Danny ChaiI’m writing in the Meyer computer cluster, using a Power Macintosh 7100/66.
Today’s thoughts are going to be totally random. So bear with me, Dave,
Kevin, Paul and Chi-Hua.
I found out that my thoughts have become discussion starters, and that
kind of worries me. Because my thoughts really aren’t good, edifying
things to be talking about. Talk about Pastor Dave’s sermon on Sunday.
That would be better. Even better, let’s do it.
My mom came to Stanford for Parent’s Weekend this past weekend. It was
really cool. We had a good time hanging out and stuff. I realized over
the weekend how much I love my mom. I mean, there are lots of reasons why
I should, but I have the utmost respect for her.
She grew up in a tough environment, really poor and she felt like her
parents really didn’t care. Anyway, she was the oldest of four, and she
learned that if she wanted anything in this life, she had to do it
herself. Well, she did it well, and she succeeded well, and she is the
most capable person I know. I mean, if she says something is going to
happen, no matter how absurd it may sound, it will happen. I have the
most faith in my mom out of any human being I know.
Actually, I realize I could go on and on about my mom, but it would take
way too long and some of it is personal family stuff, so I’ll skip it.
But basically, I totally respect and love her.
Anyway, I think I would want to marry someone like my mom. I mean, she’s
really pretty (although, of course, that doesn’t matter) and she’s so
capable and cool. Ask my drawmates. She took us and a couple friends out
to eat at Chef Chu’s. Anyway, she was the hit of the dinner. I mean, I
don’t mean to brag, but she’s unlike most Asian parents. I mean, her
English is awesome, and she’s cool enough to joke around and be sarcastic
and whatever. Anyway, she’s cool. She’s a great mom.
Anyway, she and a bunch of her old fogey friends got together at my buddy
Minho’s house and they were talking and stuff, and I was kind of there
but not really, but the scary thing was they were talking about marriage
like maniacs. Like their children. A family friend just got married on
Saturday. The thing is, her mom had been fasting and praying one day a
week for years for her daughters to find husbands. Isn’t that crazy? Well
I guess it worked, as the first one is married now.
Then there’s this other family friend, a girl who once used to baby-sit
me when I was a wee lad. Well, she recently got engaged. The thing is, I
guess she wasn’t originally interested in this guy, but supposedly, he
fasted and prayed for 5 days, then asked her dad permission to ask her
out, then I don’t know what happened but they are engaged. Crazy stuff.
What’s up with the fasting and praying for spouses?
Okay, then I talk to my really good friend’s mom, and he’s had this
girlfriend for a while now, and (this is really scary) his mom was
talking about their marriage potential and stuff. This totally freaked me
out. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean, this guy is younger
than me. I don’t know if he shares his mom’s mentality, but it freaks me
out, regardless.
And another friend was talking about marriage and stuff too. Basically,
this weekend I was super saturated in marriage talk. It was insane.
So I’m thinking, why is God doing this to me? It could be a test, or a
sign. But a sign of what? That I’m next? Who could it possibly be? Eli?
That’s the only person I’m ready to accept right now.
I saw Braveheart last night with Eddie, James, Charlie, Leo, Mark, Glen,
and Arthur. Great flick! A man’s movie, for sure.
Anyway, the whole first part is about some chick, then the movie finally
gets going and he fights for freedom and all that. That really got me
thinking about this weekend. The point is, girls only distract me from
the real issues. Like, thinking about marriage and all that, raising a
family, whatever, it just stems from a desire of mine to have a normal,
comfortable life. You know what I’m saying? I want to get married so I
can just be comfortable and everything.
But I realized that essentially, I don’t want to have a comfortable life.
I want to live for a cause, like Mel Gibson, not for a comfortable life.
Because, that is meaningless without the cause. For him, it was like, I
could have that, and survive, but it would be meaningless without
freedom, so he’ll sacrifice it to get the freedom. Well for me, it would
be meaningless unless I was doing the will of God, so I’ll seek to do
that and forget looking for a comfortable life. Here’s a good line from
the movie –
Everybody dies, but not everybody truly lives
So I want to live.
The thing is this — I get caught up in a hero mentality. I mean,
honestly, I want to seek glory for myself. Like, sure, I want to
sacrifice comfortability, but would I really be able to do it if I wasn’t
acknowledged for it? I mean, people want to be a Braveheart, but what if
you were just some schmoe who couldn’t fight, think, woo women, or speak
Latin and French? But you shared the same principles? You would be
sacrificing just as much, you just wouldn’t receive any credit. Man, it
would be hard for me. My bold claim is it’s easier to be Braveheart than
the forgotten man who’s just as dedicated, but in the background.
It’s so hard not to want glory for myself and seek only praise from the
Father. It’s almost impossible. Like this week I found out that the one
and only Jimmy Ahn got into Harvard Law School. And it was like wow,
that’s great. And I’m proud of him. The thing is, I found myself wanting
the same thing like that. You know, worldly glory. Wouldn’t it be great
if people went around saying, yeah, Danny got into Harvard Med, or
whatever? Yeah, it would be great. Heck, I’d love it. And that depresses me.
I mean, I want to be humble, and not be acknowledged for my worldly
success. It’s such a struggle for me. Like a part of me wants to be
acknowledged so badly, to be recognized as being the best at something. It
would be so hard for me if God’s will was for me to be a humble unknown
(bachelor) ticket counter somewhere in the Texas panhandle. You know what
I’m saying? I have such a strong human fleshly need to be known. And it
drives the other side of me crazy, because I want to be secure in God
alone, and be totally humble to the point of seeking to be an unknown,
unacknowledged, faceless whatever, just doing whatever God puts in front
of me.
This, I realize is making no sense, and maybe I should move on.
You know, all my life I have been the most encouraged and inspired by
people who live quiet, faithful lives. I’m just totally drawn to them. In
fact, I would say almost all my close friends are really quiet people.
There’s just something about their humility that I admire intensely. It’s
something I want to be.
In fact, I love my friends a lot. I have found that I surround myself
with people I really admire. My friends are all people who have qualities
I wish I had. Sometimes we don’t even need to talk; just the way they are
encourages me to be better than I am, to be more like they are. I don’t
know who’s reading this, but if you are, get to know my friends, because
they are all cool people, and you can learn a lot from them.
I’ve digressed beyond the point of no return, so with that, I bid y’all a
fond adieu.