycoon Keith Lee had secretly transferred funds into Swiss bank accounts, believed to be connected with “front” companies for the Iraqi military-industrial complex. Hmmm…	Honestly, it wasn’t that long but I still couldn’t get through it. So, is it funny? I don’t know, I never read it. Even now, writing this, it’s formatted so I’d have to scroll across to read it all. Too much effort.
diva JBB Moderator	keith lee found mwang’s long clara post funny.	Basically expressed what we were all thinking. What the heck did that long post mean? Meta.
dcfly JBB Moderator	At Keith’s Christmas party, he serves reindeer steaks to all the kids, each served with a bright red maraschino cherry on top.	Yeah, pretty weak. I just decided to bring things back with a vengeance. The cherry of course is a reference to Rudolph.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith was at the Middle East peace talks and almost ruined things by putting a whoopie cushion on Arafat’s chair.	Not very interesting or creative. Just stubborn.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith invented New Coke. Not the soft drink.	Pretty bad, it’s a second order copy of one of Gus’ RSG posts.
gushndez Member	Keith perfected Olestra.	I don’t get it.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith created the steel wool jock strap.	Amused me because it’s so utterly absurd as a concept.
dcfly JBB Moderator	When Keith cooks for others, his favorite ingredients are MSG, saccharine, FD&C Yellow No. 5, and cyanide.	So, I was thinking, how diabolical, to use ingredients that are suspected to be bad for you. Cyanide was a weak ending, but I couldn’t come up with something stronger.
dcfly JBB Moderator	After the LSD underwear incident in 1980, Keith’s parents decided not to have any more sons.	Again, the “don’t tell everything” strategy. I don’t know, I just wanted to incorporate the fact that he’s an only child, but I couldn’t come up with anything more creative.
dcfly JBB Moderator	After the phenomenal success of the song “All For Love” for the Three Musketeers soundtrack recorded with Bryan Adams and Sting, Rod Stewart decided to record a new song, and invited Keith Lee to participate. Keith, the ignoramus that he is, kept talking to Stewart about his great work on 20/20 and his new show The View. What a faux pas.	I stole this from Jim Rome, where he was slamming Rod Stewart as being a housewife and a Barbara Walters lookalike. The way he did it was pretty hilarious. So, this whole post was centered on that. The first part is random knowledge. This post also started a series where I made random ending comments.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith flashed the Rev. Billy Graham in San Antonio. Et tu, Keith?	So, there’s a famous story where some woman flashed Billy Graham on the street and he promptly turned around and ran for minutes, literally fleeing from sin. This is based on that. The last comment is just random, but amusing to me.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith had a brief stunt as the guy who talks to people threatening to jump off of tall objects. His modus operandi? “Jump! I dare you. I double dog dare you. I double dog dare you with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” Smooth, Keith. Real smooth.	This was pretty bad. Nothing good about it.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith convinced Pan Am to invest millions to develop his idea for an ejection seat on a helicopter, with disastrous results for everyone involved.	Based on an old joke about Polish inventions. Others included the inflatable dartboard, the solar flashlight, the parachute that opened on impact, and other bad jokes.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Self declared investment guru Keith Lee wiped out thousands of people in a reverse triangle money-making scheme. Each person was required to send a letter to 7 more people, but instead of sending money to the top name on the list, they were to request money from the top name on the list. Idiot.	I thought it was pretty funny, just an scam that’s guaranteed to lose. And the earlier you get in, the worse you do.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith Lee did miserably in every spelling bee he was ever in, because no matter what word he got, he would instead spell “penis”. E.g. 1985: “Braggadocio. P-E-N-I-S. Braggadocio.” Sophomoric, Keith.	Again, amusing myself. It’s funny to imagine. Anyway, I was in the Santa Clara County Spelling Bee in 1988 or so, and I lost on “braggadocio”.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Don’t let Keith circumsize your baby. Let’s just say he has bad aim. To say the least.	So, again moving Keith around to different professions, being bad at all of them. This is based on a true story, believe it or not.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith trained his pet tiger to rip out the tongues of his guests, simply so he could say to them, “Cat got your tongue?”	The whole thing built on a bad pun.
dcfly JBB Moderator	I don’t know what type of statement you’re trying to make with those skintight biker shorts, Keith, but make it somewhere else.	So, I rather liked this post, just because of the delivery. It wasn’t fresh or outrageous in light of other posts, but, it’s simpel, and I like my own delivery.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith sleeps naked and bathes in his pajamas.	This amused me also, because it was short and sweet. And absurd.
diva JBB Moderator	we all liked the movie ghostbusters too, keith, but, the “picking your nose, flinging your boogers on other people and saying, ‘i slimed you!'”-thing is getting a bit old.	Pretty weak.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Hey Keith, flammable and inflammable are synonyms, not antonyms. Jerk.	Not a great post. Based on Cheers, where Woody talks about the words meaning the same thing, and how he learned that the hard way. The ending makes it decent, but not great. What could that mean? Jerk? Who knows?
diva JBB Moderator	in his recent televised debate with atheist George Bernard Shaw was quoted as saying: quote:you believe in “science”, huh? Well, your “science” says that there is line around the earth called the “equator”, and, i’ve been there several times, and i’ve yet to find it! what do you think of your “science” now? God, I’m with you on the whole “shaming the wise with the fools” thing, but, this time I think You’ve gone a bit too far.	Uh, this made me uncomfortable. Don’t slam God. But, the first idea amused me.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Don’t ever play Outburst with Keith. When he’s guessing, all he does is unleash a steady stream of profanities so loudly that you can’t hear anyone else. Hey Keith, *?@! is not a Meg Ryan film, nor it is a common kitchen appliance. Grow up.	This was inspired by a game of Outburst we played at a YAG dinner a while back. Just, while everyone else was playing, I obviously was thinking of ways to be absurd. And, it worked. At the end of every guessing session, I’d say “Hitler” and it consistently got a laugh, and other people started doing it. Anyway, this is one of the things I thought would be funny while playing Outburst, if someone just spewed a steady stream of profanity.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith, it’s J.T. the Brick, not J.T. the Pr—. Way to make a grown man cry.	Pretty weak, as it’s been done too much already, but, still amusing to me.
diva JBB Moderator	when asked who his role model was, Keith Lee, Miss Illinois 2001, replied, “Henry Ford. Because without him, LA wouldn’t be the smog-filled waste land that it is today.” Don’t you just despise people who hate LA?	It wasn’t really funny, just kind of interesting, realizing that we’re huge losers.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith read the following statistic in the newspaper: quote:Most accidents occur within 5 miles of your homeSo Keith moved 10 miles away.	A direct copy from the Smothers Brothers show. This guy had a sketch about things he wanted to know. One of them being, if most accidents occur within 5 miles of your home? Why not move 10 miles away? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? When you ship styrofoam, what do you pack it in? If every 4th child born in the world is Chinese, and you have three kids and your wife is pregnant… If toast always lands butter side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you drop a cat with a piece of toast butter side up attached to its back? I don’t know why I remember random thinks like that so well, but I do.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Pediatrician Keith was concerned that the size of his butt was way above the national average. Way above. So, every time a child came to visit him, he secretly injected huge amounts of collagen into the child’s rear. Keith, the ends do not justify the means.	I’m both incredibly proud and incredibly embarrassed at this post. But, I started out wanting to have that ending, then came up with the setup, which makes it either an incredibly brilliant or terrible pun. I don’t know if people picked up on that.
diva JBB Moderator	i eagerly anticipated the release of Office 2000. little did i know that head programmer Keith Lee set it up so that any time you made a spelling mistake, a little keith lee icon, clad only in a bow tie and speedos, would pop up, point his finger and laugh at you for 5 minutes. Think of the dyslexic! and the Canadians!	Not that great a post, I thought. Can’t really explain why.
diva JBB Moderator	keith lee recently broke all existing records with his new Christmas album, “A Charles Ivesian Christmas”, selling negative 2.2 million copies in the first week.	I thought it was pretty hilarious, just the concept. And the absurdity.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith, quit that knocking at my door. Keith Lee arm-wrestled Natalie Portman – to death.	Yeah, so I liked the last one so much I had to comment on it. The second part, I don’t know, just trying to be absurd, but not over the top so.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith Lee was Matt Frasier’s music theory teacher.	An Urbana worship team slam. Matt Frasier apparently majored in music theory. I just want to know who his teachers were and if they’re aware of what he’s doing.
xacto Member	Keith, believing in the “age of accountability” and that dead babies go to heaven, bombed 23 hospital nursuries across the nation before being caught. When apprehended, he was dragged away from his bunker in Wyoming, screaming, “I’m growing your nation, Lord! This is all for You!”	I’m not sure I understand it, but Keith’s comments are funny.
xacto Member	During New Year’s, Keith bought a stash of illegal fireworks and started setting them off in his backyard. Unfortunately, some of the fireworks flew inside his neighbor’s house and burned it down. It’s residents died in the fire. One of them was Joe Isuzu. Good job Keith. You killed the 46th wonder of the world.	I don’t know know, it amused me. I appreciated the random 80s reference.
dcfly JBB Moderator	xacto didn’t mention what they found in the bunker: 45 pictures of Britney Spears, a butter knife, and 2 jars of peanut butter, one chunky, one smooth. Sketchy.	How could this be sketchy? Random.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith Lee, trying to cash in on the success of Sisqo’s “The Thong Song” recorded and released “The Depends Song”. MTV has yet to recover from the fallout of the video.	I thought it was funny. It was kind of based on SNL’s commercial parodying Depends called Oops I Crapped My Pants. Just, try and imagine the video.
dcfly JBB Moderator	In Bio 44Y, Keith and his partner Val’s project proposal was to match up different numbers of ants of different species and make them fight, to see with each combination which species would kill the other species first.	I dunno why, but I decided to share true stories and attribute them to Keith. This is me. The Bio avisor said it was unethical, but honestly, that thought didn’t occur to us when we were doing it.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith, having total disregard for authority, would leave his seat and shamelessly sprawl out in the aisle to sleep during lecture.	This is Dave Hong.
dcfly JBB Moderator	IV frosh conference was really good for everyone. The seminars had gone well, worship times were great, and people had formed meaningful relationships. So at the last session, they have a testimony time where they can process what happened that weekend. Most people talked about how grateful they were, how challenged they were, and generally said good things. But Keith goes up there and says simply, “I think I’m going to try FiCS”, making everyone uncomfortable.	I don’t know if other people remember this but I do. It happened at our IV Frosh Conference. SN. We sang a song there with lyrics like, “You have been my strength O sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth…” I hated this song. Just, it felt like we were singing without thinking about what we were singing. Just, how can we collectively sing that when it’s not true for all the people there? The “since my youth” part. I don’t know, it just bothered me. It bothers me when worship teams don’t think about the lyrics and implications. Anyway, yeah, someone said nearly exactly this, except CCC instead of FiCS. I won’t say who it is, because only a few of us know him. But yeah, it’s a true story.
dcfly JBB Moderator	You may have heard the Vineyard song “Call The Elders”. It’s a repetitive, inane, and thoroughly bizarre song – good for a laugh, but not much else. But Keith Lee insisted that we sing this song at FiCS after officer elections, even though no one knew it, there was no transparency, and it was clearly inappropriate. The look on Pastor Harold’s face trying to sing this stupid song was classic. Good job, Keith.	This was me, after FiCS officer elections 1996. Dave was pretty mad about it, but it was actually pretty funny.
keithlee Junior Member	hi, this is keith lee from hong kong. i’d like to thank you guys for the loving messages you guys have sent me in this forum. i’ve really been encouraged by you all. after reading all of dave hong’s posts, i can but only reaffirm this statement about Dave Hong: for from him and through him and to him are all things. praise dave hong! let us continue to worship this man of vision. he shows us by example once again romans 12:9, “love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit.” what a man of God! ok, let’s end this forum please and redirect our resources and mental faculties for better things. i really “appreciate” this forum but we all know that it’s getting a little foolish and so i think i want to reply back to this forum so it’ll end for good. okay, bye bye from hong kong.	And that’s the end. Kind of sad, because after all that work, Keith will probably never post again. But oh well, all good things must pass. Bad things, also.
dcfly JBB Moderator	Keith Lee ruins peoples’ innocent fun.
ericmao Member	no way. 163 words and not a single appearance of the word “tight”? that can’t be the real keith lee.

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