I’m writing in the Serra computer cluster, using a Power Macintosh 7100/80.
My mom came today for parents’ weekend. Anyway, I had to wait for her to
call. She said she’d call in the afternoon. So I’m sitting there, in my
room, waiting for her to call. But she doesn’t. Anyway, I have to stay
there, right, and there’s nothing for me to do, so I start doing work.
Gosh, I got so much work done. It was inspiring. So that’s my story.
Today’s thoughts are about FiCS. They might be a little scattered, and a
little blunt, but I’m gonna go through with it anyway.
You know, last year was really hard for me, in terms of choosing
fellowships. I was in both FiCS and IV the whole year, and pretty
involved in both. Anyway, it was draining. Choosing one was just as
difficult as being in both. I spent like a month thinking and praying,
and the answer didn’t really come to me for a long time.
Anyway, I eventually chose FiCS. And a lot of my reasons for doing so
were interesting. In terms of friends, I would have chose IV. Because
basically, all my friends, both close and not so close, were in IV. I
knew a lot of people there and felt really at home there. I knew all the
people in FiCS and everything, but basically they lived separate lives
and hung with a different crowd than I did. I felt like I knew them all
right, but I would never really be close to them, or be a part of their
lives. So if my decision were to be based totally on friends, and where I felt I would be
most at home, I would have stayed in IV.
In fact, I wasn’t really sure what the point of FiCS. I mean, I’m really
down on the idea of having too many fellowships. I feel like there’s
enough disunity among Christians already, and having yet another
fellowship would just add to that (FiCS didn’t exist until last year).
Especially since there already was a Korean Christian fellowship and an
Asian American fellowship. I felt like, what was the point?
Despite this, I stuck with it anyway. And I’m glad I did. I still felt
pretty uncomfortable most of last year. But I liked the church and the
leadership, and felt I would be able to serve better there.
One of the reasons I think I felt uncomfortable was just that I felt like
our priorites were a little different. Well not priorities, just friends,
I guess. I came here with a strong desire to have strong Christian
fellowship, and that was something I really seeked and cultivated, and I
basically said forget everyone else. I mean, I wanted to be friends with
them, but it was totally much more important that I have my circle of close
Christian friends who I could encourage and be encouraged by. So that’s
what I did; I made friends with people I think who had the same mindset I
And I felt like other people in FiCS weren’t really the same way. I mean,
I knew they were totally devoted to God and doing His will, but in terms
of friends, things were different. I guess a lot of them came from LA and
places where there are tons of Asians, so when they came here, they
continued with the Asian thing. I never had that, so that was a little
different and strange to me. Anyway, a lot were into the Asian thing –
AASA, KASA, whatever, and not as into the Christian clique (cuz that’s
what it really was) as I was.
And to be honest, I think other Christians might have looked down on
them. Including myself, probably, at one point or another. It’s like, how
can light have fellowship with darkness? I really did commit the sin of
self-righteousness, thinking they weren’t as serious as I was about
faith. I mean, they hung out with mostly non-Christians, which is no big
deal, but they shared in “non-Christian” activity also. So I think I and
others might have had a bad impression. Let me stress again, this was
sinful of me.
And I say it was sin because my views totally changed. First of all, I
got to know everyone better and found their hearts were as passionate, if
not more so, for God. If anything, they were better, as they were free of
pride, which is worse than anything. Moreover, I felt like they had
opportunities I had denied myself – being able to reach out to others. I
had locked myself into my little Christian world, my Christian clique,
that I cut myself off from other people, so there weren’t really people I
could reach out to, since I didn’t know them.
The other people in FiCS had much more of this opportunity though. They
could reach out, because they had chosen to be friends with them. They
hadn’t been self-righteous in forming friendships. And they took
advantage of their opportunities, reaching out to their friends, inviting
them to FiCS or church, sharing with them once in a while whatever. And
that was really encouraging.
I felt like I had found a purpose for FiCS. It served a role that no
other fellowship on campus served. It was made of members whom other
fellowships might judge as not being as committed, as they were into the
social, AASA, whatever thing. But it wasn’t a bad thing – it was a great
thing, that God could use. It reached people that other fellowships
couldn’t, because they had closed themselves into their Christian worlds,
the same way I had. The growth of FiCS wouldn’t be based on taking the
most Christians, but by making Christians. And I thought it was great. So
in spite of my uncomfortability, I wanted to be a part of that.
I’m writing all this because I’m wondering what FiCS is now. This might
sound odd, but at the beginning of the year, I felt really guilty when
our welcome night and first few meeting went well. I just hated the
feeling like we were competing for freshman, or something like that. I
mean, IV people were good friends of mine, and I felt like I was stealing
from them or something. I felt like telling everyone to just go to IV. I
guess I just hated the feeling of competing for freshman Christians.
And I felt guilty when people would ask how FiCS is going. Because, it
was going well, since it was growing and all. The thing is, our growth
was all from Christians already. I felt like our growth came at the
expense of other fellowships, and I felt guilty, for some reason. I mean,
I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I just wanted our growth to come
because we were reaching out to people, making new disciples, new
Christians, using the opportunity I thought that we had last year.
I felt even guiltier (even though 1) it wasn’t my fault and 2) it’s not a
bad thing) when other Frosh starting coming over from other fellowships.
Again, we were growing, but now it was even more directly at the expense
of other fellowships. And I felt guilty. But let me stress again, my
guilt isn’t logical. I’m really, overwhelmingly glad that everyone that
is in FiCS is here, and I love everyone dearly. I just wish that somehow
every fellowship on campus could grow together.
So now we’re pretty big. And like unity is a big deal, and we’re totally
into the body-building thing, hanging out together, encouraging one
another, etc., which is all good. The only thing is, I feel like I’m
getting trapped in my Christian clique mode again. All the opportunity I
kind of felt last year, I don’t feel like I have as much anymore. It’s
just a different feeling. FiCS has been really good this year, but I feel
like the opportunity is gone, because we’ve become the same thing;
getting caught up on internal stuff, rather than on the outside world,
the people who really need to be reached.
And I am the most guilty one, because I’m totally in a place where I can
just be comfortable, and everything is cool. Like with the fellowship,
with my draw group, and with my dorm. It’s so easy to be comfortable and
all that. And I’m in my comfortable extended Christian clique. But I
don’t like that.
I want to seize the opportunity again. I don’t want myself or us to be so
insular. I want FiCS to fulfill the role on campus that I felt needed to
be filled so much last year. I wish that more AASA freshmen were in FiCS.
I wish we welcomed and seeked people that other people might look down on
as being compromising. I wish I could stop being so judgmental and be a
little more loving, of all people around me. I wish we wouldn’t be so
caught up in being a fellowship of Christians and concentrate more on
being a Fellowship in Christ. I wish our fellowship was a place where
non-Christians could come and feel welcome, not looked down upon or
uncomfortable. I wish we were a fellowship that wanted more “weak”
people to come, instead of looking for the strong. I wish we could be
more of a hospital, where the sick come to be healed, instead of a
country club, where the already rich come to lounge around and hang out
with each other.
I don’t know what I’m really saying. Just rambling, I guess. But it’s
late and I should go to bed. Laters.