Childhood and Identity

We’re getting to the part in The West Wing where Bartlet has to deal with his father issues. (SN. I think TWW is a good show. Sometimes great. But I dunno, I enjoy many other shows much more, so I don’t quite get the hype. SSN. The Simpsons on Sunday, first one I’ve seen in a while, was hilarious. I can’t believe the show is still good.) This is something I think about a lot, how things that happen in childhood can leave a permanent mark on a person’s sense of identity.

It’s definitely true for me. For most of my life, I was geeky looking, super-skinny, and non-athletic. I’m still all those things, it’s just less pronounced now. But yeah, I think my friends from freshman year in college would say the same thing, that I was pretty nerdy looking. In fact, they do say so. But anyway.

Point is, I always thought of myself as unattractive, and at heart, that’s still fundamentally how I view myself. And you know, it shouldn’t matter anymore, right? Now that I’m married and all. And objectively, I know it doesn’t make sense. I had girlfriends in junior high and college. Jieun, a beautiful woman, married me. So I know I must be attractive to some people. There’s no point in telling me that; I already know. But it’s not a head thing, it’s a heart thing, and I’m not sure how to ever get over that.

So yeah, I go through periodic waves where I feel unattractive to everyone in the world, and for some reason, that makes me feel kinda unloved, too. And it all stems from my childhood. Weird stuff.