As you may or may not know, I’m a complete loser. Anyway, I’m going to do a complete commentary on the Keith Lee slams. Again, let me emphasize that I’m a loser.

Thanks to Eric Mao, I think I can do a complete commentary now. I should explain, though. I don’t know, I just think it’s interesting to see what people find funny and what people don’t find funny. It’s just weird. So, that’s pretty much all I’m doing.

Anyway, I didn’t realize my posts were above people’s heads. I mean, the inspiration for them often comes from elsewhere, but, I thought you could objectively get it. Guess I was wrong.

One thing also I’ve learned from reading Dave’s analysis is that our own posts amuse us more than they amuse others a lot of the time. But, I mean that’s why we do it, purely for our own amusement. Anyway, there are a lot of my posts that I find amusing that everyone else probably hates, but who cares.

Author Topic:   Keith Lee Comments
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Dave’s right, it’s time to out Keith Lee, the stalker. So, time for absurd slams of Keith. Day one.I hear Keith’s sole contact with other humans is through his computer. He sits in front of his screen all the time, even forgetting to eat, constantly reloading gaming web sites.

Oh wait, that’s true.

Post, Keith.

So this is just a continuation of the Dave Chu slamming thing. I don’t know why I decided to start with a completely true slam, but I did.
diva
JBB Moderator
so, if you ever go over to keith’s apartment, he will inevitably show you his collection of pictures.anyways, one picture is of him naked, and, i mean, it’s seriously bordering on pedophilia. it’s not like he’s a cute little baby; he’s like 10 years old or something.

what disturbs me is that he doesn’t hide the picture away. he displays it proudly as one of his fond childhood memories.

dude, all i’m saying is that only children are weird. seriously, the above is a true story.

and, like i said, it’s doubtful we can influence him to post; he’ll just continue to do his own thing.

This was pretty funny because it’s also completely true.
ericmao
Member
uh, apparently keith doesn’t read jbb that regularly. he hasn’t seen the dave chu thread, and i had to tell him that this thread existed.”maybe i’ll post if they come up with a really funny one,” he says.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Here’s a little known fact about Keith Lee.He has no buttocks. So, I was trying to experiment with short, absurd posts. Just, think about it, what would it be like to have no buttocks? I don’t know, it amused myself.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Besides pedophilia, which I believe is the Unforgivable Sin, Keith possess many other sickening habits.Actually, I’m not sure if I should post this publicly, but… just don’t tell anyone, okay? It’s a really big deal.

[paragraph deleted]

Keith Lee “adopts” dogs from the local pound, and makes sausages out of them. He likes to calls them “Italian Sausages” (he winks when he says the word, “Italian”), or “snausages”; a kind of sick inside joke among Keith’s friends.

Anyway, if Keith ever invites you over for dinner and serves his specialty, Italian (wink!) Sausages, beware.

At least pretend to be humane, Keith, for God’s sake!

This was an “important” post. It got someone else into the fray, and again started absurd posts as opposed to real ones. It also slammed Paul Lee. Anyway, a pretty good post, and like I said, an important one.
andrewwong
Member
Just for your information, the private possession of child pornography is illegal, while the private possession of “normal” porn is not. So, [unnamed persons who know who they are], you didn’t have to destroy that roll of film from freshman year…I hear Keith wants to name his kids after despotic Asian dictators: Lee Zedong, Lee Il Sung, Lee Jong Il, Lee Kuan Yew,* etc.

* Just kidding, Singapore.

This post killed me. I don’t know what it is, but the footnote just cracks me up. Just to me, this was the funniest post so far. I don’t know, Andrew has a gift. Or a curse. One of those. But yeah, hilarious post.
diva
JBB Moderator
i think i was still 17 at the time though andreww, so, i think it was illegal.oops. i’ve said too much.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 2.Before John Hennessy became President of Stanford, whenever someone started speaking of Gerhard Casper, Keith would put his hands on his cheeks, rock back and forth, and repeat, “I ain’t afraid of no ghost. I ain’t afraid of no ghost.” Bizarre. I don’t know, this wasn’t one of my best posts but it amused me. Casper the friendly ghost. And the line is of course from the Ghostbusters theme song. Yeah, it’s not a great post, but amusing to imagine Keith doing in real life.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 3.Don’t walk with Keith in public. Any time he sees a larger woman, he runs in front of her, takes of his jacket, waves it around and yells, “Toro! Toro!”

That’s just rude, Keith.

Come on, this is funny. Just, can you imagine how rude it would be if Keith did this? Whenever he sees a fat woman, treat he like a bullfighter? Well I think it’s funny.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Whenever Keith goes clubbing, he insists on being called “DJ Jazzy Keith”. He walks around in quasi-urban clothing, calling himself and others, “nigga”. The most offensive thing, though, is his liberal application of blackface makeup.Could you possibly be more flagrantly racist, Keith? Pretty good. My guess (just a guess) is that this is based on Conan O’Brien, where they report on one of MC Hammer’s entourage being lost in suburbia.
andrewwong
Member
diva wrote:

quote:


i think i was still 17 at the time though andreww, so, i think it was illegal.oops. i’ve said too much.


Wait, isn’t your birthday September 18? And didn’t orientation or school start after that? Or are you telling me that you took your clothes off for [unnamed person], who was essentially a stranger to you at the time, within, like, the first week or two of freshman year?

That sounds like something Keith Lee would do.

Again, this killed me. Just, a funny commentary and a brilliant finish tying it back together with the topic. Brilliant.

By the way, I’m the unnamed person.

dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 4.Keith regularly goes hunting for bald eagle, blue whale, giant panda, and California tiger salamander. The thing is, when he catches them, he just throws them away.

That’s not just insensitive, Keith, that’s illegal.

I don’t know, I’ve done the endangered species thing before in other places (these are all endangered species, for those not in the know). How insidious – he just wastes endangered species. Evil. Not too good a post.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 5.Keith will just not stop picking my belly button with his toes in public. Cut it out, Keith. So, a previous Dave Chu slam strategy was to accuse him of random behavior. So I went with that again, not too successfully, here. I don’t know. I think it would have been funny if I hadn’t tried it before. It’s too similar to stuff already done. That’s the hardest part about the Keith Lee slams. It’s hard to make similar things work the second time around. Every post kind of has to be different.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Keith thinks Caedmon’s Call is a good band. That’s not just bad musical taste, Keith, that’s plain stupidity. Pretty weak post. Mostly because Caedmon’s Call is a great, no, the greatest of bands.
pekkle
Member
these are getting weak . . . i don’t think you guys can get him to come out. Honestly, this slam was well deserved. The last few posts sucked. But, it was important, I think, because it moves me to experiment more in my slams. As always, it’s hit and miss, but the experimentation is key.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 6.I heard that Keith had other gods before Him. So, my first experiment was to accuse Keith of random sins in the Bible. I started with the 10 Commandments. It wasn’t really funny, but like I said it was a part of my experimental mojo.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
First of all, pekkle, shut up. If you’re not going to contribute, then your disparaging comments aren’t welcome here.Second of all, pekkle, you may not think that Keith is as bad as we describe in this thread. However, everyone in Hong Kong would disagree with you; the entire country is ashamed of Keith’s infamous “lobster incident”.

Details are sketchy, but suffice to say, Hong Kong would still be a British colony if it were not for the lobster incident.

Nice work, Keith, you Communist pig.

To me, this post was an important one, because it was the first post that just hinted at what Keith had done, rather than saying it outright. This strategy comes up again, succesfully, I think, and this is the first time it appeared. Groundbreaking.
andrewwong
Member
Hong Kong’s unofficial mascot – Edison The Last Yellow Lobster (of “As long as yellow lobsters exist in Victoria Harbor, Hong Kong will forever be a British Crown Colony!” fame) – was found decapitated in a seedy Wanchai alley, along with a dead hooker and an unconscious Singapore Mer-Lion. Shortly thereafter, the Mer-Lion himself disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Locals say Beijing’s operative – Keith – had something to do with. I don’t know – the funniest posts are Andrew’s posts, but not all of Andrew’s posts are funny to me. Like this one – too weird and random, I think. But, I don’t know, whenever I think Andrew’s posts are too weird, Dave likes those ones the best, so Dave probably likes this one. Too weird for me, though.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 7.It’s well known that Keith made for himself an idol in the form of something in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. I believe it sits right above his Sony Wega TV. Continuing my Biblical sin experiment with another of the 10 commandments. I don’t know, that idea lost steam pretty quickly. Even here, I needed to add an extra comment to salvage it. It’s still not too funny.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Actually, dcfly, that’s not an idol, but just a marble sculpture of Sammy. And I must say that it’s a very revealing sculpture, if you know what I mean.Anyhow, Keith’s interpretation of The Catcher in the Rye, written while a pubescent and obnoxious Exeter student, angered not only the school’s administration but also the Jewish community that his interpretation unfairly slandered. Besides calling J. D. Salinger a “Christ-killing scum”, Keith never bothered to confirm whether or not Salinger was actually Jewish — which he was not.

Way to make “censorship” a bad word, Keith, you scumbag.

Good post, I thought. The finish of my previous post was great, and I love the last sentence here.
diva
JBB Moderator
again, a true story.if you get to know keith a bit, he will inevitably tell the story of his dorm at exeter.

apparently, the dorm is REALLY old, so, the showers were all together; no curtains, whatever.

and so, he will inevitably tell you some pretty gross stories about him, his dormmates, naked in the shower with a bar of soap.

and he tells the story so happily and looks back on the memory so fondly that it’s disturbing.

5-1 keith doesn’t ever post on the jbb. i’ll put up 10000 won. any takers?

So, Dave still isn’t in the swing of things, convinced that this will happen, still telling only true stories. By the way, I heard this story also. He told it during an inner city mission trip. As he told some teammates, they slowly realized what the stories were about, and seeing their facial expressions turn to severe uncomfort was hilarious. I don’t know, there’s enough true stuff to slam Keith but that would be too frightening.
ericmao
Member
today’s exchange rate: 1135.63 to 110000 won at 5-1 odds means $44.03 at stake for dave hong

hey keith, post and i’ll split the money with you 50-50.

ericmao
Member
to get keith to post, maybe we just need to talk about computer-related stuff. apparently it got slim to start posting again…
diva
JBB Moderator
eric-$22.015 means absolutely nothing to keith lee. he’s an only child of *very* rich parents.

as you may or may not know, the higher up vertically you live (meaning living on top of the hills) in hong kong, the more expensive it is.

when andrew, henry, and i went to hong kong, we took the trolley to the peak. that’s victoria peak for all you non-honkies out there. it’s the highest hill in hong kong. anyhow, at the top there is an observation deck where you can see all the sweet apartments that are on the peak.

of course keith lee lives there. and of course he lives near the top. i’ve never been to his house–in order to get into his apartment complex, you have to show some sort of proof that you make over US$1.5 million a year, and of course I don’t, so, I wasn’t allowed in.

anyhow, getting back to my point, keith lee laughs at 22 dollars, eric.

dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 8.They say that Keith saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, and took some and ate it.

Also, when he wears tight pants, he has a visible panty line.

So, the 10 Commandments thing was clearly not working, so I moved on to other sins, here accusing Keith of Original Sin. Also didn’t really work, so I had to add on to it. I dunno, I thought the second part was mildly amusing.

I’ll never understand why a visible panty line is such a bad thing. Everyone wears underwear. Why is it bad to show that you are? Women’s fashion is so weird.

xacto
Member
Hmm, at least he’s not wearing those skimpy thongs anymore.Dirty.

I guess it doesn’t matter anyway with his prosthetic buttocks. Who’s going to care when you can’t tell whether or not you have a piece of floss up your crack?

Not a great post, but it’s good to see random people getting into the mix.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Another day.Keith regularly offers to the Lord blind, injured, maimed cattle, and ones with warts and festering, running sores.

Also, whenever someone prays out loud, when they say “In Jesus name” Keith starts throwing around marshmallow peanuts, saying “There’s another peanut for your ‘God'” making quote marks with his hands.

Pretty sacriligious, Keith.

So, I switched strategies to accusing Keith of truly random sins that are just weird. I was thinking here that from now on I would have both a sin and a normal slam, but that idea also died a quick death.

The peanut slam comes from the Simpsons, where Apu asks Homer not to offer a peanut to his God. I used here a theme from The Dave Chu Slams, where I accuse the person of reacting to situations or words in bizarro ways. This post wasn’t that good.

henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Keith hates vegetarians… with a vengeance that is truly frightening.When Keith discovers that a person is vegetarian, he stalks that person for weeks. He discreetly adds bullion cubes to their food. He buys dead cows and place them on the vegetarian’s front porch. He purchases a new car for that person — one that is identical to the person’s old car, with the addition of leather seats.

Try to have some respect for others’ beliefs, Keith, you Nazi.

Decent post. What I respect is how stubborn Henry and I were about keeping this thread alive. It’s that stubbornness that made this thread what it is today.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 10.When Keith built his new house, he did not make a parapet around the roof, thus bringing the guilt of bloodshed on his house when someone fell from the roof.

Keith also likes to play what he calls “toe tag.” He’ll say “I’m it!” and then forcibly remove your shoes and socks, trying to “tag” your toes with his tongue. When he finally succeeds, he cries “You’re it!” and immediately takes off his own shoes and socks and smiles with this expectant look on his face.

Uh, there’s a reason why people don’t play with you, Keith.

This was my favorite random sin, but it still wasn’t that funny. That’s why I dropped the whole sin idea.

Me and my friends used to play this game we called “toe tag” in elementary school, and that’s the loose inspiration for this post. I thought this post was decent, but not great. Just the expectant look. Weirdo.

sammy
Member
diva wrote:

quote:


5-1 keith doesn’t ever post on the jbb. i’ll put up 10000 won. any takers?


just by writing that, you’ve most likely convinced keith never to post.

he would never do anything to contradict the one “who is just like Jesus.”

dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 11.I once heard Keith say, “Dave Hong is just like Jesus. And once he gets married, he’ll be better!”

Bold, Keith. Especially during Freshman Bible study.

A riff off of the previous post: a new idea. It amused me more than my recent previous posts. It’s also a slam of the Moonies. Rev. Sun Myung Moon essentially says the same thing about himself. Weirdo.
diva
JBB Moderator
i’ve stated repeatedly that i want keith to post, but i don’t think it’s possible. maybe it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. so, please keith, post or i’ll talk to my “Father” and make sure your name is blotted out of the book of life.
andrewwong
Member
Day 12!This is such an interesting topic. There’s been pedophilia, idolatry, intimations of murder, blasphemy, animal cruelty, sacrilege, elitism, racism, and all manner of bad judgement. Great.

One Thanksgiving dinner, Keith attempted to indulge his delusions of artistic grandeur by staging a performance piece where the roast turkey leapt up off the platter and attacked him. A five minute fist fight ensued, ending with Keith putting the turkey in a figure four leg lock in a pile of mashed potatoes and cranberry. That’s just sick and bizarre, Keith.

One of Andrew’s weirdo posts that I don’t get.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
I once visited the Mormon temple in Los Angeles with Keith. Big mistake. He climbed on top of the temple, on top of the statue of the prophet Moroni that points in the direction of Salt Lake City, and then pointed in the opposite direction for 5 hours. He then proceeded to make out with the prophet Moroni for 5 more hours. He then yelled for 30 minutes how the 5th secret handshake is the Vulcan death grip.Sure, it was funny. But that was a little excessive, Keith. I thought this was a pretty good post, just a little forced. I was slamming the Mormons a lot here. Just, the absurdity of the pointing prophet on the temples, and the absurdity of the secret handshakes. And of course, accusing Keith of extremely public inappropriate behavior. But, secretly, something we would all do – be totally sacriligious to their strange beliefs.
gushndez
Member
Keith’s girlfriend from his freshman year was in my IV small group. She would “share her life” with us (aka tell us all the juicy gossip from their relationship). Like when she asked him if he knew Jesus, and he replied, “I have a gardener named Jesus.” Or when he finally got the hint and stopped calling her every day. We would then pray for his salvation and laugh, not necessarily in that order. Uh, weird.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 13.Keith always puts parmesan and romano cheese in his underwear. He says he does this because the Boy Scout motto is “Be Prepared”. Weirdo. Easily one of my better posts, probably the best one in the whole thread so far. Just, a good random post, both the behavior and the justification.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 14.When the hit movie Chicken Run was playing in theaters, Keith would sit outside the theaters as people left eating from huge buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, each bucket labeled with the name of a character from the movie, making countless children cry.

Pretty cold, Keith.

At this point, no one else was posting, and it was just pure stubbornness that kept me going. I liked this post, personally.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 15.If you hang out with Keith, eventually he’ll ask you if you want to play “Booyah-Ball.” Don’t ask him what a Booyah-Ball is, though. He’ll show you his: collected nose-pickings from the last 20 years, rolled up into a sphere. And not just his own nose pickings.

That’s disgusting enough. But the bloody ones, that’s just over the top. Guh.

Not a great post, but decent, I thought. Moving toward the disgusting. I seem to do that a lot.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 16.When Keith went on Urban Immersion his freshman year, he would not stop spewing profanities, making the rest of his teammates extremely uncomfortable. I am not making this up. It’s hard being all alone on slams so I was forced to return to a true story.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 17.Keith regularly eats his own toenails. And not just from the big toe.

Repulsive.

Pretty weak. Kind of returning to the Phil Jackson slams. Just random things he does. The “not just from the big toe” comment is an attempt at absurdity. But, it’s been done.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 18.Keith once replaced the Spanish rice in Manzanita Dining Hall. With maggots. As everyone got sick, he danced around the dorms in a tutu, singing, “I’m the tooth fairy!” It was pretty vile. This was a stretch post, and you can tell – it’s just trying to do too much. Again, I think if you had seen this before, it would have been funnier, just, having seen stuff before, it’s not funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 19.Below his neck, Keith is completely hairless. You don’t want to know why. Inspired by a true story. Anyway, this is the first return to the “don’t completely explain everything” strategy. Not sure how well it worked.
andrewwong
Member
Day 20!This afternoon, the Miami-Dade Canvassing Board unanimously voted against recounting Keith Lee.

Keith Lee bought votes for Socialist Party candidate David McReynolds by exchanging them for kicks in the groin.

CBS News has just decided to take Keith Lee away from Al Gore and put him back in the “needs a shower” column.

Dave loved this post, but I don’t know, it wasn’t too interesting for me. Just, way too weird. I didn’t get it. But at least someone else posted.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith has a seriously unhealthy obsession with Ricky Martin. Keith is definitely living la vida loca, if you catch my drift. Random post. Again you can see there’s a touch of “don’t tell everything” here, though not pronounced.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 21.Technically speaking, Keith is not a homo sapiens. He’s actually a legume. So at this point I started to really experiment with my posts. This one is just weird. But, maybe for that reason, I like it.
andrewwong
Member
Keith believes that the New Testament Canon should consist only of: Hebrews, James, 2 Peter, Jude, 2 & 3 John, and Revelations.Keith produced a DVD version of the Gospel called “The Gospel According to Keith.” It begins with the theme song to “Three’s Company.” I liked this post. Sure, just include the controversial books. And the random reference to the Three’s Company theme. Amusing. More amusing if you hum it to yourself.
andrewwong
Member
Sorry, that should be Revelation.
diva
JBB Moderator
i was in a rush and keith, being the sycophant that he is, told me that he would take care of all my dry cleaning.however, instead of dry cleaning them, he decided to laminate them. he said that lamination is going to be the hip new style.

maybe in bizarro world, keith.

Dave returns, with a vengeance. This post was pretty hilarious. How random. It’s similar to the frozen books Dave Chu Slam, but they’re both funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 22.Keith Lee eats baby kittens. Raw. Alive. Again, experimenting. Just, this one is pure weird. And again, that amuses me.
andrewwong
Member
Keith does not hold cutting boards and knives sacred. He is not a chef. Great Iron Chef reference. I liked it so much I followed with a much weaker post. I think I liked it because it was nothing we’d seen before. Just, a slam that someone else had said in real life. It was just new.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Spanish Mackerel – that is Keith Lee’s weakness. That and Singaporeans in tight jeans. Like I said, a weak Iron Chef follow to a great post. I knew it, so added another comment at the end, a reference to a friend at Stanford.
sammy
Member
dcfly wrote:

quote:


Spanish Mackerel – that is Keith Lee’s weakness. That and Singaporeans in tight jeans.


funny – keith really dislikes spanish mackerel.

have a happy thanksgiving everyone!

dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving.He celebrates Cursetaking. Another failed experiment. Of a frequent humor strategy of mine – take a topic and completely reverse it. I don’t think it worked here.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 23.Keith personally funded the massive airlifting and dropping of fen phen and dexetrine throughout Ethiopia. I thought it was funny but I think no one else did. Just, sending diet pills to a famine land. How wrong.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith! the autobots are our friends not our enemies! This was a great post. Because, it introduced a new slamming strategy – directly addressing Keith, and it also returned to the don’t say everything theme. Creative, and great.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith concocted an elaborate scheme to “assassinate” Winnie the Pooh, the fictional cartoon character.The scary thing is, he almost succeeded. A forced, stretched post. Mildly amusing, at best.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith was 18 when he stopped peeing at night in his bed.Unfortunately, he still defecates at night.

In kirei’s bed.

I liked this post a lot. Just, each sentence adds more to the slam. A lot of my posts I think only amuse me, but I was pretty proud of this one, even if no one else liked it. Plus I got to slam hun aka kirei.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
During the Vatican’s Jubilee celebration, Keith gave Pope John Paul II a massive wedgie that required hospitalization. Another one of my own posts I like. Short, simple, and absurd. And sacrilicious.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 24.The last time Keith ate at the Ritz-Carlton Dining Room, he secretly replaced their normal coffee with the liquified remains of his pet gecko “Jamal.” Another forced post. The inspiration for it actually comes from I think a top 10 list on the AC/DC and that Saturday Night Live sketch where Chris Farley goes crazy when he’s told they secretly replaced his coffee. Hilarious. Anyway, the randomness was too forced here.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Few people realize that Keith ran for President. His platform: prohibition, pro-slavery, and pronography.He received only a few votes; all of them in Delaware. It amused me. The platform.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith has been planning his wedding for many years. “highlights” include the bride and groom saying “booyah” instead of “I do” and a wedding cake in the shape of a hyundai sonata. One of Dave’s weaker posts, I think. I don’t know, the whole “quotation” thing is more hit than miss, in my opinion.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 25.When Keith was an obstetrician, he would bring small chihuahuas to the delivery room, and when the baby was born, show the dog to the mother and say, “It’s a beautiful baby girl!”

Absolutely inappropriate, Keith.

The inspiration for this was actually the TV mini-series “V”, and if you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, I didn’t think it was a great post, but Henry liked it.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 26.When Keith was young, he insisted on cremating his Cabbage Patch Kids and then sniffing them through his nostrils, so they would be a part of him forever. Weak. One of my absolutely worst posts.
andrewwong
Member
Keith let the dogs out. For some reason, this post slayed me. I don’t know, Andrew’s posts are always different.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
At church, sometimes we sing Nothing But The Blood of Jesus. Anyway, when we sing “What can wash away my sin? What can make me whole again?” Keith Lee raises his hand.Wrong answer, Keith. So, back to heresy and blasphemy, dependable topics. I don’t know, it’s really hard to be creative. I think this post was fair, but not great. I used the theme of “when this happens, Keith does this” again, and that’s probably why it’s a little tired.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 27.Keith invented a new swing move called the “Tropicana Twister.” He goes to every other male in the room and knees them in the testicles until they vomit. Uhh, just random. When I get stuck on inspiration, I often go to violence. Everyone knows Keith likes swing, so, I don’t know. The vomiting was inspired by a SNL sketch, a Sprockets parody of America’s Funniest Home Videos called Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos, one of which featured a man getting kneed in the testicles and subsequently vomiting.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
When Keith first came to the U.S., he discovered powdered milk. Just add water, and you get milk.Then he saw baby powder. And he thought, “What a country!” One of my worst posts, and Liz Oh’s favorite. I was just totally out of ideas, so I used this, a line from Yakov Smirnoff, a Russian comedian.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 28.Keith only has half a belly button. Pretty weak. Back to short posts. Just, what does it mean to have half a hole? Random.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith cloned Hitler’s feet. Another ripoff. In the comic series Flaming Carrot, which introduced the characters the Mystery Men on which the movie was based, one of the villains clones Hitler’s feet. Totally unoriginal.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith was responsible for the disastrous radio ad campaign that had J.T. the Brick saying, “Dae who? Daewoo, that’s who.” I just wrote this because I heard said ad on the radio and it made me angry. It’s a seriously terrible ad campaign. Ugh. So yeah, not trying to be witty, just expressing anger.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith! Rice Krispy Treats are for eating only! Pervert. I liked this post, it’s just using the “don’t tell everything” strategy. And the first copy of Dave’s “talk directly to Keith” strategy. Anyway, it leaves a lot to the imagination, and I liked my finish.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Keith build a scale model of the Berlin Wall, and sent it to Switzerland with a note that stated, “Neutral my ass.”Fewer drugs, more counseling, Keith. That’s my suggestion. Decent post. I chuckled.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 29.When Keith was a senior in college, he dated hun, who was still in high school at the time.

Sketchy, Keith.

This post was really just making fun of hun. In that sense, I think it “worked”. Totally meaningless outside of context, though.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith neither uses IE nor netscape; keith uses an old sock attached to a kaleidescope to “surf” the web. Uh, just weird. Honestly, I don’t even see the quotation marks sometimes, so, Dave loses me there.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith, following the short lived “kriss kross” craze of the early 90s had his legs and arms surgically removed and permanently placed backwards. he’s the current world limbo champion, defeating gary kasporov and deep blue in the 2000 World Limbo championships held in a Quality inn outside of dayton ohio. Hilarious. I thought. I can’t really explain why. He just took an absurd notion and carried it through brilliantly. A great post.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Keith, believing that Fruit Rollups are manufactured by Satan, donated them to various Christian hunger ministries as an inside practical joke.When he found out that Satan does not really exist, Keith got vehemently angry and donated more Fruit Rollups to the same hunger ministries.

Hello? Logic? Logic, where art thou?

OK post.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith has taken the sagging clothes trend to a whole new level. He walks around naked, on top of bundles of clothing beneath his feet. This was a second order copy of Dave’s Kriss Kross post. Just, taking a trend to an extreme. Here, sagging clothes. I thought it was funny.

I had a post about the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower that I think was hilarious, but someone thought it was semi-pornographic, and while I didn’t intend that, I saw how it could be, so I removed it. But anyway, it was pretty funny.

dcfly
JBB Moderator
For Holloween, Keith distributed machetes, scissors, and needles, and Raisinets with a picture of a rabbit on the box. I don’t know why I decided to go crazy, but I did, and I don’t know, I thought considering the throughput it was pretty good. Like this post, I liked. It was actually inspired by a Top 10 list on the AC/DC. And again, the implication is, he gave them rabbit droppings. Or at least made them think about it.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith Lee set off stink bombs in every library in the Bay Area that “subscribed to that racist, Confederate, Dewey Decimal System.” Just being random. It’s seriously not easy to be completely random. Try it. Not easy.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith is capable of (and skilled in) lactation. Again, I was just posting like mad so I used whatever random idea came to my head. This is a totally random slam. How can you be “skilled” in lactation?
diva
JBB Moderator
i’ve figured you out, keith lee.take keith lee’s name, and make it into a telephone number. you get 5348-4533.

Now, take the exact time that Benjamin franklin’s was born. as we all know, ben franklin was born at 1:08 AM, January 17th, 1706. Now add one year–so now we have 1:08 AM, January 17th, 1707. Now, convert that into numbers and you have 10811707.

Now take that number and subtract it from Keith’s name and you get 42672826.

Convert that back into letters. That’s right, you get…I AM SATAN.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Funny because there’s absolutely no method to it.
hun
Member
dcfly wrote:

quote:


When Keith was a senior in college, he dated hun, who was still in high school at the time.


It’s only called dating when it’s consensual.
Folks from the South call it rape.

I don’t know, but this post made me pretty uncomfortable.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 30.Keith is incontinent. Back to my short and sweet posts.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Those bags under Keith’s eyes aren’t because he’s tired. I won’t say what caused it. But I will say that it’s a felony in 45 states, Puerto Rico, and Guam. Here I returned to the “don’t tell everything” strategy. Don’t think it worked. But, it’s typical me, adding random U.S. territories at the end. Randomness is my hallmark.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith breeds huge cultures of bovine spongiform encephalitis because it “tastes like chicken”. Inspired by articles I’d been reading about mad cow disease. “Tastes like chicken” also comes from an AC/DC top 10 list.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
When Keith was a researcher at Los Alamos National Laboratories, he sold all of our nuclear secrets to Lesotho, along with the recipe of Big Mac’s Special Sauce (mayo, ketchup, and a touch of relish).Fine patriot you are. I think this post could have been funnier than it was, but it just turned out random. Lesotho, the random country. And saying that Big Mac Sauce is a national secret, and what’s more, revealing it here. Didn’t work.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
For Christmas, Keith gave Superman Kryptonite body lotion. I thought this post was funny myself, just the absurdity of it.
xacto
Member
For Christmas, Keith gave Mel Gibson a British flag, some crumpets, and the new Spice Girls CD. So, here’s an example showing how you can’t copy things too closely. Just doesn’t work. But, it would have been funnier had you never seen the above post. That’s just how it works.
gman
Member
i can’t believe ya’ll went two pages and still no post. can he hold out till christmas?? only time will tell…  
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Keith made a snowman in the likeness of Jimmy Carter. But it doesn’t snow in Atlanta. I didn’t get it.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith, always looking to make a quick buck, last christmas horded as many furby’s as he could, selling them on the black market at 30 times the price.he donated all the proceeds to the non-profit “humanitarian” group “Kocaine for Kids”.

Nice, Keith. Real nice.

I don’t know, other people found this post funnier than I did.
diva
JBB Moderator
Keith, in a fit of illogical passion rarely seen in Cantonese, has refused to say the word “Chicago” after the Patriots humiliating loss to the Bears in SuperBowl XX. Instead, he just refers to it as “that dirty city”.Keith, that happened over 15 years ago. Get over it, dude. Pretty weak post. Not one of Dave’s best. It’s more like one of my weak posts, just with a few random elements, but not overall funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 31.Keith is a banana addict. Terrible post. But, I had to post just out of stubbornness.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
When Keith gets a haircut, he always gets it “really short on top, and long (and permed) on the sides. After all,” he says, “it’s almost the year 2001.” Another bad post. Trying to be random, but it’s just not funny at all.
diva
JBB Moderator
to the dismay, discouragement, and disenfranchiseent to Christians everywhere, Keith has decided to “boldly and bawdily” preach the Gospel every Friday in White Plaza while not wearing any pants.Shame on you, Keith. I liked this post. I can’t really explain it, just funny.
andrewwong
Member
During the Lumberjack Games, Keith covertly replaced the logs used for the “hotsaw” contest with Santa’s elves. Another weirdo post I don’t get at all.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 32.Keith doesn’t believe toilet paper on ethical grounds. What I meant was, doesn’t believe in using toilet paper on ethical grounds. Dunno if that’s how it came out. Maybe it’s better that way. Obviously inspired by the over/under TP discussion on the j bulletin b.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith only likes Hillsongs’ fast songs. He hates the slow ones. Pretty bad post. It’s more a comment on Hillsongs than anything else.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Keith has John Lennon’s head, preserved in a jar of formaldahyde, placed on a dresser drawer facing his bed.When Keith has nightmares, he asks John Lennon’s head to sing “Give Peace a Chance”. Not John Lennon’s classic, “Imagine”, but “Give Peace a Chance”.

Talk about disrespecting the dead, Keith.

Weird. Mildly amusing.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Late last night in Sweet Hall, Keith went to the second floor and yelled, “Free pizza!”But there was no free pizza. Only Windex.

Cruel and unusual, Keith.

Another bad post. Like many of my bad posts, it’s slightly random, but not funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith shot J.R. A weak attempt at mimicking Andrew’s brilliant “Keith let the dogs out” post. This time using the “Who shot J.R.” thing. But, this copy didn’t work.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith put a huge U.S. flag on Osama bin Laden’s bed, with a poster that read, “Allah bless the U.S.A!” I was only posting because I wanted to see things reach page 3. Pretty much no other reason. But like I said, it’s really hard to come up with stuff after a while. Really hard. I thought this post was decent. I was just thinking how Keith could draw the ire of people around the world. And “Allah bless the U.S.A. instead of “God bless…” Yeah, I know, it’s weak.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith carefully coats all his socks with a layer of apple butter and covers it in aluminum foil. To commemorate the storming of the Bastille. So this post is just pure randomness and no humor. Zero sense in this post. But it is pretty random.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith repeatedly went to see The Sixth Sense in the theaters, and during the opening credits, kept shouting the secret to the movie: “The boy dies at the end! He’s a Christ figure!” Like I said, the thing is it’s the end to a movie, just not the Sixth Sense. I’m clearly going for volume here, not quality.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith heads the powerful Croatian frog-leg cartel. Only he and 3 others know the true circumstances surrounding Roy Fokker’s death. This post makes it clear that I’m only trying to amuse myself. There is freaking no way anyone would know that Croatia imports a whole lot of U.S. frog legs. And why Roy Fokker of Robotech? Just for my own amusement. Bad post, even if you get the references.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Late last May, Keith held a huge campus-wide barbecue at Synergy where he roasted whole cows, pigs, and dolphins, deeply offending the residents there. This was inspired by Dilbert, where this guy has a dolphin barbecue with some environmentalists. Not too funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
For fun, Keith litters famous beaches with hypodermic needles. This post was at best mildly amusing. I was clearly still thinking about environmentalists and how to offend them.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith went to the world headquarters of Greenpeace and made a huge bonfire using only styrofoam. I thought this post was the funniest of the last 10 posts, which really isn’t saying much. Just, how terrible, releasing all those ozone destroying CFCs for no reason but to offend.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
On Native American Pride Day, Keith went around wearing a T-shirt that read: “Measles. The White Man’s best friend.” Come on, this is hilarious.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
When Keith was on the Wheel of Fortune, on every single turn, he would say, “I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat. Could I buy an ‘X’?”Seriously, all that Nutrasweet has taken its toll. This post sucked but I liked the comment at the end. This started a new experiment where I had two slams in one. I slam Keith and then hint at a weirdo reason for that first slam. I think it worked here.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith convinced Joseph Enterprises to create and sell Chia L’aisselle Féminine; Chia French Female Armpit. Their resulting wealth allowed them to buy Amblin Entertainment and cause a serious degradation of morals in this country. Volume. A slam of French females also. Not a great post.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Whenever we recite the Apostles’ Creed at church, Keith stays quiet, only mumbling, “I take the fifth. I take the fifth.” This would have been funny if it were like the second slam ever, but it’s not creative enough at this stage of the game. That’s how it works, I think. To me, it’s too similar to the “I ain’t afraid of no ghost” post I made.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith’s navel is a serious outtie. It’s 5 feet long and 2 feet in diameter. Obviously inspired by the Woody Harrelson SNL where he encourages all these guys at the beach to take off their shirts, and each doesn’t want to because they’re embarrassed of something, their ape like hairy torso, their outtie (sticking out like a pencil), their baboon heart. It was a pretty funny sketch.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith was asked to be a witness when award winning race horse Secretariat was put to sleep. He came – bringing a fork, knife, and Jello mold.Pretty insensitive, Keith. Decent post, I think. Just, Keith being inappropriate as usual.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
On “I Give Thanks”, in the chorus on the part that goes “I give thanks” Keith plays am G D, instead of am G/B C.Insidious. Pretty bad post, more an inside joke than anything else. I used to get annoyed at Stanford IV for playing the wrong chords to said section in I Give Thanks.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith claps on 1 and 3. Following up a bad post with another bad one.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith, in a weak attempt to lower my morale, cancelled my subscriptions to The Economist, Scientific American, and Hustler.Jbbers, get prepared for a long, protracted battle. He may take our lives, but he’ll never take our freedom! This post wasn’t very good, but I liked how Dave joined it my rapid fire slamming of Keith. Seriously, it was a lot of fun that night.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
And farts on 2 and 4. I posted this while Dave was posting above, I don’t know, I thought it was hilarious to split it up like that. It might be even more funny split up by another post. But come on, just think about it. Like, literally imagine Keith doing it to a praise song. It’s funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith, in a weak attempt to lower my morale, removed the testicles of my prize-winning fish, yelling, “In the name of L. Ron Hubbard, I Dianeuter you!” A riff off of Dave’s post. Just being absurd, and slamming Scientology. I know most of my posts suck, but seriously, try to match the output I had this one day with even bad posts. It’s seriously not easy.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith, the “e” in “e-mail” stands for “electronic”, not “errogant”. and arrogant is spelled with an “a”, not an “e”!idiot. This was a hilarious post. The Simpsons strategy worked well, and in the end, it makes zero sense. Like, what could it mean that Keith thinks it’s “errogant mail?” Freaking hilarious.
diva
JBB Moderator
during his acceptance speech for winning the position of treasurer of FiCS, keith said, “i’d like to thank my good friends, momar gaddafi and saddam hussein, for helping me win this campaign.” Not really a good post, but we were going for volume at this point.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith recently created a fan web page for hollywood’s greatest debacle, “ishtar”.come on, keith. dustin hoffman is one of america’s greatest patriots. he deserves a little dignity, don’t you think? I thought this post was pretty weak. But again, quantity.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Angry at the Nobel Foundation for selecting Kim Dae Jung and Pearl S. Buck, Keith set up his own foundation to award his own prizes: the Lee War Prize, the Lee Torture Prize, and the Lee Press-On Nails Prize. I probably only amused myself. Just a reference to the controversial winner of the 1938 Literature prize, and weirdo wordplay. I thought it would be funny to have the opposite prizes. A war prize? Amusing to me, only.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith volunteered to dress up as Santa Claus at local malls this year.Big mistake. As each child sat on his lap, he would whisper to them, “Sorry kid, your eyes aren’t slanty enough. You must have been bad this year. No present for you. Maybe in a couple years. Or not. Tee hee. :9” Not that great. I started with an idea and realized it wasn’t working so I just added inside jokes. The round eyes thing is inspired by I think the movie Bloodsport. And the tee hee :9 is a Clarafan thing.
diva
JBB Moderator
for the past six months, keith lee has stood outside glenn close’s home with a large sign that reads, “Cruella, you are so cruel!”keith. “Cruella de Vil” was a fictional character Glenn Close played as an actress in the movie “101 Dalmatians”. Actress. movie.

Keith, call me man; I wanna help.

Decent post, not great. I liked the finish, though.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith, no matter how hard you practice, you can’t fly. And besides, Antlantis is underwater, not in the air. And it’s not real! Just go to the doctor like everyone else! This was a copy of Dave’s great e-mail slam. Just, keep extending something absurdly a few steps. I find it mildly amusing, but it’s nowhere near as funny as the e-mail post.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith’s press agent recently made this announcement:”keith lee would no longer like to be called ‘keith’, but he will go by the name ‘Argon'”.

It’s fine with me to change your name, but…a noble gas? That’s bold.

I thought this post was hilarious. Just the noble gas statement. Random and funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith refers to himself in the second person. Talk about confusing. The above post was clearly in my mind. A terrible post, though. Only amusing if you think about him actually doing this. That’s confusing.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith sued and won a litigation suit against J. Crew for gross negligence because, “the name ‘J. Crew’ is misleading; the ‘J’ doesn’t stand for anything.”i guess we can kiss world peace goodbye. thanks a lot, keith. Funny post. Again, a strong ending makes it good – it has nothing to do with the rest of the post.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith regularly laughs out loud when reading the comic strip “Peanuts”. “It’s so unpredictable,” he says.OK, Keith. Time to stop sleeping upside down in caves with rotting flesh. Not good for sanity. An unfunny slam of Peanuts, and revisiting my 2-step slam strategy. Didn’t work too well here, but I think it could have.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
As part of his reward for his work in Denver, Keith met Attorney General Janet Reno. After shaking hands, he said to Reno, “It’s a great honor meeting you. Seeing how you went from the role of Matlock to the Attorney General of the United States gives hope to us actors around the world!”Good one, Keith. There goes Cuba. I think this post is funny, but not really creative at all. So, I’m not really that proud of it.
diva
JBB Moderator
upon accidently releasing the bubonic plague onto Western Europe, Squire Keith Lee had only one thing to say:”Oops.”

That’s an understatement.

Hilarious. Just because, well, I can relate.
darkim
Member
keith loves to eat organ meat.
and we’re not talking foie gras here, we’re talking UDDERS. he says they’re “nutritious and chewy midnight snacks.”
This post really makes no sense at all, since all meat is organ meat, and I didn’t really think it was that funny. And honestly, I thought Henry wrote this. It’s kind of in the Henry style. I was shocked when it turned out to really be Darlene. Shocked.
andrewwong
Member
Keith “Jet” Lee frequently uses his entrails as a whip. Totally weird, I don’t get it. This started off Andrew’s scatological kick.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 33.Keith feeds his children the same way birds do: he goes foraging for food and then regurgitaes them when he gets home. He also houses them in a nest. And his “children” are actually his parents. I thought this post was decent. Again, the extend the absurdity style is here.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith started a new religion based on the teachings of Ted Kaczynski.Come on, Keith. If you’re going to start a religion, at least follow someone who’s not clinically insane*.

*No offense, Mormons.

Like I said, I greatly admired Andrew’s footnote post so I tried to do one of my own. I don’t know if it was that good. Decent, maybe. All I could think of was the Mormons, though. Anyway, something about Andrew’s footnote just worked for me.
darkim
Member
Keith, I think your supporters should know.Every summer Keith joins a short-term mission and brings his own supply of Bibles and copies of the Jesus Film.

The thing is, Keith whited-out all passages talking about the resurrection of Christ, and edited the Jesus Film so that it ends with Christ crucified on the cross and jumps straight to the credits. No resurrection!

Keith justifies himself saying, “I’m just trying out a new stype of sharing the gospel. I think it’s better. Plus, it’s in line with my ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.”

Dan Harrison found out about Keith and barred him from attending Urbana 2001. That’s the real reason Keith’s not going.

This post was pretty hilarious, but again, I thought Henry wrote it. It’s very Henry style. I don’t know, I still can’t get over the Darlene shock.
gushndez
Member
Keith steals the covers in bed.
I found out the hard way.
Uh, uncomfortable post.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
How?Keith regularly attends the Naz 8 cinema in Fremont, which shows “Bollywood” films: films from India. When he sees Indians there, he lifts up his right hand and greets them by saying, “How.”

Uh, wrong Indians, Keith. And the correct term nowadays is Native American.

I liked this post myself. It’s just funny to think about. Typical me post in which it shows random info. Like the Naz 8 cinema and that they call the Indian film areas Bollywood.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Racist Keith, angered by the snack food Cheese Nips, created his own line of snack foods including Chocolate Niggaz and Marshmallow Honkies.Again I say: racist. I thought this was funny, also. I was debating for a long time whether it’s too offensive, and I was going to put Chocolate Niggers, but I figured that was too much. I was also going to say Marshmallow Yakoos, but maybe 2 people would get that reference. (It’s from SNL, where Chris Rock bemoans the lack of white racist terms, so he considers White Nigger, Honkaloid, and finally Yakoo.)
diva
JBB Moderator
on his last trip to St Louis, Keith Lee could not stop giggling. When pressed for a reason, keith finally embarassingly replied, “Look at the Gateway Arch. It’s a huge phallic symbol.”First of all Keith, thanks for dragging the reputation of Mississippi River’s tallest parabola in the mud.

Secondly, if anything, it’s yonnic, not phallic. Come on Keith, know your anatomy.

and finally, pull up your pants for goodness sake!

Too similar to a Dave Chu slam, I think, but the finish was pretty funny to me.
diva
JBB Moderator
before the council of trent, keithileo keithilee argued that the earth was not flat, but was actually a pimple on the hairy back of celine dion.thank God he was burned for heresy. Not that funny. Like one of my bad posts, just random.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
At a recent KKK meeting, they engaged in a rousing battlecry.”We hate blacks!”
“We hate Orientals!”

“We hate armadillos!” Keith offered.

An uncomfortable silence.

Poor Keith. Not even good at being evil.

Again, I wondered if it was too offensive. Hopefully not. Not that it’s funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith broke into my apartment and replaced all my furniture with an exact replica.I’ll get even someday, Keith. A direct ripoff of a that super straightfaced comedian that’s on Leno and Letterman a lot.
gman
Member
hilarious.darkim wrote:

quote:


Keith, I think your supporters should know.Every summer Keith joins a short-term mission and brings his own supply of Bibles and copies of the Jesus Film.

The thing is, Keith whited-out all passages talking about the resurrection of Christ, and edited the Jesus Film so that it ends with Christ crucified on the cross and jumps straight to the credits. No resurrection!

Keith justifies himself saying, “I’m just trying out a new stype of sharing the gospel. I think it’s better. Plus, it’s in line with my ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.”

Dan Harrison found out about Keith and barred him from attending Urbana 2001. That’s the real reason Keith’s not going.


 
diva
JBB Moderator
day 34.keith has just started a grassroots campaign to lower the voting age. “Why shouldn’t 18 year olds be given the right to vote?” he ardently pleads.

uh, keith, it was called the 26th Amendment, ratified in 1971. been there, done that, keith.

Decent post. I was burnt out at this point and couldn’t continue. Glad Dave did.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith recently became the 3rd human being not from Hosuton Texas to “hit for the cycle”–burp, fart, sneeze, and urinate all at the same time.sure you’ve attained your goal of world-wide fame…but at what price? Hilarious – the finish makes the post.
diva
JBB Moderator
a utilities employee on a routine check of Keith Lee’s house found the mutiliated body of America’s favorite pilot, Amelia Earhardt, with Keith’s finger and toe prints all over it.Say it ain’t so, Keith. Say it ain’t so. Not a great post. Too much attempt at a good ending.
diva
JBB Moderator
many people complain of the trash on TV these days, like the Jerry Springer Show. Few however, remember the vacuous Morton Downey Jr. Show preceeded it. And fewer still remember the awkward 1984 Show, “The Keith Lee Comedy/Confession Hour”. I chuckled, at least.
diva
JBB Moderator
Keith regularly refers to the hit TV show “Wheel of Fortune” as just “Wheel”.Come on, Keith, it’s just a TV show. Let’s try not to hip it up too much, okay? This was funny to me. The last comment. I don’t know, Dave’s comment posts are hit and miss, but they often amuse me. I like how this is more a slam of Wheel fans.
diva
JBB Moderator
During quiet, vulnerable times, Keith is known to confess to friends, “I miss the Holy Roman Empire.”Nostalgia is one thing. But Charlemagne? That’s just evil. I don’t know, this wasn’t creative enough, I think. The absurdity is too forced. But that’s just me.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 35.Keith mummified his pinata. I’m back with a terrible post. What was I thinking.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith used to work in the ER, and he would not stop messing around. People would come in, and when he got to them, he would spray around fake blood and yell, “She’s only got 5 minutes to live! Get a priest!… Just kidding!”There is no place for such humor in our HMO system, Keith. Grow up. So, I had kind of run out of ideas so I kind recycled ideas. Here, a recycling the inappropriate behavior at a hospital, and back to pithy ending comments.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Angered at the IMF bailout of Turkey, Keith tattooed a Hitler-style moustache on all of his Econ professors. Not a great post, but the concept itself is funny to me. It just occurred to me one day how thanks to Hitler, no one can ever have that kind of moustache again.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Don’t ever eat Nutella at Keith’s place. His “Nutella” is actually blended feces. And the “toast” he serves it on is actually uranium. Pretty bad post. Inspired by Sammy’s short thoughts, and again, just random without being funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
When Keith was on the game show “Win, Lose, or Draw” instead of trying to draw the topic, he would draw highly inappropriate pictures.How embarrassing. Not just for yourself, but for your partner, Charro. I’m sad about this post, because it could have been funny, but it didn’t turn out that way. Charro – the random reference in a bad post. She was on a lot of game shows. I watched way too much TV.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
When Keith’s dog died, he kept the decomposing, rotting corpse around solely so he could say, when someone told a boring story, “Good story, but it looks like you bored Fido to death.” A ripoff of Dilbert, where he lists great practical jokes you can do with corpses.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith created Donner Party Cereal, which were shaped like little bodies with bite marks on them.Keith. That’s just over the line and disgusting. I thought this was one of my better posts in a while. Pretty disgusting though.
diva
JBB Moderator
on keith lee’s first date with sammy, he showed up at her doorstep wearing only speedos, and a bow tie.slow down there, tiger. The comment was hilarious, but this post made me uncomfortable.
diva
JBB Moderator
“what if God were one of us,” croons Keith on his latest hit single. “He would probably be sad that we fight so much.”Pretty heretical, Keith. And it’s not even that deep! Pretty funny, I thought.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith entered the Olympic javelin competition just so he could try to spear his nemesis Jan Zelezny. Great Olympic spirit, Keith.Somehow he managed to win the gold medal. To preserve it, he got it bronzed.

Idiot.

Yeah, I looked up the name on the web. I was seriously out of ideas. The bronzing the gold medal is an old Polish joke.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith was watching the new movie about the Tribulation, and at the pivotal scene, when Jesus returns, Keith booed. Loudly.Keith. Learn some restraint. And freaking pull up your pants. Kind of inspired by Darlene’s post. It wasn’t that funny so I returned to something I thought was funny – Dave’s random pull up your pants comment.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
When Keith goes to amusement parks, he always jumps off and bathes in the water rides, bringing a bar of soap, floating pieces of brown rubber, and yellow food coloring.Sick joke, Keith. Terrible, terrible post. Ugh. Just taking any idea I could find, and it didn’t work.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
When Keith went to see Schindler’s List, he kept blowing his bugle, his party favors, and laughing hysterically and uncontrollably. Whenever Ralph Fiennes appeared onscreen, he’d exchange high fives with people around him.Even in Idaho, that’s appalling. So, I was frantically thinking of how Keith could offend people – that’s worked a lot in the past. I came up with this. It’s decent, but not great. With the addition of my random Idaho comment, you know I was desperate.
diva
JBB Moderator
day 36.keith was stripped of his silver medal in the men’s synchro when he tested positive
for steriods. “i’m innocent!” whined keith lee. “i was framed!”

keith. if you laid down flat on your back, your breasts would be considered the highest point in 37 states. we all know you are guilty, man.

Nice comment about his breasts. That made the post funny.
diva
JBB Moderator
psst. keith. in this country, we wear our underwear underneath our clothing. thus, the name underwear. Good post. Short and sweet, and left the implications to us. I liked it.
diva
JBB Moderator
some people put the toilet paper roll facing inwards. others put it facing outwards. keith on the other hands pees with his back facing the urinal, thus soiling all those standing behind him.and i don’t even want to get into his defecating habits. yuck. So absurd I thought it was funny. I don’t know, I was totally out of ideas, and I don’t know how Dave kept it going.
diva
JBB Moderator
whenever keith gets in an uncomfortable situation, he constantly presses the “escape” key on his computer. when he is scared, he presses f12.keith, next time, try pressing the “i am a psycho in need of psychological help” key. The concept is not that funny, but the last sentence is.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Keith’s hair is completely artificial. It is biologically generated from a compound made of seaweed, basil, and wheatgrass — which explains its smell.By the way, when I say, “hair”, I mean all his hair, if you catch my drift.

Keith, go back to the freak show from whence you came.

Not that great a post. Just random.
andrewwong
Member
Keith Lee Celebrity ConversationsKL: What’s your name?

PB: Brosnan. Pierce Brosnan.

KL: Okay…

PB: Aughhh!!

That wasn’t a command, Keith.

I didn’t really think it was funny but I really liked the experimentation. Just, when you experiment, you give new ideas to other people, so that’s critical.
andrewwong
Member
To celebrate the beginning of the Reformation, Keith nailed 95 feces to the church door.Theses, Keith, theses. Yeah, this post was freaking hilarious.
gman
Member
this one is hilarious, too.andrewwong wrote:

quote:


To celebrate the beginning of the Reformation, Keith nailed 95 feces to the church door.Theses, Keith, theses.


 
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Day 37.When the Challenger exploded in 1986, Keith went around telling truly terrible, tasteless jokes such as:

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.

Why did NASA get Pepsi to be their sponsor?
Becuase they couldn’t get seven up.

Did you hear that the astronauts had dandruff?
They found their head and shoulders.

Did you hear about the astronaut’s blue eyes?
One blew this way, one blew that way.

What were the shuttle pilot’s last words?
What does this button do?

What were the shuttle commander’s last words?
I meant a Bud Light!

Keith, those are offensive, tasteless, and cruel. Learn some manners. And for pete’s sake, pull up your pants. Geez, man.

Ugh. I was so out of ideas I just used the slams to recycle old hackneyed jokes. I hope it’s not too offensive. It’s elementary school humor.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Few people know that Keith used to run the electric chair in the Texas prison system. On execution days, Keith would bring marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers. Too similar to my Secretariat post, I think. But gross to think about.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
Keith regularly drives his BMW through the streets of East Palo Alto with a big sign that says “Looking for indentured servants: inquire within.”Terrible Keith. And by the way, BMW does not stand for “Buy More Women.” Again thinking of how Keith could offend. The BMW comment is random, and not that funny.
dcfly
JBB Moderator
When Keith was president of the International Terrorists Club, he was caught shoplifting John Tesh CDs from his local mall.Way to ruin the reputation of terrorists everywhere, Keith. Good going. Uh, just random.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith-i don’t care if he offered you free tissue paper, never ever let a grizzly bear into your house. didn’t your mother teach you anything? Random and not funny.
jdyoon
Member
Inspired by John Yoon’s ranting and raving on the cell church movement, Keith self-proclaimed himself as a traveling cell church preacher, trying to convince every pastor in America to put up their church buildings for sale.Cell church, Keith, not sell church. Easily the worst post so far. It made me angry, and everyone knows why it was bad.
jdyoon
Member
By the way, I have no life. I’m reading JBB in between my med school interviews. Oh, time to get to my next one. wish me luck.  
darkim
Member
I saw a shocking article in Vogue magazine about phone-sex operators,
written by none other than Keith “101 kinky positions” Lee!!Keith, how about just collecting stamps as a hobby? gardening? golf? tennis?
Another darkim post that utterly shocked me. 101 positions? Yoik. Disturbing.
darkim
Member
Keith, you’re right–dogs DO greet each other by sniffing butts,
but you missed a step of logic in your conclusion there.
I don’t know, I thought it was too similar to past posts, but maybe that’s just me.
darkim
Member
Watch out! Keith has this seasonal thing where every winter he goes around at night beheading snowmen and splattering ketchup on the bodies.real funny, keith. that’s how kids are scarred for life and end up on jerry springer. Again, I was shocked because it’s so violent. Whoa.
darkim
Member
ps, Keith Lee holds the record for being the most frequent guest on TV talk shows. As Oprah put it, “It’s truly remarkable how many diverse and deep issues Keith has. In all my experience, I’ve never encountered anything quite like it.”Keith has all of his appearances on talk shows on videotape back home. In a special room with no windows, Keith watches them over and over and over again.

I don’t know why.

Again this is Henry-esque. I don’t know, I still can’t believe it’s Darlene.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith recently sued the new york times over less than flattering pictures they published of keith lee. “Papparazzi at its worst,” Keith lamented.I say, if you continue to wear that bra on your head, that’s newsworthy material. Great finish.
diva
JBB Moderator
keith has been pleading with officials at NASA to be allowed to live on the new international space station.uh, keith, you may be weightless, but you still will have a huge gut and a fat behind. don’t you know anything about the difference between weight and mass? Weak.
dchoi
Junior Member
Good luck on your med school interviews, John.Keith and I were at an FiCS retreat in the mountains. Birds were singing, the sun was shining, and we were one with nature. Keith was explaining to me how you can open up a tree and tell how old it is by counting its rings.

Then he added, “you can do the same thing with my toilet!” and ruined the moment.

Whoa, weird. Kind of amusing.
Ryu2
Member
I talked to Keith recently and asked him if he would ever post on JBB. He told me that he was leaning against it because all these slams are so funny that he’s reveling in them now.
<P>
He says he wants to draw the entire JBB populace into slamming him, thus wasting all our time, killing off any other activity on JBB, and turning us into mindless slamming zombies.
<P>
Utterly diabolical scheme, Keith!
I’m not sure if this was a slam or if it’s true. Meta.
henryhsu
JBB Dictator
Keith stalks people on the Internet, via a number of different methods. He pores over his web logs. He knows the web pages of girls whom he has only met once or twice, as well as any woman who has claimed to have “dated” Paul Lee.Keith, that kind of behaviour thoroughly disturbs me. Ah, Henry slamming Mark. Rich, as always.