Uh, believe you me, this page is not deep. Don’t be deceived.

Someone was saying to me how they don’t think of me as skinny. That’s so utterly bizarre to me. I’ve said this countless times, but I was so skinny for so long growing up that it’s inextricably ingrained in my self-perception. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think of myself as anything but skinny.

I dunno, I’m healthy about it I think, but yeah, I do think a part of me understands the heart of anorexia and chronic plastic surgery indulgers. There’s just something about the heart of your self-perception that’s really hard to change, regardless of the amount of external fiddling you do. And that’s odd to me, how your self-image isn’t necessarily linked to your external appearance.

What’s weirder for me is that I think I know how I look, but my self-image still runs contrary to it. Like, I don’t think I’m unhealthy about this stuff. I’ve gained a bit of weight and I’m way more comfortable with my body now. It’s just, at heart, I still think of myself as unbearably skinny. Even if I know that’s not how I look, I feel like that’s who I am. And I’m not sure that will ever change.

So yeah, kinda gets back to the Eddie pre-surgery thing. But yeah, people who have met me more recently and who don’t think of me as skinny (not just thin but skinny) I dunno if they fully understand who I am. I just think in certain fundamental ways I still act like I’m a skinny guy. It gets to the heart of who I am. So people who have never seen my like that, I dunno, it’s kinda weird to me.

But whatever, no one fully understands anyone so I guess it’s irrelevant.