I’m going through one of my phases where I’m wondering if I should take my web page down.

I dunno why this is, but for some reason reading some pages and the jbb has been kind of depressing for me. Is that the right word? Maybe discouraging? I dunno. It’s just, a hallmark of the interaction there is this kind of confrontational style. And it’s always been that way. Just, for some reason, recently it’s been kind of discouraging to me.

It’s not being confrontational itself. It’s just… I dunno, something that comes off like arrogance. Like, it’s opinions, but it comes off as if you disagree you’re either an idiot or tasteless. I dunno what I’m even saying. Just, for some reason it’s been leaving a weird taste in my mouth.

I’m talking mostly about myself. I dunno, every time I read some of the stuff I’ve written in the past, it’s just kind of embarrassing. Just, what was I thinking? It’s totally confrontational, arrogant, and dismissive. Rereading it depresses me.

I don’t think I’ll stop this page just because it’s mostly a way for a few of us to kind of keep in touch. I don’t even want to stop being confrontational. I just don’t want to be arrogant. So I guess my prayer request, if you care, is just that I stay teachable. In all my interactions, including the web. I just want to be teachable. And I guess that’s it.

Uh, random. OK, one more thing that’s been on my mind.

I think I’ve been living as if God’s not real. What I mean is, the things that motivate me most have been how my actions might affect other people. And secondarily, how it might affect myself. But I think I’ve been lacking consideration in how my actions might affect God.

So like, when my actions affect other people, it’s a greater motivation. Not that I’m great at it, I’m just more motivated. Like, responsibilities I might have. I’m a little better with that. Or just in general, with sins that might affect other people, I’m a little more motivated.

But like if that’s not there, I’m terrible at it. Like, if it affects me it’s kind of a motivation, but not really, because I always think I can just deal with it. Like, staying up late. I don’t think Dave understands why this is bad for me. But for me, it is. I need sleep, I’m just like that. And, when I get up early, I’m about 3 times more productive through the course of the day than when I get up late. I have no idea why that is. It’s not that I work longer. I just end up being more productive. And not to be productive for it’s own sake, just, I think it honors God more when I do my best with my job. So anyway, yeah, going to bed early is important.

But, I’m terrible at it, especially because it doesn’t affect other people. It’s just myself, and I just tend to feel it’s something I can deal with. So getting in to work at a reasonable hour is difficult. But if I would let people down by what I do, I’m much more motivated. So I don’t have the same problems going to church early on the weekends. Still a little late sometimes, but nothing like work on the weekdays. It’s weird.

So yeah, there are other sins also where, if it won’t really affect other people, I have problems with. Like prayer, stuff like that. It doesn’t hurt people if I don’t do it, so it’s easy for me not to do. So I don’t.

So, I guess I’ve been neglecting God in my considerations. And, you know, that’s important. I think Bill Hybels said this, that integrity is who you are when no one is around. Because God’s still around. And even if no one else is there, God is, so what I do matters.

I’m not saying anything new or earth shattering, and everyone knows this, just, it’s a re-realization I’ve had about myself. Partly from reading this book we’re going through in marriage counseling. It was saying how divorce is treated so casually nowadays, partly because people view it as a man-made institution. But it’s more than that – it’s instituted by God, and wedding vows are a covenant before God. To break it isn’t just to break your word to another person; it’s to break your word to God. And again, nothing new or revolutionary, but reading that impacted me, because I guess it reminded me how of I’ve been acting in other areas of my life.

So yeah, another prayer request, if you care, is that I want to live as if God’s real. Not just superficially, but truly, I guess with all my intellect and emotion. Just knowing He’s real and He’s there, and letting that influence me.

Random entry? I dunno, that’s what’s been on my mind.

Here’s a Charlie Peacock song for you.

Heaven Is A Real Place
Charlie Peacock

Oh for the eyes to see
Beyond this flesh and bone
To my final destination
To the city I’ll call home
It’s crazy to pretend and try and act like
I’m one of the local boys
Everybody knows that I’m really just a tourist
Not by accident, but by my own choice
Still so much of the time I live
Like this spinning ball of land and ocean
Is my reality complete
Would you say a prayer for a change in me?
This is what I want, this is what I need

I wanna live like heaven is a real place
I wanna live like heaven is a real place
In my everyday time and space
I wanna live like heaven is a real place

God didn’t give up on the idea of Eden
As some misguided have assumed
The garden has given place to a city
Where the walk of God with man will be resumed
Paradise is not lost at all!
Let my whole life reflect my belief that heaven
Is where I’ll spend eternity
That would be something, something to see
Till death is swallowed up in victory

I wanna live like heaven is a real place
I wanna live like heaven is a real place
In my everyday time and space
I wanna live like heaven is a real place

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