I thought a lot about my life today. I’ve been interviewing with startups and research places. Actually, I’ve interviewed with a startup and research places. But I’m leaning towards the startup. Just because it’s an opportunity that may not present itself again. A good experience, I think. But I’m far from settled about it.

The money thing continues to haunt me. I don’t know, I’ve heard many good things about money recently, for whatever reason, and had a couple good talks about it, but it still worries me. Making a lot of money that is. I still think it’s wrong to pursue anything with the motivation of making money. I think even having it as a high secondary motivation is pretty bad. Just because the Bible seems to say a lot about money. More than heaven and hell, in certain Gospels, as Pastor Eugene pointed out.

Dave mentioned a while back how one possibility is to make a bunch of money, use it to secure your children’s educations, then go back to living a reckless, radical lifestyle, since you don’t have to worry about shortchanging your children. Other people have said they just want to make money for a little while, to pay off loans or something, or to take care of their parents, and whatnot. And you know, these are all good things.

I just think realistically, it’s hard. I don’t know if I can handle it; I guess I have to eventually in life. But the thing is, these positions aren’t only associated with a certain salary, but a certain lifestyle. And I can see it already in people I know – their lifestyles have taken a considerable jump in opulence since college. You know, the pleasure travel, the expensive recreation, the food, and everything else. It’s not always them paying for it themselves; sometimes the company does and whatever. But regardless, it’s a higher lifestyle.

And while it’s easy to go from a lower lifestyle to a higher one, it’s hard to go from a higher lifestyle to a lower one. You just get used to it. I’ve talked about this before, how I was disturbed at my food standards. But really, my standards of food have gone up and it’s really hard for me to revert to the way I was. It’s just a really hard thing.

Anyway, I’m just saying it’s hard realistically to have the “just for a little while” attitude. You get used to a certain lifestyle, and it’s hard to go back. Realistically, you should do now what you plan to do forever, and deal with whatever path that is. But moving from high to low is hard. Not impossible, and it happens, maybe frequently, but it’s hard, I think.

Anyway, I think I worry about money more than anyone I know, I mean, about making too much, not about making too little. I don’t know if that’s healthy, but it’s just a hard issue for me.

Anyway, I was daydreaming today, as I am wont to do, about what I’m going to do with my life. One common dream I’ve had is to start a church. John gets me thinking about this a lot. But you know, our parents were about our age when they started our churches, so why can’t we? It’s not that simple, but you know, it can be done. I’ve written about my ideas for church many times before so I won’t rehash. But I’ve been thinking about church a lot.

For some reason, I was reminded that I’m not Presbyterian. That’s a serious problem, considering where I go. I’ve said this for years, but I know eventually I have to leave KCPC, just because I don’t think my theology jives with theirs. I actually don’t have a problem with the big things, it’s just how it’s played out that bothers me a bit. Like, you know, infant baptism and confirmation. This is what got me thinking. I honestly don’t think infant baptism is a clear Biblical mandate. The Scripture used on Sunday was a shaky defense, at best. I mean, you can believe it, I just don’t think it’s easy to say Jesus instituted it. And I also don’t understand what’s wrong with baptism by immersion, since this is pretty much recognized as the way Jesus was baptized. But you know, I’m not a big stickler on this. I just don’t think my kid will be sprinkled at birth.

And like TULIP, you know I read it, and I don’t really have a problem with any of it. It just plays out strangely, if that makes any sense. Like the attitude towards evangelism and stuff. I just think it’s skewed too far to one side, even though it’s accurate.

Anyway, some day I think I’ll have to leave, but I hate leaving on a bad note, and I feel if I left KCPC now, that’s how it would be. I want to leave it strong, or stronger because I was there and helped. But I was just thinking about this. We’ll see what happens long term.

I was dreaming most about my goal of having a recording studio. Actually, I want to start a small record label. I’ll own a studio where they can record and stuff. But my bigger dream is to have a coffee shop / club, where the artists on my label could perform to practice their stuff. You know, it’d be really cool, a chance for them to practice, and for people to hear good music.

Actually, what I want to do is hold house. I don’t know if you know who Jon Brion is, he’s this great musician / producer. He produces Aimee Mann and wrote the soundtrack to Magnolia. Anyway, he plays in this place like 4, 5 nights a week. I’d like to do something like that. Just play a bunch of eclectic stuff with a bunch of different people. The coffee shop / club would be my venue. And of course, I would rock.

I don’t think I’m naturally a performer, but something about music brings that side of me. A weird thing about me is that whenever I listen to anything, I’m always thinking about how I would perform that song. I mean always. Maybe not peform myself, but I think, how would I arrange that live? Who would I get to play / sing the different parts? I’m constantly thinking stuff like that. I think I’m pretty good at it also; like when I’ve arranged stuff for church and whatever, it usually turns out pretty well. I have a decent ear as to how to put songs together with different feels. At any rate, I’m always thinking that. It’s a weird thing about me.

The past week I’ve been listening to 2 songs pretty exclusively. One is The Howling by Rich Mullins. It’s my favorite Rich Mullins song. The second is You’ll Never Know, by Rachel Rachel, another fave song. Anyway, I listen to them over and over not just because I like them, but to pick out all the instrument parts. Like, I know pretty well how every instrument and vocal part goes to each song, except for drums. Why do I do this? Because I’m thinking how to perform it. I never will, it’s just something I do.

Anyway, my dream would be to have a club where I could form a band and perform covers of my favorite songs. It’s something I’m good at, and would love to do. Maybe someday.

So I have this vision of an FiCS missions fund. So you know, all the FiCS grads are pretty much in positions where they will be making decent money, or well on their way to such positions. Wouldn’t it be great if we all hooked up and made a network so that if anyone went on missions, we would all find out about it and be able to provide considerable support? My grand vision is to support 50% a full time person. But I don’t know, in the short run, we could hook up a bunch of working people making money, and when someone wants to go on a trip, they could contact the FiCS Fund, everyone involved would all find out about it, and we’d be able to provide support.

I don’t know. Henry knows I’m just a visionary, not an implementer. But it’s a cool idea, no?

I’m growing weary of the J Bulletin Board. It just seems to me to lack the substance that is the hallmark of thought pages. It’s just harder to separate the wheat from the chaff. I just think the BBS is a fad; the thought page is here to stay.

Maybe what it is is that I prefer a soapbox where I can write and no one can respond. Or I can ignore responses I don’t want to read. I only really care when Henry or Dave slam me. Everyone else either doesn’t slam me or I don’t care what they think.

I was talking with a friend at church today. We went on missions together two summers ago. Anyway, she’s going back for a year long stint in August. She’s actually going with another guy from the same trip. I just thought that was really awesome.

I know when everyone comes back from missions, they think their experience was the best ever, and that their team was so special, and all that stuff. And they’re probably right. But still, our team, and our trip was particularly incredible. At the end of the trip, one of the members decided she wanted to stay for the year. So in a matter of a month or so, she raised up support for the year and immediately went back. She’s still there. And now two more people are going back.

I really think there was something special about that group of people and that trip. 3 people wanting to go back for longer terms! That’s remarkable, I think.

You probably won’t read this in time, but I’m giving the sermon for the KCPC kids tomorrow. It’s a long story why that happened, but it turns out I have to do it on Easter. I had this nice message about Jonah using balloons that’s really dope, but I figured it being Easter, I would be remiss in not talking about it.

Anyway, I shouldn’t be nervous, but I am. This isn’t CS 157; the stuff actually matters in life. Anyway, wish me luck and pray that I don’t lose any souls.