I don’t know, I’m thinking of just dropping this page. I have nothing to say anymore because nothing happens to me. It’s a pretty boring life. I rarely even have stuff to rant about anymore because not enough happens to me to get me thinking.

It stuns me how many people have thought pages. It’s just curious how people feel the need to share what’s on their mind. What’s interesting to me is how like 90% of them always go through the same crisis after a while, like, why am I writing this, and they wonder about who’s reading it and if they should be careful about what they’re saying, etc.

But anyway, yeah, I don’t know, maybe it’s time for my page to die. Just, I can’t see how it’s interesting at all.

And yet, there’s no question I’m going to keep writing. Because, like I’ve said from the beginning, this page is for me, and screw you all. I mean, not really, just, it’s mostly for me. Dave once wrote how at times, writing his thoughts page was more important than sleep or showering. I don’t know, there’s just something incredibly important about expression, you have to release it somehow. It’s that important.

Anyway, yeah, thoughts pages are more for the people writing it then anyone else, is my claim, and how people should look at their own pages, I think.

It’s an incredible blessing I think to find a person with whom you want to do everything. I mean, some people view it as taking away your freedom, the ability to do whatever you want and hang out with whoever you want. But I don’t know, to me, it’s the opposite – it’s one of the most freeing feelings in the world. After a while, doing everything with everyone just gets tiring and ultimately people just want one person to do maybe nothing with. Uh, no idea why I wrote that.

Honestly, I don’t think people should go to seminary without being at least engaged unless they think they have the gift. Is that bold? I don’t know, I just think it’s so hard to get hooked up during or after going to seminary. How do you date as a pastor? No clue. I can think of about 4 pastors I know who got hooked up after seminary and every single one of them went through the rapid fire date-get engaged-married thing, where they only knew each other for months (or less) before getting engaged. Should I name them? Uh, better not. But yeah, it’s hard.

And the thing is, the women you do date are often those weirdos who want to be pastor’s wives. I’ve never understood that. I’m not saying it’s not valid. I just don’t get how someone can want to be not something in themselves, but someone’s wife. I’m not saying being a pastor’s wife is not really hard, or that it’s a clear role, or anything like that, I mean, I understand that first hand. It’s just weird to me. Like, how come there aren’t people being called to be teacher’s husbands? But yeah, I’m sure it’s valid, just a little odd to me.

The thing is, I don’t know, I have this weird philosophy that sometimes the people that are least suited to do something are the ones that want to do it most. And also the converse. Not in all things, just some things. Maybe I should give an example. But yeah, with like worship team, honestly, I’ve always had the feeling that if someone really wants to lead worship, it’s kind of a sign that they shouldn’t.

Just, it indicates not enough maturity to me. This is all strictly opinion, of course, and there are things screwed up with it. But yeah, there are some people who can only lead, they’re only comfortable when they’re leading, and they don’t feel satisfied unless they are, and that’s not good. It’s strange, but I don’t know, I just feel like you’re not ready to lead until you’re fully satisfied in being able to just follow. And then when you don’t have to lead anymore, you can. I know, it’s kind of screwed up.

But, even in the Bible, so many times the people God chooses to lead are reluctant to. It’s not like they volunteered. It’s the opposite. Like Moses, Gideon, Paul, people like that. Er, at least Moses.

Anyway, people that have to lead, that aren’t comfortable with fully following make me nervous. I try not to be this way, with varying degrees of success, and the reason sometimes when I step back from things is to avoid this in myself. How did I get on this topic? No idea.

So, YAG banquet was tonight. And, maybe this isn’t the place to say it but, whatever, I don’t care. I came back mostly discouraged. For the same reason as last year. Just, to me, more than anything else, it was reminder of how much I’m not a part of YAG.

I don’t know, other people are more positive than I am, so I’ve got a screwed up attitude. And, it’s not like there was nothing encouraging. I’m always encouraged by people – I was especially encouraged by being able to talk to the people I did at my table, in particular those I didn’t really know previous. Side note. Last year at the banquet was I believe the first time Walter Tarr came to KCPC. I sat with him and had a good conversation with him, and it was good. And I think that’s the last conversation we’ve had.

Actually that’s not a side note. I think I like the people in YAG, it’s just nearly impossible to really get to know them. I don’t know, some people are better at it than I am, but to me they’re extraordinary. Actually, I’m not even trying to blame anyone save myself, I’m more just saying what is – I’m not really a part of YAG, I’m this peripheral guy, and this year’s banquet, like last year’s just confirmed and emphasized that point to me.

So yeah, I could make more of an effort to “get to know” people but, I don’t know, it’s like what has that gotten me in the past. Maybe I am a bit bitter. But like, people don’t understand – I’ve been in YAG for 3 years. And I’ve done everything I think that could have been expected of me, except one. I went to Donna and Yoon Jae’s Bible study regularly. Other people came and went. I stuck with it. And you know, I got to know people a little bit better through it, and I was glad.

Did the Experiencing God thing, the Life in the Spirit thing. I’m a little bitter about that, actually, because the second one, by the end I was by far the most consistent one in coming, including the leaders. Did the accountability group thing, was consistent with it. Our group was the most consistent and longest lasting group. I go to Cafe Excelente. All that stuff. All I haven’t done was go to the YAG meetings on Fridays back when they met then, and I go to about 75% of the monthly meetings. Actually, yeah, there’s more stuff I don’t go to.

But what I’m saying is, for 3 years now I’ve been going to all these “YAG” things, and I’m super consistent in doing whatever that is, and I make some effort into getting to know the people at those things, and yet I’m still not a part of “YAG”. Dunno if that makes sense. But yeah, after a while, it’s just too tiring. Like I said, there are some extraordinary people out there who can make more of an effort, but, I don’t know, it’s just tiring after a while, is all.

In the end, being in “YAG”, I mean not officially but being a part of the group that one identifies as “YAG”, really feeling like you’re a part of that group, takes something outside of church activity, and whatever, that’s fine, it’s just I guess I haven’t done that and YAG banquet the past two years doesn’t remind me of what I’m a part of, but in large part reminds me what I’m not part of.

Uh, being too blunt, sorry. But whatever. Like I keep saying, in large measure it’s my fault, I’m fine with that and willing to accept responsibility for that. It’s just, it’s not an encouraging reminder, because it’s not like I’ve done nothing. Far from it. That’s all.

I don’t know, I see YAG and I see clear separate groups. And leaders in each group want less to see everyone come together (not that they don’t want this at all) but more to see their group become what is “YAG”. But I don’t know, maybe this is the 3% too cynical thing coming out.

But seriously, it’s clear in my mind that being part of “YAG” takes more than doing church activity, so something’s not quite right. And, I mean, most people in YAG don’t feel like they’re a part of YAG, which is a weird situation. To be honest, I think “unity” is overblown. It doesn’t matter at all. Just as long as inreach and outreach is happening. People don’t feel like they’re a part of “YAG” because “YAG” is identified with certain groups of people doing certain activities. I don’t know, I say forget that idea. It’s like the cell church idea, just with YAG. Each small group really is YAG, you know? If you insist that YAG is just when everyone gets together at church, I just feel like that isolates people more than it brings them together. Like, who in our small group feels a part of YAG? Why don’t they go to more YAG activities? Because they’re not really a part of it, right? I don’t know, I say drop this whole YAG unity notion and recognize that “YAG” is in the small groups. Dunno if that makes sense, but it makes sense to me.

But yeah, there’s just something weird to me when people who are super involved with or even leading like say, the small groups, or other church activities, or other prominent ministries in church still, don’t feel like they’re part of YAG. I can’t blame them, since I mean, when I go, I’m just reminded of my isolation.

One thing pissed me off though, and sorry to say it. But, there was this skit where the guy keeps forgetting the other guy’s name or saying the wrong name and the point I guess is to not do that and whatever. Meanwhile, Jieun is sitting there with a name tag that reads: “Jien”. Anger. It’s fine if you don’t know how to spell her name. But then going and preaching about how not knowing other peoples’ names is bad? I know whoever did each probably had nothing to do with each other. I just get angry when people slight Jieun. Seriously, it pisses me off.

So, what should I do? About the whole YAG thing, I mean. I don’t know, like I said, I’m kind of tired of it all and I don’t even know if there’s a point in really being a part of “YAG”. My whole thinking right now is that the small group is the church, and trying to build that up, as an outlet for both inreach and outreach. I haven’t been doing the best I could but, that’s what I want to do.

Speaking of which, I think small group has been a real blessing to me as of late, just because of things that are happening both in terms of inreach and outreach. I also think I have a more clear understanding of Matthew than I’ve ever had before. But, I’ll write about that later.

As far as being a part of YAG goes, I say screw it. I’ll keep going to all the things like I always have, and I’ll keep getting to know people at Cafe Excelente and whatever. Because, I mean, I like the people. A lot of the people actually, I really like a lot. It’s just, I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to be a part of whatever “YAG” stands for, and even if so, what the point is. Someone’s gonna have to sell me on that. And probably rebuke me, because I’m likely being way too cynical. But whatever, I’m just brain dumping because I need to.

So, I’m seriously thinking of applying for Survivor 3. I looked over the application and I know I can provide interesting answers to everything. The key though is the 3 minute tape. I don’t know how I’d construct that in an original way. But yeah, I’ve thought of it a lot. Like, one plus is that I fulfill quotas. You know, the minority quota, the Christian quota, the smart person quota. Another key plus is that I have a first name that hasn’t been used on the show before. That’s important so you don’t get people confused. It’s not a coincidence that no one from the first and second Survivor have the same name. Anyway, I’ve thought about details like this a lot. Dunno if I’ll follow through, but I’m thinking about it.

The thing is, and I’ve thought about this too, I don’t know how that would affect like, my future and my “career” and all that stuff.

But umm, I’ll have to write about that another time.

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