Last Christmas, my dad gave a sermon at church how Jesus ushered in a new age of miracles. How we, as believers should be experiencing them through Jesus, and that really, our experience of miracles should be the norm, not the exception.

Well 1999 is rapidly coming to a close, and I find myself asking whether I have really experienced any miracles this year. Pretty much the answer is no, because I haven’t been praying for miracles. If I’m really honest with myself, I haven’t really even wanted any miracles. How wrong is that.

Fortunately the year is not over. I do believe that Jesus performs miracles to this very day. And I do believe that as followers of Christ, that’s something we can experience, and what’s more, we should. I’ve got some miracles on my mind right now. We’ll see what happens.

The new Caedmon’s Call is great. Some of those guys express things really well. Just some stuff that’s on my mind. Anyway, here are a couple song lyrics and what they mean to me. Bear with me. I know that most of the time, when people put song lyrics on their pages, you just ignore them. Well at least I do. But read these.

Derek Webb

I ran across an old box of letters
While I was bagging up some clothes for Goodwill
You I had to laugh that the same old struggles
That plagued me then are plaguing me still
I know the road is long from the ground to glory
But a boy can hope he’s getting some place
But you see I’m running from the very clothes I’m wearing
And dressed like this I’m fit for the chase

No, there is none righteous
Not one who understands
There is none who seek God
No not one, no not one

I am thankful that I’m incapable
Of doing any good on my own

‘Cause we’re all stillborn and dead in our transgressions
We’re shackled up to the sin we hold so dear
So what part can I play in the work of redemption
I can’t refuse, I cannot add a thing

‘Cause I am just like Lazarus and I can hear Your voice
I stand and rub my eyes and run to You
Because I have no choice

I am thankful that I’m incapable
Of doing any good on my own
I’m so thankful that I’m incapable
Of doing any good on my own

It’s by grace I have been saved
Through faith that’s not my own
It is the gift of God and not by works
Lest anyone should boast

I’ve realized recently how much I suck. Let me elaborate. I was rereading some old myminds recently, and I was just rebuked. I don’t know. It just seems my thought processes recently have been so secular. Not Satanic, just not very spiritual. There’s something really wrong like that. I’m not saying we all have to be like John Yoon, but if we’re citizens of heaven, heaven should be on our mind a little, yeah?

Anyway, I said before that I’m easily the most evil person I know. What I meant is, well, my dad once defined wickedness in a sermon as being knowing that something is wrong and doing it anyway. Intentionally being sinful. It’s one thing to unintentionally sin, and another to be wicked. Anyway, that’s me.

The other thing is, I’m just the most hypocritical person I know. Meaning, not only do I do what I know is wrong, but I don’t do what I know is right. Worse, I think people think I’m pretty good about doing good things. Ack. With my friends, I am always struck by how sincere they are. Not necessarily totally mature or whatever, but sincere, which really is all that matters.

So with me, I’d say I have a pretty good knowledge of the Bible, even of theology, and I would say I have worked out a lot of the possible problems of the Christian faith satisfactorily in my mind. And yet none of this translates to true faith. I am the worst person at reading the Bible, praying, and (this is my constant prayer request) practical loving. That is, not just saying or feeling love, but doing love. I’m absolutely horrible at all of these things. And as mentioned, the show part of my faith, where people have a possible conception of me, is the worst part.

Jieun is so great. Because her faith is so sincere. I may think I’m great because I have worked out many knowledge things out to such a greater degree, but I would rather have a living sincere faith.

Anyway, not only am I wicked in thought but I’m sinful in action. Just the most selfish, lazy person I know. Well, top 5 at least. My only encouragement pretty much in life is knowing that my actions don’t add or subtract anything from my status in God’s eyes, and that all that matters is faith. And my hope is that this faith will grow. This song really means so much to me; I’m that guy who reads old stuff and finds that everything is the same: the struggles, the temptations, everything. And I would want to hope I’m getting somewhere, but so often it feels like I’m not. Anyway, it’s all about faith alone.

Here’s another song I really like:

Shifting Sand
Aaron Tate

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And everyday I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I’m feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they’re so mysterious

And like a consumer I’ve been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my fifteen minutes of faith
Then I’d be secure

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I’ve begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I’ve seen so much
And I explained it away

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It’d been there all the time

Gosh, I really like this song. Here’s the message of this song to me (which follows Thankful on the album). Thankful says it’s all faith, not works. This song says you know what? Even our faith isn’t that great; it’s all grace. Our salvation is by faith alone, but it’s grace only that gives us that faith.

I identify so well with this song. My faith, really, is so shifting, so dependent on circumstance, as much as I would want it not to be. And in many times in my life, I’ve thought if I could just see more of God my faith would be stronger. But I’ve seen so much already. And my faith has slipped to precarious places, and I’ve found that grace has lifted me up.

Great song. Anyway, I don’t want to pretend that I’m a man of great faith. I am sometimes, I’m not other times. I wish it weren’t so. But my one hope is that as weak as my faith may be, I’m standing on His grace, and sometimes when I consider my walk that’s the only thing that encourages me. Everything comes down to grace.

God’s been teaching me a lot recently. Amazing, considering the bad attitude I’ve had towards church and other Christians, but somehow He has. Maybe teaching is the wrong word. Reminding? I don’t know. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *