Danny ChaiA while back Young and Cindy were in town, and during a conversation Cindy asked me the biggest spiritual lesson I’ve learned from being a parent. I was oddly unprepared for a question like that. I mumbled something about having a greater understanding of a parent’s love, and thus having a greater appreciation for God’s love. Which is true.
But I’ve been thinking about it ever since and reflecting upon how my life has changed, and I think I have a better answer to the question. The biggest spiritual lesson I’ve learned from being a parent is that my life is not my own. Practically, that means understanding and not getting frustrated by the fact that I can’t do whatever I want.
I think parents know what I’m talking about. When you have kids, there are severe restrictions on your freedom to do whatever you want. If you chafe against it, you’ll be perpetually frustrated and ultimately unhappy. When you accept the fact that your life is no longer your own, you’ll be more peaceful. If you embrace it, you’ll be happy.
I think there’s a spiritual lesson in that. The Bible tells us we were made for relationship, with God and others, that it’s not good for man to be alone, that we should not give up meeting together, that we should love one another, put others’ needs above our own, that we are given gifts of the Spirit for the purpose of serving others. It’s a constant theme – lay down your own interests for the sake of others’. In my experience, having kids helps one realize that laying down your own interests for the sake of someone else’s is a good thing. And everything that is truly good leads to happiness.
In my opinion, I think everyone knows this on some level, Christian or not. They might not consciously realize it. But those that understand that know how to be more happy.
I can’t remember who said this, it might have been Tim Keller. But it’s often said that the institution of marriage is crumbling in modern society. But if you think about it, the amazing thing in this culture of selfishness and egocentrism isn’t that marriage is being attacked, it’s that so many people still want to get married. Even gays and lesbians, who tend to not be super-traditional, want to get married. Even people who have failed in a marriage before want to get remarried. Gloria Steinem, the feminist who famously said “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”, got married. People just want to get married.
Which, if you think about it, is really weird, because it’s so contrary to modern priorities, the foremost of which is probably that of individual freedom, being able to do whatever you want. Marriage means intentionally limiting your freedom in committing to someone else. Why would anyone want to intentionally limit their freedom? Especially in today’s culture where sleeping around is OK. Like, Justin Timberlake apparently proposed to Jessica Biel. Assuming he’s not a Christian, I have no idea why he would do that because, not be crude, but he could (and I personally don’t understand his appeal, but it’s empirically proven) have about any girl he wants.
What I think all people, including JT, come to realize is that the benefits in commitment outweigh the restrictions it places on your freedom. There is greater happiness to be had when you intentionally limit your freedom for the sake of others. You learn that some when get married. You learn it way more when you have kids.
In fact, I think this is just a general lesson of maturity. Whenever people talk about people needing to grow up, if you break down what they mean, they’re saying that people need to be more responsible. Getting a job is “growing up” because it forces responsibility toward an organization. Getting married, having kids is “growing up” because it forces responsibility towards other people.
And why is responsibility a good thing? Why is it more mature? My claim is, again, that people know somewhere deep inside that limiting your freedom for others is better. We seem to be delaying this understanding (40 is the new 30 and so forth), but the sooner people realize it, the better it is for them.
If you aren’t willing to limit your freedom to do whatever you want and are happy, by all means, ignore me. It’s just my belief that following this road to the end will lead to a frustrating and lonely life. And I think most people realize this eventually. Once they do, they’ve discovered a great truth, and one of the keys to happiness. That’s why I think the understanding that our lives are not our own, is the most significant spiritual lesson I’ve had from having kids.