I think I have a bad case of senioritis. The worst part is, it’s not just an academic senioritis, it’s also social. What I mean is this: regarding academics, a part of me just doesn’t care anymore. Like I have these classes, and to be quite frank, I don’t care too much whether I do well or not. It’s just not important to me anymore. It’s a weird feeling. It’s
also a feeling of complete helplessness, because I feel like things are just utterly beyond my control. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

But it’s also a relationship senioritis. It’s like I’m people saturated, and meeting and getting to know people just isn’t as important as it used to be. In fact, it’s almost a bit irritating, because once you meet someone, it’s like you have some sort of responsibility with them, as nominal as it might be, and I don’t have the time or energy to play that game anymore.

The problem is I’m pretty convinced now that this is sin. Not caring about people. But it’s tough. In fact, I don’t even know how I used to do it before. Like how the heck did I ever visit people or get to know people? Beats me, cuz I don’t know how to do that at all anymore. I see people, in particular freshmen and sophomores, getting to know each other, and it fascinates me how something like that is possible. Maybe I just can’t relate how people have that kind of time. It’s amazing to me. I mean, really, it amazes me, it’s like I’m in awe of it, and not exactly sure how that happens. How sad.

I hate being a human male. Like being human, and basically weak and essentially weak is bad enough, but then we have to compound it with being males. It just sucks. The only good thing is we never get pregnant but there are other things. For example, B.O. Sometime during sophomore year I discovered that I have body odor when I don’t shower. And this was a revelation. I always thought that body odor was something Asians generally didn’t have to worry about. But one night, I’m lying in bed, and my arms are behind my head, and I start thinking, “Do I smell Indian food?” And it was me! So depressing. At any rate, I think by sophomore year, all my male friends started to smell. It’s not that bad usually, but like when you walk in a guy’s dorm room in the morning (a 1 room double) it’s like whew! Open a window! I get that every time I walk back in the room from a shower. I don’t know what me and Irwin do to stink up the room, but man, it’s effective.

Anyway, I’m just struggling with being a human male and it just pisses me off sometimes how weak and lame I am. It sucks.

Pastor Dave is kind of into catch phrases sometimes and one he used 2 weeks ago at FiCS is practice patience. Practice Patience. I think this is the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I mean the hardest. And I think this reflects how my faith in God is lacking. By my actions, I just show how I don’t believe that He is working things out for my good, that he has the best in plan for me. Instead I feel this terrible urgency to do things, to stake my claim, to do whatever while the opportunity still exists. Ack.

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