So I got a 118 on Minesweeper over the weekend. But it means absolutely nothing.

Did I ever mention why I got into Minesweeper again? I was talking with Bev Yang and she said how her best score was in the 120s. That got me intrigued. I checked my score and it was 144, and I thought I could do better than that. I’m kind of secretly competitive that way. I dunno how to explain it. I never get angry about competition. Never swear on the court or get heated or whatever. But with certain things, I’ll just be quietly driven about it.

So I got down to a 123. Then Bev got down to 111. I could not believe it. Saturday afternoon, I was supposed to meet some people for basketball but I started playing Minesweeper instead. I finally got down to 118 so I left it at that and went to play.

When I got there I was telling a friend how I was mentally frazzled because I’d just played Minesweeper for an hour. You know, clicking and thinking like mad. My brain was still racing. Then he drops a bomb on me. His current best time is 94. That’s insane. I was literally in shock. Even crazier – after talking to me he’s inspired to play again and that night he gets a 90.

You don’t understand how demoralizing that is. It’s not just a better score, it’s orders of magnitude better. I haven’t even come close to approaching that, ever. I’ve lost all confidence. I’ve even questioned myself whether it’s worth trying anymore, whether I even have the capability. You know how I feel like. I feel like those opponents of Kenshin who after learning how awesome he is, have to talk to themselves before facing him. “Can I do it? Is it possible?” And I don’t know.

The other thing is, Jieun thinks I’m a loser. She’ll walk into the room while I’m playing, say “loser” and then leave. I dunno, I guess it’s something I need to let go.

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