Boundaries

Boundaries.

I’ve been feeling tired lately. Not burnt out, but decidedly tired. I think what it is is, I feel like I’ve been pouring myself out on people, responsibilities, and other tasks, but no one cares about me. That last part isn’t true. What it is is more is that my natural inclination is to not ask people for help or say what I want. So much so that there are situations when people ask what I want and I’m slightly startled. I don’t even know the answer to the question. Given that, it’s no wonder I don’t get what I need.

At any rate, I dunno, it’s just kind of a tiring and lonely feeling. Work’s eased up a bit and I’ve had a little more time to think so maybe that’s why it’s coming to a head? Or stuff that’s happened? Should I tell this example? No one in my family got me anything for my birthday because they have no idea what to get me. Any time they ask what I want, I say nothing. So my mom got stuff for Jieun instead. I dunno, it’s my fault and it’s Biblically correct, but for some reason it made me feel tired.

At any rate, I think there are times I overcommit. Jieun does also, maybe we feed off of each other, I dunno. I’ve found this to be true at work and outside of it. The problem is my mindset, which is, don’t complain (which wastes time) just do the work. So no one knows how overcommitted I am until it reaches a critical point. Not a good model.

So I dunno, I think I need to learn boundaries. As you may or may not know, DChang’s been my accountability partner since men’s group a while back. I honestly think he’s kept me sane at key points since then. Anyway, he’s seeing a counselor which has been a blessing to me I think. One, removing the stigma of counseling I think some Asians have, and two, I dunno, I feel bad but I think I mooch off of the lessons and realizations he gets from it. I should probably be helping subsidize his sessions since it helps me too.

Anyway, Dave said something interesting today about boundaries. Just, the point of boundaries is to help everyone. I tend to think, if I set a boundary, I’m denying someone of something, that makes me feel bad. But it’s not like that. If you overcommit, you do less well on everything you’re doing and take things out on people in other ways. By setting proper boundaries, you’re making those things you’re committed to and your interactions with people better, so it’s better for everyone. I’m kind of mixing all these senses of boundaries but hopefully you get the gist.

I dunno, that was insightful for me. Helps me realize that setting proper boundaries isn’t selfish; the intention is that it helps everyone. Similarly, when setting boundaries, the focus shouldn’t be on just yourself, but on how setting those boundaries helps other people. I dunno, it was helpful for me.