I just took a Philosophy midterm. I realized that I’m getting dumber. Things that used to be totally easy for me are now so much harder. Like memorizing things. I used to be able to memorize things just like that. But now it takes forever. I don’t know what’s up with that. It sucks, at any rate.

Now that I think about it, I realize that the older I get, the dumber I get. In all things. When I was in high school, I used to think I had my faith pretty much figured out. I mean, I knew everything I believed, had thought about a lot of questions people often have, and thought I pretty much had an answer for anything. Or with like academics. You know, I was pretty decent at math, and at one point in my life I really thought that I could learn all math.

But the older I get, I think the dumber I get. Like with my faith, I find that now, I really don’t know anything, and have more questions than answers. Things I thought I knew I realize I don’t. Maybe I’m just less mature than I used to be. Or with math, I mean, it’s insane how little math I know. I’m getting dumber. It’s scary – I’m afraid that eventually, I’ll become a complete idiot.

I went to this arcade last night with some FiCS people. It was a lot of fun. You know, back in my younger days I used to totally be into the arcade thing. You know, especially Street Fighter and stuff. There’s this total arcade subculture which I remember I always thought was odd. It’s not just about winning, it’s about winning in the right way. Like you never talk, you never look at your opponent. If you’re cocky enough, you talk with your friends (or your girlfriend) who’s just watching you. You totally gotta keep your cool. I remember the weirdest thing was how after you won the first round, it was customary to give the second round. Odd, huh? I used to be cocky about it, and totally waste the guy first round, then when I was about to beat him second round, I’d basically let go of the controller and let him win, getting him mad, then the 3rd round I’d make it close, but beat him in the end; that way he’d keep pumping his money in. Yeah, I was bad.

A while ago (maybe 3-4 years) at this arcade I went to – Keystone, there was some time of shooting. I think people might of been surprised that something like that could happen, but I think people who play these games know it’s not that surprising. I mean, the beauty of these games is that it’s all one on one, less luck involved than pure skill, you know? If you beat someone, it’s cuz your better. That’s why people play. They could care less about beating the computer – it’s all about beating other people, cuz that means you’re better than them. I remember people who just couldn’t take losing, and they’d get really furious. Anyway, it gets scary sometimes. I mean, you want people to realize, yo it’s just a game, but it’s more than that. It’s like determining who’s better as a person.

I sometimes feel it’s this way with sports, too. It’s like we identify ourselves with a team in weird ways. You know? We use odd inclusive language like, yeah, we beat the Lakers last night (and the world rejoiced) or we picked up Charles Barkley or whatever. What’s this we nonsense? We basically have no connection to the team at all that justifies the use of the word we. But we do. And because we do, it’s like when the team is doing well, we are somehow better as people, or when we’re doing bad, we’re worse as people. It’s just weird how being connected with a group somehow makes us better. Like I find myself saying Tiger Woods went to Stanford, and I’m all proud and that. What’s up with that? What does that have to do with me at all? Am I somehow cooler or something for that? No. But it’s something that happens. It’s weird. I realize in reading this over that it makes no sense but who cares. I don’t need to clarify myself for you.

You know, it’s really hard being a Christian. It’s like, people in the world seem to think that Christianity is for the weak, you know? A crutch for people who can’t handle things based on their own strength. But man, I tell you, the more I learn about what living a life of faith is, the harder I realize it is. It’s harder to believe than not to. Heck, if it’s based on our strength alone, it’s basically impossible. But it’s hard.

You know that Rich Mullins song, Hard? It just talks about how it’s hard to be like Jesus. That’s the truth. It’s hard to turn the other cheek, hard to bless when others curse you. It’s hard to be a man of faith, it’s hard to be like Jesus. Anyway, it’s definitely hard for me. You know, I’m a little sensitive to people being annoyed at me. But I guess what the hardest thing for me is that I feel like people don’t realize how much of an effort I’m making you know? I mean, effort in terms of trying to be less annoying, and also in not getting annoyed at other people. I mean, how many times have you heard of me getting annoyed at people? Probably rarely if at all. Man, it’s not easy to do that when everyone’s always getting annoyed at you. It’s just hard, and especially so when people don’t realize that, and just want you always to change the things that annoy them about you and don’t realize that maybe they might sometimes be annoying too.

What the heck am I saying. I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t have wrote that, and will probably take it down right quick. But it’s hard not getting annoyed; in fact, it’s hard doing anything and not getting acknowledged for it, or even worse, getting flack for it, or being misunderstood. But I guess that’s what Christianity is all about – we do things not for credit or glory in man’s eyes, but solely for God. But I think I don’t often realize how difficult that is. Man.

I realize, of course, how arrogant I am, thinking somehow I am better than anyone else, which of course I’m not, and I realize any shortcomings I see in people is multiply evident in myself. Even worse I think is the hubris in not recognizing people who do the things I try to do in much greater abundance. But regardless, it’s still hard.

That’s all the heresy I can manage for now. Good day.

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