I’m still thinking about what to do with my life. You know, in the background, there’s always been music, as something I’m “passionate” about (relatively speaking). But I was thinking last night and I’m not even sure about that.
Here’s the thing. I’m not sure if it’s that I like music itself, or if it’s the fact that I’m good at music that I like. I still suspect it’s the first, but I’m not certain. I’m probably being over analytical about it, but I wonder.
Just, in my mind, I want to do something I’m passionate about for its own sake, not something I like doing because I’m good at it, better than other people at it. For some reason, that makes a difference to me. And with music, is it that I like music? Or is it that I’m better than most people at it? Is that what makes me like it? Just being better than other people at it?
When I was a kid, I hated piano lessons. I remember I started to like it a lot more when I realized I was better than most people, when I started rapidly falling towards the end of the program (roughly ordered by proficiency) in my piano teacher’s annual recital. So maybe it’s just being better that I liked.
But then, my enjoyment of music skyrocketed when I started playing jazz in 7th grade. So there must have been something about the music itself I liked. But then again, maybe it was just that I could do something that no one else in the school could do. I dunno.
In college, I remember certain classes that I didn’t like very much while I was taking them. Then I end up getting really good grades in them, and that completely changes my perspective on things. I find after the fact that I loved those classes. But I didn’t really. It’s just doing really well made me like it a whole lot more.
So yeah, there’s no one thing in my life that I’m passionate about over all other things. The things I am somewhat passionate about, I’m good at. And I’m not sure whether I’m good at it because I’m passionate about it, or I’m passionate about it because I’m good at it. And for some reason that matters to me. I dunno, random and boring.