“When we are not living up to our true vocation, thought deadens our life, or substitutes itself for life, or gives in to life so that our life drowns out our thinking and stifles the voice of conscience. When we find our vocation — thought and life are one.” – Thomas Merton

Egad, that quote (from this month’s Christianity Today) hit me like a load of bricks. Just the thought substituting itself for life thing. I think that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I think there are 3 levels of being – existing, thinking, and truly living. Something Eddie once said (actually has said many times) sticks with me a lot, how for a long time in his life he just existed. He didn’t think at all. You know, I think the past couple years I’ve done the same thing, I’ve just existed, not thought. Actually, I need to qualify that. This applies mostly in regards to vocation and calling I guess. But yeah, no real substantive and conclusive thought about it, just kinda did my thing, went on existing.

I think very recently I’ve been thinking more about vocation, but that’s all it’s been, just thinking. And practically, there’s no real difference between that and just existing. Either way I’m just paralyzed into doing whatever I’m doing. I just feel vaguely more unsettled about things when I think about. But no change, nothing like that.

I dunno, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve been saying this over and over, but I don’t want to settle anymore, I want to be deliberate, I want to feel called, I want to know why I’m doing something and really do it – I want to live. To reach a point where thought and life are one I guess. That’s an awesome phrase. “Thought and life are one.” But what does that mean practically? No clue.

I know this rambling makes sense to no one but me so sorry, sucks for you. I guess what it is is this. Kinda at least. I don’t think I’ve been ever been deliberate about my future. (Outside of church and marriage. Which I guess are 2 huge things. But whatever.) That’s why I settle, I just kind of sidle into things. That goes with the schools I went to, the jobs I’ve had, whatever. And I dunno, I want to be more deliberate about things.