As you may or may not know, my family wasn’t a typical Korean one in many ways. I’ve mentioned the English speaking thing before I think. The other thing was the way roles worked. I dunno how accurate this is, but my impression is that in other families, the father was somewhat distant, and the mother more engaging. It was the opposite in my family. Not that my mom was not loving or emotionally cold or anything, far from it, she was great. It’s just in terms of personality and roles, if that makes any sense at all. Probably not.

So I wonder a lot if and how that affected me. I think it did. Like here’s an example. When we were kids, there was only one TV in the house, and when there was a disagreement about what to watch, my sister would win out at least as much as me. I want to say more. So we got stuck watching lame shows like Land Of The Lost a lot. The point is, we interacted as equals, I think, and I’m going to say she was even “stronger” than I was, personality wise. Definitely more stubborn.

I just wonder how that happened, if it’s just a pure personality thing or the way my parents were came into play at all. I dunno, I still remember being shocked when I first met Dave and Tina. They were the same age as us but the way they interacted was so radically different. Like she was so deferential, called her oppa, all that kind of stuff. It was just completely shocking.

I’m rambling. I dunno, I just wonder how much the way my family was related to how I am, like, why I want to be the “weak” leader, why I want to be upfront about being weak or whatever. I dunno, I think it frustrates Jieun because that’s not how Korean families work. Korean men are supposed to project strength. But I dunno, is that right? Is that what I should do? Anyway, yeah, just random stuff I’m mulling over. It’s just really interesting to me how much women want to feel secure, how that drives a lot of how they interact with men, and how men are supposed to address that.

I’m delirious. My buddy Benadryl has turned on me. Et tu, Benadryl? Et tu?

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