I don’t know who I am.

Jieun tells me that when I interact with my family that I’m not “myself”. Which is odd to me. I don’t feel like I’m not being myself with them. If anything, since they know me so well, I feel like I’m more myself. But whatever that is, apparently it’s different from how I am when I’m just with Jieun. But I know I’m myself with Jieun.

What I think is, I don’t know what “myself” is. I think I’m being equally natural with my family or just with Jieun. It just happens that the different contexts brings out different parts of me I guess. But I’m not sure if any of these parts are more or less true to who I really am. They’re all me.

So I have no idea what it means to be myself. Just, myself changes a lot given the context, and it’s not that I’m being fake, it’s just that context does really affect how I act I guess. Even how I think. I don’t think my self is so malleable and elusive that there’s nothing there, that it’s a complete byproduct of environmental stimuli. But it’s clear to me that me being real doesn’t always look the same. So when people say, “just be yourself” I’m not sure what that means.

Maybe I’m just insane.

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