When we were dating, Jieun and I used to go out for sushi all the time. After we got married and fiscal reality sunk in, we stopped going, and I forgot how much I enjoy it. We had good sushi a few weeks back for the first time in months and with each bite I felt like I was coming alive. It was amazing. A part of me had died and I didn’t realize it.

I think a part of me has died musically also. There was a time when music made me feel totally alive. Dunno if you know who Reed Arvin is, he used to produce for Rich Mullins and now is some bigshot author, but his first book was a story about a Christian artist who gets chewed up by the Christian music industry, when all he really wants to do is play and feel the joy that comes from that. I totally resonated with that, and I’m not sure how many people can relate. But some of my favorite times in college were being in a room by myself playing piano, just the pure joy of playing. I used to do it fairly often. After college I’d play on Jieun’s roommate’s keyboard. But it made me feel alive.

I’ve lost that feeling, and I didn’t even realize it until recently. I’ve been developing a bit musically in certain areas and I’ve started to feel the stirrings of that alive feeling I used to have. But it’s just stirrings, and that makes me sad, because it means a part of me has died. I think I need to buy a keyboard or something, to feel that life again. I dunno.