My life is just such an interesting thing. It’s just so odd to me how my life came about the way it did. I think I’ve realized that I am destined for a life of solitude. That doesn’t mean a life of being alone or being lonely, but really a life of solitude. It’s interesting how that works. And why that is. I think one thing is just activity. Like I know this guy and he’s super involved at church and has been since frosh year of college, but I think the price he paid is that his relationships were based on the activity he did, and apart from it, it’s hard to figure out where his friends are. I think I’m like that a little bit too. My life really is wrapped up in a lot of activity, and sometimes apart from that, it’s hard to tell where the true friendships lie.
But I think my situation is better because I do have true friends, and for that I am grateful. I just always feel bad since because of all of my activity, I am not able to invest the time in them as I would like. (“Investing time” in people is a very catchy phrase with Christian fellowships at Stanford, and I would guess, at other campuses too.) It really makes me kind of sad.
I think my biggest crime is that I give the impression that I don’t need people or that I am too busy with other people to be with whoever. I don’t know why I give that impression, but I get the feeling that I do. I think every single friend I have thinks that yeah they are a friend of mine, but they’re not one of my real friends or close friends and he doesn’t have time for me. It’s the feeling I get.
I also think I will never be able to succeed in life because I hate playing the game. I can’t really explain the game, it’s just that in everything in life, it seems there’s these unwritten rules you have to follow in order to succeed. Like kissing up to teachers and social schmoozing and stuff like that. I think my conscious desire in life has been to succeed on my own terms, without having to go through that nonsense. So in high school, everyone played the kiss up game and get super-involved with things you’re not really interested in. Not everyone, but generally, that was the rules of the game. So me, I did basically no activities (except for church) and most of my teachers didn’t know my name. I’m serious about that. And I’ve done OK, but I don’t think I can last much longer. I guess I need to learn to schmooze or lose. Just a random feeling I’ve had. Especially going to CS198 meetings.
I’m also kind of sick and tired so this my mind may not really be too coherent.
Anyway, in high school, honestly, I was pretty much a loser. I mean, people didn’t really know who I was. It’s always a little bit tense when I get together with ex-Bells at Stanford because they didn’t really know me in high school, becuase I was a loser. But it’s OK. I was pretty involved at church too, but even there, I think I was pretty much a loser. Meaning, I was never one of the “cool” people. I think when I say stuff like this, people like Dave Hong don’t understand what I mean, because strangely enough, they were once part of that crowd, although Dave Hong is now pretty much as deep in the loser end as you can go. But i was never cool for all of my life, and in fact a loser, so i have become very sensitive to this type of thing. I can’t explain it. But in every group, there are cool people and not cool people. In high school maybe it’s the jocks or whatever. Even at church, there’s a cool people society.
And to be honest, that always disturbed me, because the cool people at church tended to be the same people who were cool at school. Not that they weren’t great people, it just disturbed me that the same qualities led to social success in both the world and at church. I just had this idealistic notion that at church we would base our relationships and our values and what we looked up to at things that were different from the world. But in the end, I found that it wasn’t really all that different. Which made me a little bit cynical. But whatever. That happens.
Anyway, even at church I was a loser and I remember I decided once that I would be king of the losers. Meaning, I wanted to be that guy that reached out to people that everyone else wouldn’t touch. You know, like Kevin Lee. (Ha! Just kidding Kevin.) Interesting side note though is that Kevin was hard core into cults for a while. Not in cults, just into them, in a pretty unhealthy way. But I digress.
I wanted to be King of the Losers, and I think I did all right. Well, not really but I did better than most people. But I don’t want to get into what I did. Who cares anyway.
Anyway, I’ve always been the guy that people forget. I don’t know what it is about me, but people have always had trouble remembering my name. My teachers never really know my name in high school. I never really stood out becuase I always figured out the minimum amount of work I needed to do to get an A. So my grades were good, but I never stuck out. Except maybe in math, but my teacher hated me because I was basically too smart for his system. Ha ha.
Anyway, maybe it’s my posture that makes me so forgettable. Or something. But people always forget me. Even in elementary school, I remember how surprised I was that my sister in 1st grade would go back and visit her Kindergarten teacher Mrs. Wayker and say hi because when I was in 1st grade and I saw Mrs. Beach I would just get a blank stare.
Even now, it really does take people a while to learn my name. It’s true. But something happened at Stanford and suddenly, honestly, like people know my name for some reason. And how this change came about totally fascinates me. I don’t think I’ve really changed, so how my environment has changed is a mystery to me. Because honestly, I don’t think I’ve gone out of my way to do anything.
One person I can blame is Paul Lee. I love him and I hate him. But he has this nasty habit of talking about me that irritates me to no end. It’s just frustrating when I meet someone and they say that Paul has said a lot about me. I think he’s better about it now, but still he needs to stop. I’ve retaliated against him by telling many people embarrassing stories about Paul. For example, when he was in first grade, my aunt was his Sunday School teacher and apparently he was a handful, and he would always be saying stuff like, “I don’t need to listen to you. Do you know who I am? I’m the pastor’s son.” Ha. This story always kills me because I can totally imagine Paul Lee doing that. In fact, he uses that line in Worship Team a lot. Ha ha, totally kidding about that, Just getting my revenge on Paul. OK. Tense.
I’m struggling with the issue of general vs. limited atonement. To be honest, I think general atonement sits better with me, as it seems like you have to apologize or explain away the Scriptures less with this, but then on Sunday Eddie just threw my whole thinking for a loop. Because if Jesus died for all people, and really took upon God’s wrath that all men’s sins deserved, then what wrath is left for non-believers that He should send them to Hell? Think about it; it’s not an easy question to answer.
Today is Eli’s birthday.