Danny ChaiI think I’ve mentioned this before, but after you have your first kid, it’s a weird mix of exhaustion and boredom. Exhaustion because you constantly have to feed and change the baby every couple hours, so you never get solid continuous sleep. But boredom because, in between those feedings and changings, the baby really doesn’t do much at all. You’re not working, you can’t really go out; you’re just stuck at home not sleeping. It’s really quite boring. Jieun and I ended up plowing through 7 seasons of The West Wing after Abby was born.
With the second kid, it’s been more exhausting but still a little boring. More exhausting because, due to the first child, you can’t take naps during the day (although Jieun has inexplicably been doing nearly all the nighttime stuff by herself so I have zero reason to complain, and I’m not). But honestly, it’s still a little boring. Jieun has been adhering more to the Korean thing and not going out, and it just gets cabin-fevery real quick. I’ve been taking Abby out for like 90 minute walks and man, those get repetitive. I’m dying for some sort of activity, some sort of purpose. Jieun is bothered that raising Abby isn’t purpose enough. I have no good response to that, other than that I am a sucky parent.
I was kind of worried about Abby getting jealous of our attention when Joshua came, the classic syndrome. And she has been bratty lately, although that might be because she’s sick (an ordeal in itself – in an effort to keep myself or Joshua from getting sick, I’ve been washing my hands every 5 minutes). But it’s interesting – when we held Joshua, she (at least initially) didn’t ask to be held herself; she asked if *she* could hold him. Which suggests to me that she identifies more with adults than babies. Which kind of makes sense as she typically gets more adult interaction than fellow kid interaction.
People mentioned that we seemed more relaxed this time around. That’s pretty accurate. I still remember how carefully we handled Abby at first, and how shocked we were at the nurses relatively physical handling of her. Our over-careful handling continued with her for a while. Now, I think we have the mindset, eh, he’ll live. Slight jaundice? Eh, he’ll live. Just give him some sun, no need to freak out. Sleeping a little too long, maybe missing a feeding? Eh, he’ll live. We’re not extreme about it, we’re just not hyper-concerned this time. It didn’t really add much value the first time around. Although I do wonder how things would be different if Abby did have problems.
So we have a postpartum nanny for the first three weeks. Apparently, it’s a standard thing in Korea. And it’s awesome. She does everything – cooking, cleaning, taking care of Joshua (diapers, holding, certain feedings), laundry. I basically have to do nothing but entertain Abby.
I also find it exceedingly comfortable to have someone who feels virtually like a slave. On several levels. One, the whole Korean thing is about respect to your elders right? It’s even built into the language, I feel like. Supposedly the newest generation in Korea is losing that, but I live out Korean society from 30 years ago, and it just feels really weird to have an elder serving me in that way.
I think it’s how extreme it is. Like here’s an example – she had to go shopping at the Korean market and didn’t have a car, so I took her there. When we got back, I grabbed a couple bags from the trunk to take to the apartment. When she saw that, she literally ran to the apartment to drop off the bags she was carrying so she could go back to the car and grab all the rest before I got any more. That’s just extreme; it’s just carrying a few bags, I really don’t mind. But that’s what it’s been like. I’ve gotten increasingly lazy about dishes and cleanliness in general so as not to make her feel uncomfortable; the Henry principle of calling my own laziness a blessing to others.
Additionally, it just feels counter to the mindset of a Christian, who is supposed to serve, not be served. Ranking myself on servanthood on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d put myself at a 4. I think about how to serve a lot, in my opinion more than some others. But I’m not a true servant because I have to wait to be asked; true servants just inject themselves in service without being asked. Jieun comments on this all the time, like when I’m at the in-laws. I’ll take my dishes to the sink, but just ask if I can do the dishes, instead of physically moving her mom out of the way, which is apparently the Korean (or at least her mother’s) way. Or like, say we’re on a road trip in 2002 and there’s not enough pillows for everyone. I’ll just say I don’t need a pillow. A true servant will immediately remove all pillows from his proximity and claim that he never sleeps with a pillow. The true servant is proactive about it. I’m not.
But I still at least try to have on my mind how I can serve, and so this whole nanny thing grates on me, and I feel like it’s building bad habits. I’m not ungrateful. But I can’t help but feel uncomfortable. Besides that, it’s pretty sweet, if you can afford it. (How we can: Facebook offers up to $4000 on new baby related expenses in the first couple months. It’s use it or lose it. You better believe we’re using it. The benefits at work are absurd and cannot possibly last for too long. I’m insanely thankful that we’re able to partake while it’s around.)
I’ve also learned that I cannot live on Korean food alone. For the past week, those non-Korean meals that I’ve eaten outside the house have been like manna from heaven, the preciousness of which cannot be overstated. I cannot believe how good cheese tastes. It’s amazing.
I’m a little concerned how things are going to go when the nanny’s gone. Taking care of two kids simultaneously is still almost inconceivable to me. eProps to parents of 2+ kids.