From the Onion:

Recount Reveals Nader Defeated

TALLAHASSEE, FL– A third recount by Florida election officials has “definitively determined” that Green Party candidate Ralph Nader was defeated in the state. “There was a very significant 25,603-vote discrepancy between the first two counts, with Nader losing by respective margins of 2,812,339 and 2,837,942, so we decided to conduct a hand recount,” Florida Attorney General Jim Smith said. “We now know that Nader lost by precisely 2,821,278 votes.” It is not yet known whether Nader lost to Gore or Bush.

Witty. Actually, all of today’s issue is pretty funny. Some stories:

  • NBC News Reverses Earlier Report of Gore’s Death
  • Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S.
  • Bush Executes 253 New Mexico Democrats – Retakes State’s Five Electoral Votes
  • Clinton Declares Self President For Life

The last one’s funny because of the picture. They pasted his head onto the body of some dictator wearing his hat and military medals and sash and everything. It’s pretty funny.

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