Danny ChaiI insist on getting a real Christmas tree every year (as opposed to a fake one) mainly because, if I’m honest with myself, that’s what my family did growing up. Usually, it’s no big deal, but experiences like this year’s make me wonder if we should switch to using inauthentic, Christmas-smellless, spiritless, but hassle-free fake trees.
We got it at OSH after work one night. Problem one: no lights outside where all the trees are. So we just kind of pick one based on its dim outline and hope for the best.
Problem two: the tree is too big for our car. No biggie. We brought a tarp (thank you Baylight emergency kit), stuck it on the roof of the car and strapped the tree on top.
So we get home and realize problem three: the stem at the bottom isn’t long enough to fit in the stand – the branches start too close to the bottom. So I look for some sort of tool to saw the branches off. The only thing I can find is the “saw” implement on a pocket-knife (which I think may have been given to me at Joonho and Susan’s wedding). I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to actually saw with a pocket-knife saw, but it’s slow, tedious going, to say the least. But with no other option, I saw/rip a bunch of branches off to give more clearance at the bottom.
We bring the tree inside and place it on the tree stand, at which point we discover problem four: not only was there not enough clearance from the branches, but the trunk itself is too wide for the stand. Panic. So I go back to OSH to find a different stand. It’s closed. So then I go to Target (which, as it turns out, is open until 11 throughout the holiday season). There is but a single stand left for sale in the store. I had hoped there would be some options, and that I could choose the stand with the widest mouth, but there are none, so I get it.
Go home. Try the tree on the stand. It fits – kind of. About a inch goes in. Not enough to be stable, no matter how hard we try to balance it. So we’ve got to hack off more of the trunk’s diameter. With a pocket-knife. I think the best description for the ensuing process is blood, toil, sweat, and tears. Not recommended.
With much effort, we get about an inch more of the tree into the stand. The stand is such that there are 6 screw holes in vertical pairs, each pair 120 degrees from the others. We only get enough of the tree in to reach the top 3 holes, but that ends up working, and the tree stands up, reasonably stable.
But wait, problem five: the stand is designed such that the whole thing is filled with water. And we need to fill the whole thing with water to have it reach the trunk, which is not entirely in the stand. But since there are holes where screws are supposed to go in, the water will leak out of the bottom set of holes before it reaches the tree. Jieun suggests putting in the other screws anyway, even though they won’t screw into the tree – at least it will plug the holes. Good idea. So we do that, and pour in water. Problem: the screws aren’t water tight. Water is leaking out. So Jieun uses crazy duct-tape patchwork to plug the holes.
This is totally unrelated, but I either have severe allergies or I’m sick, because during this entire lifting/sawing/screwing/taping process snot is streaming down my face.
But it’s up now, next to the poinsettias that are dying due to cold and lack of water. Was it worth it? I can’t smell it due to my nasal congestion. But it is nice having a tree. Next year though, we’re getting the most anorexic tree we can find.